AITA for doing nothing at Christmas and which led to my “family” having a crappy one?

Family can be both a source of comfort and deep pain—especially when you feel unwanted. In this update, a 17‑year‑old recounts how his longstanding feelings of neglect and rejection culminated in him “doing nothing” at Christmas. As an affair baby, he’s grown up with a painful history: his biological father had an affair and his stepmother made it clear he was never fully welcome.

Despite years of trying desperately to earn love and acceptance through hard work and kindness, his efforts were repeatedly dismissed. This Christmas, overwhelmed by humiliation and hurt, he withdrew completely, resulting in a disorganized, underwhelming celebration. Now, he wonders if he’s in the wrong for taking such a stand or if his actions were entirely justified given the family’s repeated rejection.

‘ AITA for doing nothing at Christmas and which led to my “family” having a crappy one?’

Dr. Laura Markham, a clinical psychologist specializing in family dynamics, explains, “When a child or teenager has endured repeated rejection and emotional abuse from family members, it can lead to withdrawal as a defense mechanism. Choosing to ‘do nothing’ during a family celebration can be a way of protecting oneself from further hurt.”

She continues, “The behavior you’re describing is common in individuals who have felt devalued for years. While it’s painful for both sides, the first step in healing is acknowledging that your feelings are valid. It may help to seek counseling to address these deep-seated wounds, but setting boundaries is an important part of self-care.”

Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman adds, “Family relationships are incredibly complex, especially in blended families with a history of emotional neglect. In your case, your withdrawal at Christmas is not an act of malice but a symptom of accumulated hurt. While it may have inadvertently contributed to a disorganized celebration, it is also a signal that you need space to heal. A mediated conversation with your family could help bridge some of these gaps, but it’s important that your feelings are not dismissed.”

Both experts agree that while your actions have consequences, they are rooted in a history of neglect and abuse. The focus should now be on finding ways to heal and rebuild healthier relationships if possible.

See what others had to share with OP:

Several redditors expressed strong support for your decision. One user commented, “If you’ve been made to feel unwanted your whole life, it’s not surprising that you’d withdraw at Christmas. You’re not the asshole for protecting yourself.”

Another group shared personal experiences, with one commenter stating, “I’ve experienced similar neglect from family, and sometimes doing nothing is the only way to avoid further hurt. Your feelings are completely justified.”

Ultimately, your decision to withdraw from the Christmas festivities isn’t necessarily about sabotaging the celebration—it’s a reaction to a lifetime of feeling devalued. Your actions, while painful for the family, are a cry for acknowledgment and self-respect. This situation raises an important question: How can we balance the need for family unity with the equally important need to protect our emotional well-being when repeated rejection is at play?

What would you do if you were in a similar situation, where years of hurt lead you to withdraw from a family celebration? Share your thoughts and experiences below—your insights might help others navigate the difficult journey from isolation to healing.