AITA for cutting off my mother when she got a paternity test for my daughter?

A Reddit user shared a deeply personal situation involving his mother, wife, and daughter. After a brief breakup in their relationship, the user and his wife were unsure whether their daughter was biologically his due to the timing of their breakup and subsequent reunion.

While the user never cared about the biological connection, his mother took matters into her own hands and secretly ordered a DNA test for his daughter. Upon learning the results, she confronted him, suggesting divorce and disowning his daughter. The user, feeling betrayed, decided to cut contact with his mother. Was he wrong for this decision? Read the full story below…

‘ AITA for cutting off my mother when she got a paternity test for my daughter?’

I’ve been with my wife for 8 years. We have 2 children, a 5 year old daughter and a 2 year old son. I’ve known since my wife got pregnant that there was a possibility our daughter wasn’t my biological child. I don’t care. She’s my daughter and my wife has never been unfaithful. However, I don’t want to know if she is or she isn’t biologically related to me, and I’ve never wanted to know.

Edit to include the full story as people are assuming she cheated: My wife and I were together for around 2 years when we had a fight and broke up. We were broken up for 3 months, during which we both slept with other people, and then we got back together. After approx 2 months of being back together, my wife found out she was pregnant.

We knew there was a possibility of one other man being the biological father, and it was a toss up between me and him, but it was more likely to be mine. My wife was honest with me that she’d slept with other people when we got back together, and I was equally honest, and the window of conception for our daughter was just large enough we couldn’t say for sure if she was conceived when we were together or apart and while she offered to get our daughter tested, I didn’t want to know. My entire family were aware we broke up and got back together.

Visibly, she looks like her mother. Same dark hair, same dimples, same bone structure, and I see bits of myself in her, too, mainly in her mannerisms, with the only part that doesn’t match up being her eyes, which are brown, while mine are green and my wife’s are blue. Meanwhile my son, with his green eyes, blonde hair, and bone structure, looks like I cloned myself, and looks very different to his dark haired, dark eyed sister.

My mother has noticed, and remarks on it often. This really gets my wife’s hackles up, both because of the reality behind that, which my mother is unaware of, and because she and my mother have clashed a few times in the past. They are very different people, and their personalities just don’t mix.

Then a few months ago my wife’s sister and my best friend (they’re married) got into a car accident, they were in the hospital with one of their 3 kids, while the other 2 were home alone, so we asked my mother to watch our kids while we helped them out. Our kids were with her and my dad for about 5 hours.

Last week mum came over and said she had something important to tell me. When she had my daughter unsupervised, she did one of those DNA test kits on my daughter, comparing it to her own DNA (which she apparently ordered months ago for this exact purpose and was waiting to use it) and it confirmed my daughter isn’t biologically related to me, and she began to tell me about a lawyer she could get me in touch with to begin divorce proceedings.

I told her this changes nothing, she’s still my daughter and that’s my wife she’s talking about. Mum was shocked, and called my wife some names I don’t care to repeat. I told her to get out of my house.

It’s been nearly a week. I’ve told my wife, blocked my mother on everything, and there’s been constant calls and texts. My mother is furious I never told her that I had an inkling, and has since disowned my daughter, but says my son is still her “special little guy” so she wants a relationship with my son but not my daughter.

In addition to my mother, all 5 of my siblings (3 sisters, 2 brothers), and dad are angry with me, they want me to get back in touch, and a couple of them have even said I should thank mum for what she did as she was looking out for me and now I know. However, I can’t justify my mother going behind my back to get a DNA test on my daughter without consulting me.

I feel I’m in the right, but I also feel I could be overreacting, and I would appreciate another perspective as I’m seriously considering cutting contact with my mother over this.. AITA?. ​

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

MommaBearJam −  NTA. This was your choice and had nothing to do with your mother. She did this solely to hurt your wife. If you allow your mother to have a relationship with your son while not having one with your daughter, you’d be a terrible father. Blood doesn’t make a father.

Howiethegirl −  NTA. Your mom over stepped so much, there just aren’t words. Also a side note: I know you don’t care about your daughters paternity, but if your mom ordered a mitochondrial DNA test (used to be a little bit cheaper and is sometimes an option for grandparent testing) your daughter would show as unrelated even if she was related because it compares DNA that is passed on from mother to daughter.

CostlessJet −  NTA Blood isn’t family. You have accepted her and treated her as your own. Hopefully your Parents and Siblings will realized this if you cut her out.. On a future note, when she get older it would be best if your Daughter hears that she is not blood related from you. Your family might continue to be assholes and some how get to her and drop the ball.

Desert_Fairy −  What really upsets me here is that your mother took a DNA sample of your child (without your knowledge and against your wishes) and sent it to a company that will log her DNA in their database for undetermined uses later on.
This means people could be using her DNA sequence for just about anything for the rest of time.

The only thing they intend to do to maintain her privacy is to give the DNA sequence a number ID and keep her name and address separate. The violation of bodily autonomy that your mother did is frightening. Your 5 year old child no longer owns her own DNA sequence.. NTA

hello_friendss −  NTA your mother crossed some serious boundaries. Whatever past happened is you and your wife’s business. She is your daughter, whether blood related or not, and quite frankly is none of your mother’s concern. Your mother is in the wrong to challenge it.

Pasdepromesses −  My grandparents didn’t like my mother and only my father, my brother and I were welcome. When I was 6 I decided I didn’t want to go to a place my mom was not welcome. My grandparents stopped talking to me, only bought presents for my brother and ignored me in the grocery store.

When I was a teenager and they got sick, I never felt the need to go to the hospital to visit and I never went to their funeral even though my family pleaded with me. I felt nothing for such immature and cruel people. Don’t let this happen to your daughter. Grandparents and parents should be the bigger persons or at least keep the children save and loved.

vtj0101 −  NTA, what an amazing father you sound like. What your mother did was inappropriate, immoral and unacceptable and you have dealt with this very clearly and supported your family. They are very lucky to have you and I wish you lots of happiness.

teresajs −  NTA. Your mother violated yours, your wife’s, and your daughter’s privacy. She no longer gets to have any contact with either of your children. Block her and anyone supporting her. Also, consult a Family Attorney about Grandparents Rights in your area. You may to prepare for her to file. Your lawyer could also write a Cease and Desist letter, telling your parents to leave your family alone. And get some cameras installed on your house. It isn’t uncommon for Grandparents who behave irrationally to get worse with their behavior. You may need documentation of her actions.

CMSkye −  NTA. Your mother though…yikes. The fact that she wants a relationship with your son but not your daughter is disgusting. I would stay no contact. And if your siblings support your mother, then no contact with them either.
I read from other comments that you are thinking of informing your daughter (at some time), please get confirmation first. Like someone said, a test that uses mitochondrial DNA would not show a relation because it is passed through the maternal line.. Edit: typos

[Reddit User] −  Wow. Sorry uouve had to go through that! You are 100% NTA here. Your mother has crossed some very serious abd essentially medically private boundaries here by doing this. The fact that you chose to stand by your wife and your daughter no matter what should have been accepted by her unconditionally. Actually your pretty amazing for standing by your family through what must have been difficult times in your lives.

Do you think the user overreacted by cutting off his mother, or was he right to protect his family and stand by his daughter regardless of the test results? How would you handle a family member going behind your back like this? Share your thoughts below!