AITA for dropping my friends for revealing my husband’s infidelity?
A woman (44F) shared her dilemma on Reddit’s AmItheAhole** subreddit, explaining how she cut off a long-time friend after that friend revealed her husband’s (49M) infidelity. The woman knew about her husband’s cheating for years but chose to stay in the marriage to protect her family’s financial stability and avoid divorce. She revealed that she and her husband had an unspoken agreement about his affairs as long as they were discreet. However, her friend Marie, who was initially supportive when the woman divorced her first husband over cheating, aggressively confronted her with details about her current husband’s infidelity in front of another friend. Feeling hurt and embarrassed, the woman cut ties with Marie and is now questioning if she is in the wrong.
Follow the full story below to see how this conflict unfolded and decide whether the woman’s reaction to her friend was justified.
AITA for dropping my friends for revealing my husband’s infidelity?
I’ve known for years that my (44F) husband (49M) cheats on me.
I grew up with a single mother who worked night shift at a motel. I made it my goal to give my kids a better life. Aged 18 I married my high school sweetheart. We both got jobs, him at a manufacturing company and me at a department store. Things went well until year 7 of our marriage when the company my ex worked at closed.
He fell into a depression and ended up having a one night stand with a girl in another city where he was interviewing for a job. He confessed when he came home and said that he was depressed because the job interview was bad and he was upset from the fighting and us not sleeping in the same bed. I was furious and immediately kicked him out.
Here’s where my friend Marie comes in. Marie was a maid of honor at the wedding. When I told her why I had kicked my ex out, she was sympathetic. However, after I told Marie my husband wanted to talk about how he’s been working on himself ever since he cheated. Marie seemed sympathetic to the c*eater and said maybe I should hear him out as a courtesy.
However, I declined and divorced him. A year later I start dating my now husband. His business started raking in a lot of profits soon after we met. After we married, I kept my friendship to Marie even though she wasn’t part of the Santa Barbara scene. My husband retired my mom after we got married. He also funded my boutique business.
However, he is someone who gets bored easily. At first when I caught him cheating he apologized. However, this one time we fought about his cheating, he threatened divorce. After that he and I silently came to the agreement that his affairs better be discreet. It was never openly discussed and he knows I’d prefer he be faithful, especially since we have an active s*x life.
However, I prefer this over divorce, ruining my daughter’s life, and dealing with a prenup his lawyers crafted that protects future earnings as well ( yes- that is legal.) In my circle of friends, many women deal with this. They subtly provide me with emotional support. However, Marie works in the hotel industry and became aware of my husband’s cheating.
When she tried to subtly allude to the possibility, I brushed her off. However, last week, when we were together with another friend of mine who lived in SB, Marie brought up that my husband was cheating and who with. I tried to get her to stop but she got fired up and started listing all the ways my husband was a c*eater. I was furious and did not know why she wouldn’t let it go.
After the other friend left I got in a fight with Marie about how she tried to get me to work it out with my ex and she said my current husband was far worse. The way she kept telling me how my husband was horrible rubbed salt in the wound that she opened. I finally told her we had an arrangement and that I didn’t want her around me anymore. She has tried calling me but I decided I did not want to continue this friendship. AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
WonderLordee says:
Ya I like Marie
You Ignored her advice, but took it for the rich guy and blew her off whenever she tried to help you out by subtly dropping hints about your new dudes cheating. She’s probably frustrated that her friend has become a upperclass s*ob who puts up with disrespect from her “loved” ones for the “Santa Barbara lifestyle” Honest, I feel bad for you OP.
Your husband is the a*shole and you’re being controlled with money while your friend feels hopeless to help. Edit- OP at the end of the day you have money, but no one but reddit to go to with your problems.
You’re allowed to live any lifestyle you want, enforce any boundaries you have, cut off friends that don’t respect those boundaries, you can even gaslight yourself into accepting this disrespect for the lifestyle. But your husband will never respect beyond a tricket in his life and your friend seemed to really care about you
Unicorn_dreams42 says:
Thats what I was thinking! She said her goal in life was to give her children a better life. What kind of life is she giving her daughter? She’ll turn in to a shallow, weak, female that will let men walk all over her as long as they’re rich. Teach that child some self respect and to have some pride in her strong self. I dont know if she’s an AH or just a sad excuse for a mother.
gc1 says:
I was laughing at “silently came to an agreement”. Meaning, I guess, that she shut her mouth and decided to s*ck it up as soon as she started doing the math.
Marie is no friend to OP for not shutting up about the husband when asked not to get into it. But this situation is all of OP’s doing. It’s part of the bed she made when she decided to stay. There are no secrets in a town like that.
