AITA for distancing my husband’s “mom”

A Redditor shares her experience with her husband’s former stepmom, Lanie, who has become increasingly involved in their lives despite not having a close relationship with her husband before their wedding.

Lanie has taken on the role of a mother figure, including calling herself the Redditor’s “mother-in-law,” insisting on hosting a baby shower, and disregarding boundaries with the newborn. The Redditor is considering distancing herself and setting boundaries but wonders if she’s overreacting. Read the original story below…

‘ AITA for distancing my husband’s “mom”‘

When I started dating my husband, he had a strained relationship with his biological mother due to her issues with alcohol and past a**sive behavior. He distanced himself from her early in our relationship after many fights. The closest thing to a father figure in his life was “Jason”, a former stepdad from one of her 5 previous marriages and father to two of his siblings.

Jason remarried a woman named “Lanie” when my husband was 12. They were friendly but not close, and he always referred to them as “Jason and Lanie.” Shortly before our wedding, my husband decided not to invite his biological mom. While I disagreed, I respected his choice.

However, he surprised me by announcing Lanie should stand in as his “mom” for the wedding. I thought this was odd since they weren’t ever very close, but I went along with it. They then planned for her to walk him down the aisle and have a mother-son dance, putting her in a central role at the wedding.

She also appeared in all of the family photos and videos. After our wedding, she started introducing my husband as her son to people and calling herself my mother-in-law. While I understand relationships with non-biological parents (my husband is the only father figure to my son from a previous relationship) this felt different.

Even his siblings (Jason’s children) don’t call Lanie “mom.” It got weirder when I got pregnant. Lanie insisted on being involved, calling weekly for updates, claiming she was our baby’s “grandma,” and offering to throw me a baby shower. Since my mom had already been planning one for months, I suggested Lanie attend instead of hosting her own.

She approached my mom about helping, my mom sort of brushed her off because she didn’t know her. Lanie burst into tears while leaving that day, claiming it wasn’t fair for her not to be allowed to host a shower for her daughter in law.

My husband asked me to let her co-host, but I stood firm, saying my mom was allowed to throw me a party without involving this woman she didn’t know. When our baby was born, I made it clear I wanted no visitors during labor and limited guests afterward. Lanie ignored this, showing up at the hospital immediately after the baby was born.

After delivery, she followed us to our room and tried to hold the baby before my sister, despite my explicit wishes. My husband sided with her, saying it hurt her feelings to wait. She bought a T-shirt reading “Army Mama” and a necklace saying “My heart belongs to a soldier” when my husband was deployed.

She’s also claimed our children as her “grandbabies,” making ornaments with their photos from my Facebook. While I understand non-traditional family dynamics, Lanie’s growing intimacy in our lives seems odd.

When we married, I didn’t expect to inherit a “mother-in-law” relationship with someone my husband hadn’t previously mentioned. Her motherly and possessive behavior toward my husband feels inappropriate. AITA for distancing her and drawing some boundaries?

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

sith_lord442 −  NTA, you need to establish clear boundaries, especially now that you have kids. It is your right to choose what role people have in your children’s life. I would suggest having a sit down with your husband and tell him how you feel about her. Although he has the right to his own opinion, he needs to respect yours. Again, not the a**hole

snarkness_monster −  Info: have you spoken to your husband about his relationship with Lanie?

Penrose_Ultimate −  NTA, she is a real person like any other which means you can totally not like her. She seems like the AH for being too much in your space.

plz-dont- −  Update** everyone is asking where Jason is in all of this and where my husband stands. 1. Jason is very stoic. I’ve never heard him voice his opinion on pretty much anything. He has a good relationship with my husband but doesn’t call him son or anything. He seems to just ignore Laines behavior.

He is also out of town 2/3 or the time for his job. He wasnt at the wedding or many of the family events she’s crashed. 2. My husband is whats really making me the most uncomfortable about all of this. When we met he introduced me to his bio mom and said despite their rocky relationship, he loved her.

I wasn’t super suprised when he wanted to stop spending time with her after she stole a bunch of money from him. BUT I was completely shocked when he deemed Lanie his new mom out of the blue. Ever since then he always calls her mom or momma, defends her actions when she intrudes (like in the hospital) and wants her involved in everything.

His siblings (her step children) find it weird that he calls her mom as well. They’ve both asked him why he started calling Lanie mom and why he acts like she’s his despite no history. He just shrugged off their comments. It’s frustrating especially because my son didn’t have a clue who she was and then they both just started telling him this was also his grandma.

I’ve approached him about it gently several times but he always gets immediately very upset when I bring her up. He says I don’t understand his feelings and I’m being very mean to imply that she’s not his mom.

No_Struggle_9121 −  NTA. Communicate. If this 1/5 has been in his life since before 12; consider your husband lucky he has a dad, same as you, albeit a chosen one. His wife however needs to live in reality. I take it your husband doesn’t know how a family functions, teach him gently. Good luck.

FornowWearefine −  NTA Boundaries need to be communicated to Lanie by your husband not you. It will be better coming from him. I think Lanie felt that by him asking her to take the Mother role at the wedding it meant he thought of her as his mother and she is excited to be in that role. It is his job to explain what he sees as her position in his life and what the boundaries are.

IHaveBoxerDogs −  ESH. I don’t know why you were so against Lanie from the get go. I think it’s possible your husband was closer to her than you knew. You sound oddly jealous. Who cares that she wears an army mom t-shirt or a cheesy necklace?

But, her behavior at the hospital was unacceptable. And I don’t think she should have used the photos from FB, but honestly you just learned a lesson about why you should thin twice before you put your kids on social media. Also, where is Jason in all of this?

Do you think the Redditor is justified in distancing Lanie and setting boundaries, or is she being too harsh considering Lanie’s desire to be involved in her family’s life? How would you handle an overbearing family member in a similar situation? Share your thoughts below!