AITA for destroying family Christmas?
The holiday season is supposed to be a time for joy, family bonding, and thoughtful gift-giving. But what happens when one family member refuses to include new additions to the family in their long-standing traditions? That’s the dilemma one Redditor faced when his mother refused to buy gifts for his wife or their child while continuing to give him lavish presents.
At first, he thought it was just an oversight, but after bringing it up, his mother was shocked that his wife even expected a gift. The result? A complete meltdown that led to her canceling Christmas entirely. Now, his sisters blame him for “ruining” the family holiday. Was he out of line for pushing his mom to acknowledge his wife and child, or was his mother being unreasonable? Let’s break it down.
‘AITA for destroying family Christmas?’
Expert Opinion:
Why This Situation Is About More Than Just Presents
At face value, this may seem like a simple argument over Christmas gifts, but according to family psychologist Dr. Joshua Coleman, gift-giving plays a much deeper role in family relationships. “Gifts symbolize inclusion, belonging, and recognition within a family unit. When someone is left out of a tradition that includes others, it can feel like an intentional act of exclusion,” he explains.
In this case, OP’s wife and child were not just left out once—his mother had consistently chosen to exclude them while showering him with expensive gifts. This sends a clear message: You are not part of this family. It’s understandable that OP’s wife felt hurt, and his mother’s reaction of cutting off Christmas altogether seems less like a reasonable response and more like a power move to maintain control.
Is OP’s Mother Actually Controlling?
OP initially stated that his mother isn’t controlling, but her actions suggest otherwise. Dr. Harriet Lerner, author of The Dance of Anger, notes that controlling parents often mask their behavior under the guise of “tradition” or “just how things have always been.” She explains, “When parents resist including new family members, it’s often an unconscious attempt to maintain the family hierarchy and assert dominance”.
OP’s mother responded to a simple request for fairness by shutting down Christmas entirely. That’s not just avoiding conflict—that’s punishment. It forces the entire family to suffer, creating pressure on OP to back down and let things stay the same. If OP’s mother genuinely wanted to avoid drama, she could have easily adjusted her gift-giving traditions rather than going nuclear.
How This Could Have Been Handled Better
To avoid this kind of holiday disaster, experts suggest:
- Setting Clear Expectations Early: If OP’s mother had stated from the beginning that she only buys gifts for her biological children, it might have helped prevent misunderstandings.
- Compromising with a Family Gift: Instead of buying individual gifts, she could have bought a joint gift for OP and his wife, or at the very least, acknowledged her grandchild.
- Avoiding Emotional Ultimatums: Canceling Christmas was an extreme reaction that turned a minor issue into a family-wide crisis. A conversation—rather than an emotional shutdown—would have been the healthier approach.
Here’s What Reddit Had to Say:
The Reddit community was deeply divided on this one. While many sided with OP, arguing that excluding his wife and child was unfair, others believed that his mother had the right to gift however she pleased and that OP overstepped by trying to force change.
What do you think? Should OP have just accepted his mother’s way of doing things, or was he right to push for fairness? Let us know in the comments!