AITA for demanding back a LOANED antique that wasn’t supposed to be a gift?

A Reddit user, a 45-year-old woman, shared a dilemma about asking her long-time friend, Lauren, to return a family heirloom crystal lamp that she had loaned to her years ago. The user had kept the lamp in storage while living abroad, and Lauren had offered to hold onto it until her return. However, now that the user is back and has settled into a new home, Lauren refuses to return it, claiming it was a gift.

The lamp is both emotionally valuable and worth a significant amount of money, and the Reddit user is heartbroken by the strain this is placing on their friendship. Read the full story below…

‘ AITA for demanding back a LOANED antique that wasn’t supposed to be a gift?’

I (45F) have a dear friend “Lauren” (43F). We grew up together, and she was a bridesmaid at my wedding 20 yrs ago. Several years ago my husband and I had a great opportunity to work and live abroad for a few years. It required that we sell our house and most of our belongings, and put the rest in storage.

One item I did not want to let go was a beautiful antique crystal lamp that belonged to my late grandmother. It holds many important memories for me. Unfortunately, our storage unit was so full that I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to squeeze it in without giving up something else we wanted to keep. 

I mentioned this dilemma to Lauren, and she jumped in with an offer to hold onto the lamp “for me”. She said it would look gorgeous in her living room and she would be proud to display it there until we got back. I was thrilled!
Well, our time abroad recently came to an end and we are now back in the US. We bought a new house, collected our belongings from storage, and are in the process of furnishing it.

I asked Lauren for my lamp back, and she got all pissy and said that she understood it was a GIFT! I reminded her that it was a family heirloom that she promised to keep “for me” until I got back, but she insists that’s not how she remembers it. She said she adores this lamp, it’s the “focal point” of her living room decor, and that if I demanded it back our friendship would be over.

I’m heartbroken. She is one of my oldest friends, and while she can be quirky, she’s never done anything like this before. I don’t want to lose her friendship, but I also don’t want to lose a treasured family heirloom! It’s also worth quite a bit of money – it appraised at over $2000. To be clear, I am 100% confident that I did NOT tell her it was hers to keep. Given our life-long friendship, I thought it was safe to leave it with her. I can’t even fathom why she thinks I gave it to her. We are not rich, I would never give a gift that expensive to anyone!

To make matters worse, I told my sister about all of this, and she hit the roof. That lamp holds memories for her too, and she was livid that it might be lost to our family. I’ve always intended to pass it down to my own daughter.
So last week I told Lauren I want the lamp.

She burst into tears and accused me of putting “material things over friendship” but said she’d give it back, although she keeps coming up with excuses why she’s been too busy to either bring it over or let me come by to get it.  Now I’m wondering if she’s right. Is a life-long friendship more important than a lamp? AITA for demanding it back, hurting Lauren’s feelings and making her think I don’t care about our friendship?

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

Natural_Garbage7674 −  NTA. The only person putting material things above your friendship is Lauren. She’s the one who issued the ultimatum. *She’s* the one who would rather have her aesthetic house with the lamp than you as a friend. *She’s* the one who convinced herself you’d let her keep a beloved antique, despite the fact that she literally only has possession of it *because* you wanted to keep it.

Her own logic/story is full of holes and she knows it. That’s why she’s going nuclear. When was the last time you were at her house? Have you seen the lamp recently? Are you sure it hasn’t been broken or sold? Or is she just really so deluded that she built her room around an item she doesn’t own, and has been showing of “her” antique for years?

tinyd71 −  Lauren insists she remembers that the lamp was a gift, not a loan. Lauren will end your friendship if you demand the lamp back. Lauren cried, and accused you of valuing the lamp over your friendship with her. Umm…isn’t that what Lauren just threatened you with? It’s not for you to decide if a lifelong friendship is more important than the lamp — Lauren has already decided that (spoiler: she values the lamp more).. NTA.

