AITA for dismissing my rude teen daughter’s feelings?’

A Redditor, a 45-year-old mother, is grappling with her 18-year-old daughter’s dismissive behavior following the recent death of her terminally ill aunt. The mother is frustrated by her daughter’s seemingly indifferent attitude and bratty complaints about family visits during a time of grief.

Despite the daughter’s typical maturity, she has been reclusive and resentful of the family’s presence in their home. The Redditor is questioning whether she’s in the wrong for dismissing her daughter’s feelings and expecting her to be more considerate during a challenging family situation.

Read the story below to understand the dynamics at play in this emotional family scenario.

‘ AITA for dismissing my rude teen daughter’s feelings?’

Hi, am I out of line? I’m F45, and my daughter is 18. Recently, my terminally ill aunt died a week after summer break started. (After a few months of her quick deterioration and just a few days of being in hospice because she had no response to treatment.)My daughter has always been a closed off, reserved person.

However, she’s a little immature when she doesn’t get what she wants, and is very snide and in your face sometimes during those occasions. When my aunt died, my sister came over and has been here ever since, for about four weeks now, when we arranged the funeral and reception.

My daughter did not cry or look upset at all, even though she’d sometimes go to look after her greataunt on the days her greatuncle needed to go out, since she was bedbound and completely paralysed and unable to speak. You’d expect some sort of reaction, right? But she had none.

She’d avoid her greataunt a lot, and never talked to me about her. For this reason, I assumed she was just detached as a lot of children usually are, and left her alone. However, since her aunt and her three young children came to stay, she has been very bratty, and complains when she has to clean up after them because they’re quite spoiled.

She’s like this everytime they come to stay, because my sister is quite an unhygienic person and she and her children have had lice for years. She didn’t say anything to them since my aunt is grieving, so she hides in her room for the whole day because she feels “stuffy” and “repulsed.”

Always asking me when they will leave. I understand why she feels this way, I don’t like how the children and my sister crowd my home and not clean up after themselves. But they’re family, and we’re grieving even if she’s not.

She even hated the reception, not serving the guests (family and family friends.) and looking annoyed when I told her to, as she said she just wanted to “sit there.” It was very embarrassing for me. All she needed to do was hand out water.

I told her not to be too mean, as they’re family and her aunt is grieving, but she, being immature, narrowed her eyes at me and told me she feels trapped in this house, wanting space, before she went back to her room, even when I ask her to come downstairs and spend time with me.

She’s usually a sweet girl. Very smart and mature, even emotionally, and very perceptive, but for the past few weeks she’s been more reclusive and bratty than usual, even more so than other times when her aunt has been around. Am I right in being dismissive of her attitude and “feelings”?

It seems to me, as of recently, there’s been a bad change in her. Even if she doesn’t care about her greataunt dying, someone who has taken care of her before developing this illness and who she has known since she was young, she should at least think of her aunt’s needs.

Honestly, I’m quite annoyed. My mother told me I should just leave her alone to herself, but she needs to be kinder.

Check out how the community responded:

Buttersgood −  YTA – It isn’t your daughter’s job to be an unpaid maid to a family so unhygienic they carry lice. That is absolutely repulsive and places your entire household at risk—and obviously it isn’t just their “grief” if this is how they live.

I wouldn’t want to be around that level of mental illness or n**lect either — why don’t you try cleaning up after them and get lice and see how you like it? And also: who “likes” a funeral reception?

What kind of demented better homes and gardens party planet are you living on? Stop alienating your daughter for no reason because “family” is no excuse for what you describe. YTA.

Shitsuri −  Hmmmmmm. You don’t think her bad attitude could be related to her great aunt dying? That’s kind of obtuse .Let’s not even address the fact that she’s probably also paranoid she’ll get head lice

ParsimoniousSalad −  YTA. I’m sorry for your loss. BUT Even through just what you’ve written I can tell that your aunt’s passing HAS affected your daughter. Just because she doesn’t grieve in the way you expect her to doesn’t mean she’s cold or uncaring.

And why should she be expected to clean up after your sister’s lice-ridden messy family (I’m not trying to be insulting, just descriptive)? Can’t you speak to your sister about managing her children better? Why do you expect your 18yo daughter to be more of a responsible adult than your sister who is the mother of the children??

I don’t think it’s your daughter who needs to be kinder. EDIT: and btw, saying she felt “stuffy” out in the house sounds like a possible physiological reaction to your sister’s family’s lack of hygiene. In other words, it can be physical too, not just an emotional reaction.

sheramom4 −  YTA. Your expectations of your daughter are that one, she would be a caregiver for a dying woman. Two, that she will now act as a maid and nanny for your sister’s unhygienic and spoiled children. Three, that would would serve guests at a funeral reception she was not hosting.

Four, That she would emote on command or at least in a way that suits you. Your sister has needs all right. The need to move out of your house and take her kids with her. Why has she been there for a month and why haven’t you set some boundaries for the well-being of your teenager?

Malibu921 −  Jesus Christ. Listen, I’m sorry for your loss but YTA. Majorly. Grief isn’t performative. Just because you haven’t seen her cry doesn’t mean she isn’t bothered.
for the past few weeks she’s been more reclusive and bratty than usual,

Gee… I wonder if something happened recently that would make her withdrawn and less likely to want to deal with people.A better question is why you keep allowing your sister, who is “quite an unhygienic person and she and her children have had lice for years” to repeatedly stay in your home, and why are you putting their needs above your daughter’s?

No_Scientist7086 −  YTA – you move 4 unhygienic people I to her home and expect her to be a good hostess? Get over yourself.

Mysterious-System680 −  However, since her aunt and her three young children came to stay, she has been very bratty, and complains when she has to clean up after them because they’re quite spoiled. Did your daughter invite your sister and her three kids to stay with you? If not, she shouldn’t have to clean up after them.

You shouldn’t even be letting them into the house if they’ve got lice. Go grieve with your sister in her home.. YTA.

[Reddit User] −  Edit to add judgment – YTA. Hairstylist here. Lice is NOT a joke! It IS a big deal, your sisters children having lice FOR YEARS is a giant red flag and a sign of outright n**lect of their hygiene to the point that someone should be calling cps(if they go to in person school I’m literally in shock that a teacher or nurse hasn’t done this yet).

HIGHLY CONTAGIOUS, and if they’ve been in your house for literally weeks it’s almost inevitable that you and your family will contract it as well. You’ll have to literally boil all your clothes/bedding that have been anywhere near them for any length of time and have your furniture professionally disinfected to have any chance of not getting it.

Your daughter closing herself off in her room is actually giving her a better chance and I don’t blame her for feeling disgusting being forced into proximity with people who are literally carrying parasites.

Upper_Record4610 −  Gently, YTA. It’s not totally clear why your sister and her kids need to be there right now, but you’ve essentially allowed this chaotic environment in your home during a time of grief. Your daughter’s attitude is her trying to communicate that she’s unhappy with this but doesn’t have the vocabulary or maturity to do so.

You are not right in being dismissive towards this, you have to demonstrate emotional maturity and talk with her, preferably when your sister and her chaos aren’t around so your daughter can safely express what her needs are.

Is this the first major d**th in the family? I wouldn’t write off her reaction as not caring, but just processing differently than you do.

Successful_Jury_9952 −  Omg yta. I simply can not understand how u can type that out, read it back to urself and not think ur the a**hole.

Family grief can bring out unexpected reactions, especially in teenagers. What do you think? Share your thoughts in the comments!