Unsd says:
THIS! She told her friend how she expects to be treated, so when her friend found out about her husband’s cheating, she was like “oh my friend doesn’t like being treated this way, I have to let her know.” If OP were my friend, all she would have had to say is “We have an arrangement; he cheats but he provides the lifestyle I want so it works out.”
And I would say “okay, if that’s what makes you happy, get the bag girl” and keep it moving. There’s nothing wrong with a transactional relationship as long as both parties are good with it. But don’t be mad at your friend for their accountability to you.
NinaPanini says:
Damn….a circle of friends, who are comfortable with being cheated on and emotionally support one another while their significant others are with other people…..
That’s very very very….sad
I didn’t even address this part in my post because this community sounds depressing and fucked up. Like a really bad Real Housewives show.
At some point, Husband #2 will d*mp OP and find a younger woman anyway.
1indaT says:
YTA. Look at this from her side. She has been your friend for years and tried to help you stay with 1st husband. Years later, you have a serial c*eater for a 2nd husband, and she is appalled. I would be, too. You can make your own decisions, but I would at least talk to her. It doesn’t seem like she was acting out of malice.
JustAsICanBeSoCruel says:
YTA for expecting her to act differently then when your first husband cheated. you should have shut her down when she first found out, said you had an arrangement, and dealt with her privately. But you don’t want to, because the truth is you don’t like it. You have an open relationship.
You aren’t happy with it, but you are going along with it because you benefit from the marriage while he ‘gets bored’ and goes to find random people to have s*x with. If you haven’t already gone to get checked for STDs, do so now. And every week from now on….because for every new person he sticks his w*lly in, you are at risk.
You surround yourself with women that are in the same situation and are conditioned to meekly go along with it because it benefits all of them, but to the vast majority of the population, your friend’s reaction is how they would react. She loves you and knows you are hurting, knows you would hate your partner cheating, which is why she was trying to make you aware of it – because she knows you would not want to be in a relationship.
This woman is your friend and is trying to protect you. You were so embarrassed and ashamed to admit you are allowing yourself to stay because you want his money that you are lashing out at someone that sees through the BS. The real reason you don’t want her around is because she is loudly saying what you are struggling bad to keep from acknowledging.
What your husband is doing IS way worse than your ex, but you are willing to put up with it because he has money and uses it to bankroll your s*it. If you want to stay in your delusional little bubble that you are happy with your life, then by all means, block her and go back to your support group of other women that are desperate to cling to the men that are paying their way.
If you want to keep balance in your life and have one foot in reality for when this all comes crashing down, take your friend to a nice lunch on your husband’s dollar and tell her what is up. You are in a marriage with your husband for now while you build security for yourself and your daughter.
It is not a permanent fix – the marriage will break up eventually when he trades you in for a new model (as all ‘bored and well off’ men do until they find a woman they wouldn’t get bored with) – and than see if she is willing to stay friends with someone that is willing to do this to herself. For what it’s worth, I am familiar to the scene. I grew up parallel to it with my Dad working in a community full of disgustingly well off, more-money-than-God.
There are plenty of women in your situation that stay for years while they build up their lives on the side so when they leave, they can be comfortable, but they are fully aware that it will be over at any time, depending on when their husbands are ready to d*mp them.
The smart ones do keep their family and friends outside their little bubble in the know about things because when their husband does dumb them, most of the women in their support group of other women dry up and can’t be depended on.
AuntJ2583 says:
It doesn’t sound to me like OP is getting more bitter over time. She chose to make having money a goal. Then married her sweetheart, and he failed her both by losing his job and by cheating. She might have accepted the cheating if he’d had sufficient income coming in.
So she divorced him and married a guy that provides WAY more money, with no apparent t*reat of loss of income, except that she’d lose all of his money if they divorced.
She’ll accept the cheating because he’s kept the promise that was more important to her. And it sounds like “the Santa Barbara scene” offers her plenty of women who have made that same choice and reinforce her decision.
Marie’s insistence on confronting her with all of the cheating put her in a situation where she could either cut off Marie or she could say out loud, to herself and to Marie, that the money has always been more important and was the real reason she divorced the first husband.
This story raises questions about boundaries in friendships and how to handle sensitive issues like infidelity. While Marie believed she was helping by confronting the woman, her approach ultimately led to the end of a long-term friendship. The woman’s choice to stay in her marriage may not align with everyone’s values, but it’s her decision to make. It highlights the fine line between supporting a friend and overstepping, especially when difficult personal choices are involved.
Do you think the woman was right to end the friendship, or should she have appreciated Marie’s concerns despite the confrontation? Share your thoughts on whether Marie crossed a line or if the woman’s reaction was too harsh.