Always_Never_5555 −  I GOT THE LAMP BACK! I want to thank everyone who commented for all of the support. It helped me to see how I was allowing Lauren to manipulate me into believing that somehow I was in the wrong for wanting my lamp back.

Early this morning I drove over to her house. It’s Saturday so I figured she’d be home, and she was. I could tell as soon as she opened the door that she knew why I was there. And yes, the lamp was there. Someone commented a suggestion that I bring her a bottle of wine to thank her for caring for my lamp, and I thought that was a great idea! Lauren does love wine. 😉 I brought her a very nice bottle that we brought back from abroad.

I said I’m sorry things have gotten tense between us, and I do value her friendship very much. I handed her the bottle and told her this is a gift to say thank you for taking such good care of my Grandma’s lamp. I said “I’m sorry if there was any confusion about my intention in letting you hold onto it, but I think you know now how important that heirloom is to me and my family, and I need to take it back.”

She kept saying she believed it was a gift, but I stood my ground and said she is remembering it wrong. I reminded her that this was a family heirloom. I said “Think about this: to you, it’s a pretty lamp. To me, it’s a reminder of my departed Grandma, and all the wonderful times spent in her house with this lamp lighting up her living room.” How could she argue with that?

I didn’t get angry, I remained calm but firm. In the end she just threw her hands up and said “fine,” and I unplugged the lamp, gave her a hug and left. She was clearly upset, but I didn’t stick around to see how she reacted.

I don’t know what’s going to happen with our friendship. I will say that I feel differently about her now, but if she is willing to move past this, so am I. Lifelong friends are hard to come by, and one dispute shouldn’t end it. If we do move forward, I will know not to trust her with something like this again. But it’s entirely possible I will never hear from her again. I don’t plan on reaching out any time soon.

There were too many comments for me to address them all, but I want to answer a few questions. First, I wasn’t going to get the police involved. This is a civil matter not criminal. I know I had the option of small claims court, and I guess I would have if necessary. I have plenty of photos of that lamp in my other house, and even in my Grandma’s living room.

My sister lives in another state, so bringing her wasn’t an option. My husband would have come with me, but I wanted to try to work this out between us. Yes, I should have gotten something in writing before we left, but it was a VERY chaotic time and I just didn’t think about anything but being grateful I didn’t have to figure out how to squeeze the lamp into storage. Lesson learned. I don’t really care what she says to our mutual friends. If anyone asks me about it, I’ll tell them the truth.

noitseuQehT −  Is it possible the lamps broke and she doesnt want to admit it?

ABeerAndABook −  Is a life-long friendship more important than a lamp? That’s a question lamp t**ef Lauren should be asking themself since they are the Problem here.  OP is NTA and should get the lamp back ASAP before it “disappears” or has an “accident.”

Tally0987654321 −  NTA Your friend is the one that’s putting material things before friendship. Who give a F\* if it looks good in her living room. it was your grandmothers. Your mistake was even letting her have it tbh. I’d be surprised if she returns it. The relationship is damaged 100% either way. She didn’t misunderstand. She is pretending and creating drama. It works well. You make the other person question if it’s even worth following through on what the right thing is. Get your lamp back.

NameNumberUnderscore −  NTA. Go get your lamp right away, like right now tonight or tomorrow morning at the latest.

sparklyflowerr −  NTA. The lamp was a loan, not a gift, and holds sentimental value. It’s reasonable to ask for it back, and if Lauren values your friendship, she should respect that.

NumbersGuy22 −  OP, something that has not been touched on that will be a likely default on Lauren’s behalf, is that she will do everything to play the victim in your social circles and paint you as a pariah since she’s already threatening you with throwing away a 20 year friendship over a lamp.

In today’s social media obsessed world, she’ll come out as the one who has been who’s been wronged. Only you know whether or not she would resort to this tactic, but if she’s being this dramatic to end your friendship over “the lamp,” then be aware of what other petulant antics an erratic person would do who doesn’t get their way.

ha5k-sas −  NTA. She’s also putting material goods over your friendship, and it clearly means more to you than to her.