AITA for demanding my girlfriend tells me her author’s pen name?’

A 32-year-old man has been dating his girlfriend, Siobhan, for six months but only recently discovered that she is a romance and erotica author. When he asked for her pen name, she refused, saying she wanted to keep it private. He insisted that she should tell him, accusing her of not trusting him and even checking her laptop to find it himself.

She changed her password and became angry, kicking him out. Before leaving, he demanded that if she ever apologized, she should also give him her pen name. Now, he’s wondering if he’s in the wrong after his sister called him an asshole.

‘ AITA for demanding my girlfriend tells me her author’s pen name?’

I’ve (m32) been dating Siobhan (f32) for 6 months now. She’s always been very vague about what she does for a living (sati things like writing and working from home writing) but recently, one of her friends mentioned something and I finally dragged it out of her.

She’s an author, she write and self published romance and erotica stories and novels and while not rich, she’s able to make a living out of it. I googled her name and couldn’t find anything so I confronted her about this. She said she’s writing under a pen name so I demanded she gives it to me so I know what she does.

She refuses saying she doesn’t want it to be leaked even by accident and no one knows. I accused her of not trusting me and she still refused which was really annoying. I tried nicer approach and told her that I want to know her fantasies so I can try it out with her and she told me that what she writes aren’t her fantasies but her readers and she’s still not going to tell me.

At night I tried to check her laptop for her pen name but she changed her password before bed. I was annoyed and told her she clearly doesn’t trust me and it’s not fair because I have a right to know what she writes especially since it’s a sensitive topic and I don’t know her if I don’t know her pen name.

She was furious I tried to look on her laptop and told me to go home. Before leaving I told her when she calls to apologize, I expect to get her pen name with the apology.
She called me an a**hole on my way out. I thought she’d call by now but she hasn’t. My sister told me I was the a**hole and I should apologize but I just don’t see it and need. Second opinion. Was I the a**hole?

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

thirdtryisthecharm −  YTA. I have a right to know what she writes. Based on what? You WANT to know what she writes – don’t confuse that with having any sort of RIGHT to the information.

CrystalQueen3000 −  YTA. Well you’re just a walking red flag OP, demanding, controlling and feel like it’s your right to snoop.. That’s just grim.. Enjoy being single

Steelguitarlane −  YTA with bells on. She wants to write erotica from the safety of anonymity. You don’t get to remove that. You’re a double a**hole for expecting an apology. If she were here, half the sub (more like 95%) would be urging her to d**p your controlling ass that would probably doxx her in the event of a messy breakup.

OkeyDokey234 −  I can’t believe she doesn’t trust me, he said, as he attempted to break into her laptop.

MimosaVendetta −  YTA!! 100% YTA! You have been dating for 6 months. Erotica writers can face horrible situations if they are recognized by fans or by people who disagree with what they write.

Also, if she’s making a living this way and you were to find out she writes something you don’t like, would you start pressuring her to stop? That’s a bridge she’s not ready to cross with you. Respect her boundaries and keep your hands OFF her work equipment.

[Reddit User] −  YTA. You are absolutely *not* e**itled to any of her information and the fact that you think otherwise is frightening. Period.. I tried nicer approach
No, you tried to manipulate her and thankfully she didn’t fall for it. when she calls to apologize, I expect…. You should expect to be dumped.. Again, YTA.

nondickhead −  Yta – you come across as someone who would threaten to rage-leak her name every time she displeased you

VastPainter −  “She said she didn’t trust me, so I waited until she was asleep and tried to log onto her laptop.” Sounds like she was right not to trust you. YTA, for sure.

[Reddit User] −  You realize you’re posting here on Reddit using a pen name, right?. Do your friends know it? Does she? See where we’re going with this….?

khelpi −  YTA , I don’t know how you wrote this entire post and didn’t realize it. You started by demanding, not asking, for her pen name. You’ve only been dating for six months and she told you she isn’t comfortable sharing yet- and instead of understanding and giving her time you reacted angrily.

Then you tried a m**ipulative approach- feigning interest in her fantasies to get it out of her. This is doubly bad since you assumed without asking that what she does professionally is a personal kink for her??? She said no again, so you ignored her boundaries and went behind her back to try and find out yourself.

This is also a breach of privacy. You assumed you had a right to know something she wasn’t ready to share even after you proved yourself untrustworthy. And to top it all off, you left saying you expected an apology like you’re some kind of victim when she did nothing wrong.

Does the boyfriend have a right to know about his girlfriend’s pen name, or is he crossing personal and professional boundaries by demanding it? What are your thoughts on respecting privacy in relationships? Let’s discuss below!