AITA for embarrassing someone by “pretending to be Japanese”?

In an increasingly globalized world, identity is no longer as simple as ethnicity or nationality. People are shaped by the cultures they grow up in, their family backgrounds, and personal experiences. But what happens when someone makes an assumption about another person’s identity based on appearances alone?

That’s the situation OP found herself in. Born in Japan to a Korean mother and British father, she lived there until she was 14 and has a Japanese name as a result. When she introduced herself to a friend of her roommate, this person immediately accused her of cultural appropriation, assuming OP had no real connection to Japan. Even after OP explained, the other girl refused to believe her—until OP spoke fluent Japanese, at which point the girl became flustered and left.

Now, OP’s roommate says she should apologize for making the girl feel bad. But is OP really at fault here, or was she simply standing up for herself?

‘AITA for embarrassing someone by “pretending to be Japanese”?’

Expert Opinion:

Identity Is More Than Just Ethnicity

Identity is complex, particularly for people with multicultural backgrounds. Ethnicity, nationality, and cultural upbringing are separate concepts, and assuming someone’s cultural background based on appearances alone can lead to misunderstandings and misplaced accusations.

Dr. Beverly Tatum, a psychologist specializing in racial and cultural identity, explains: “Cultural identity is shaped by lived experience, not just genetics. Many people grow up in cultures different from their ethnic background, and their sense of belonging comes from immersion in that culture—not just ancestry.” (Source)

In OP’s case:

• She was born and raised in Japan.
• She speaks the language fluently.
• Her parents chose her name based on their personal connection to Japan.

The guest’s accusation of cultural appropriation reflects a common misunderstanding: the assumption that culture belongs only to those with a specific ethnic background. However, people who are born into or raised in a culture have just as much right to identify with it as those who are ethnically from that group.

The Bigger Issue: Misplaced Accusations and Cultural Gatekeeping

This situation also highlights a common issue in cultural discussions—gatekeeping. Gatekeeping happens when individuals or groups try to dictate who is “allowed” to claim a cultural identity.

The Guest’s Perspective

• She may have faced discrimination or struggles with her own cultural identity as a Japanese American.
• She might have assumed OP had no real connection to Japan based purely on appearances.
• Her reaction could stem from frustration with people who superficially adopt Japanese culture without deep understanding.

OP’s Perspective

• She was born in Japan, lived there for 14 years, and speaks the language.
• Her name was given to her naturally—it wasn’t something she chose to “appear more Japanese.”
• She did not claim to be ethnically Japanese, just that she has a deep connection to the culture.

While both individuals may have personal reasons for their perspectives, the guest’s immediate assumption, refusal to listen, and demand for an apology suggest she was more interested in being “right” than in understanding OP’s background.

How to Approach Cultural Identity Discussions Thoughtfully

This situation brings up an important question: How should people handle cultural identity discussions without making unfair assumptions?

1. Ask Before Assuming – If the guest had simply asked, “That’s an interesting name! What’s your connection to Japan?” instead of immediately accusing OP, this could have been a respectful conversation instead of an argument.
2. Recognize That Identity Is More Than Just Race – Culture is about lived experience, not just genetics. People who grow up immersed in a culture have just as much claim to it as those who are ethnically tied to it.
3. Avoid Public Confrontations – If someone feels uncertain about another person’s cultural connection, it’s better to privately ask questions rather than make a public accusation, which can lead to unnecessary embarrassment for both parties.
4. Admit Mistakes Gracefully – If the guest had acknowledged her mistake instead of storming off, the situation wouldn’t have escalated. Recognizing when you’re wrong and apologizing is an important skill in conversations about identity.
5. Stand Your Ground Without Escalating – OP defended herself without being aggressive—she simply provided proof of her background and moved on. She didn’t insult the other person, just countered their assumption with facts. This was the best approach to take in this scenario.

Here’s what some Reddit users thought about OP’s situation:

Most commenters agreed that OP was not in the wrong, pointing out that she didn’t choose her name or her upbringing. Many also felt that the guest embarrassed herself by making assumptions, then doubled down instead of admitting her mistake.

Others suggested that the guest may be struggling with her own cultural identity, as many second- or third-generation immigrants feel pressure to “prove” their cultural authenticity—especially if they don’t speak the language fluently or have direct experience living in their ancestral homeland.

This situation is an example of how cultural identity is more complex than appearances alone. OP’s experience shows that people can have deep, meaningful connections to cultures that aren’t necessarily tied to their ethnicity.

While the guest may have had personal frustrations influencing her reaction, her immediate accusation and refusal to listen made her the one in the wrong. OP was justified in standing her ground, and an apology from OP is unnecessary—if anything, the guest should be the one apologizing for making an assumption.

At the end of the day, cultural discussions should be based on curiosity, respect, and open-mindedness—not gatekeeping or accusations.

What do you think? Should OP have handled it differently, or was the guest entirely at fault? Share your thoughts below!