AITA for declining leftover food at my bfs friends bbq after the group ate first right in front of us?
A Reddit user shared a story about attending a BBQ with her ex-boyfriend’s friends, where they were excluded from the main meal and only offered leftovers. When she declined to eat after being left out, it led to a disagreement with her ex that ultimately ended their relationship. Read the full story below and decide for yourself who was in the wrong.
‘Â AITA for declining leftover food at my bfs friends bbq after the group ate first right in front of us?’
Tell me your thoughts on if this was rude: I (37F) met my (now ex 38M) exes friends for the first time at a pre-drink/bbq he invited me to join him on.
They seemed nice enough, but prior to getting there my ex said that his friend msgd and said the host feels bad bc they are having a bbq and there may not be enough food for everyone, so if we see food lying around to not feel bad about it. I said this is fine of course! I assumed he meant they’d have already eaten and we were joining after.
We get there, and its clear they havent eaten yet. 8 people were invited of the 12 guests for the dinner, 4 of us were not. When it came to meal time, the 8 of them sat around a nicely set table and CHOWED DOWN without making eye contact with us while we stood on the outside of the table chatting. I thought this was so weird, my ex did not I guess? It was awkward bc we were actually starving!
When the meal was done, the host got up and said “guys, please help yourself!” to the leftovers lol. I know people are all raised differently, but this struck me as so odd. My ex went and got some food on a plate and said “come eat” and for some reason, I just couldnt get myself to do it. I dont even know these people and it was so uncomfortable.
I politely said, no thank you! And carried on my conversation. WELL my ex was so bothered by this reaction from me, it ruined the whole evening for him and we actually broke up after that (he broke up with me).
He had originally said we would just eat together at the street festival so I was bothered that he put me in that position and then was mad at me for choosing not to eat and grabbing a snack on the street?
Is this culturally normal behaviour for some people? I live in Canada, I could NEVER eat infront of a guest in my home and not feed them but is this normal behaviour for some? Was I rude or in the wrong for doing this? Or was he g**lighting me by being mad and making me feel like the rude person for declining food?
These are the responses from Reddit users:
RockerStubbs − No, this is SO WEIRD. To specifically single out guests to only get leftovers while the ‘first’ crew gets their pick?? I don’t know ANYONE who would do this. I would have been appalled and acted just the way you did…’I’m good, I’ll eat what I planned on eating, I don’t need to pick through your leftover, cold food’.
They all could have had a little less to be able to share with the four people not included, or asked you to bring a couple of burgers so you weren’t left out…especially if you were going somewhere where they had food! NTA…sounds like you dodged a bullet with that guy!
sickofdriving007 − NTA. Who has a BBQ, invites people and doesn’t have enough food for everyone? Assholes that’s who (unless your ex invited himself and you without informing the host but he’s an AH either way).
I’m with you. I never eat until everyone else at my home has made a plate and I always make sure to have enough food. Apparently your ex is an AH for breaking up with you for a stupid reason. Sounds like you dodged a bullet and better off without him and his AH friends.
dstarpro − This sounds like a mess. Why would you invite people to a barbecue whom you can’t feed? NTA.
Fearless_Spring5611 − NTA. That sounds weird as f**k – four of you explicitly not allowed to eat until the “main” guests have had their fill? What is this, Regency England?
Sheslikeamom − NTA. I’m Canadian and this is weird social hierarchy behavior. That was an incredibly rude dinner. This person has zero host and etiquette knowledge. Like move the guests to another room. Offer small plates..
Besides that, your ex is a massive tool. For getting upset that you didn’t want to eat after being told that there wouldn’t be food. For not having any plan as to what you’d eat. For not even offering to bring you a small plate or food from his plate.
SnooPets8873 − NTA it’s completely rude but probably normalized in that group for some of them because of low resources within the group that created different norms than the rest of society.
I think it’s why some people are convinced it’s fine and common to not offer food to guests or be asked to pay as a guest in order to eat at a dinner party – or your ex boyfriend wants so badly to be their friend that he overlooks bad treatment and was annoyed at you refusing because it calls out the bad behavior of the person he wants to be close to.
OldMammaSpeaks − In my culture, I would do without myself before having a guest watch me eat. If I had a partner, I would ask them to wait also.
The more i am on Reddit, the more I hear my mother hiss about “No home traing(NHT). And when people are like, “NTheA, we did that at home too!” I think, “No s**t. You ain’t got no home training either.”
lorainnesmith − I would have left quietly but immediately the group of 8 sat down to eat. That’s appalingly rude. Since you were seeing your ex I would assume these people could have eventually become your friends, lucky escape for you.
auroracirce − Your ex’s friends were pretty rude to handle it that way. You did nothing wrong by politely declining and looking after yourself.
Such_Detective_6709 − NTA. This is utterly bizarre! Literally the only thing I can think of is that your ex and the buddy who invited him do this to her all the time and now they have different rules, because it sounds like she’s serving sit down dinners and they’re not RSVPing but still showing up. Did everyone seem to get along? Was there a weird vibe, aside from the attitude around food?
Honestly, when I started hosting sit-down dinner parties, it took awhile to shake the guys who would still show up with a case of beer and their video game systems expecting an all-night rager at my place, that’s what this is reminding me of. And the immaturity to immediately break up with you for not merrily helping yourself to a strangers leftovers on a date is so strange.