AITA for ‘critiquing’ my partners post about me when discussing the responses?
A Reddit user recounts a conflict with their partner after they expressed discomfort about rekindling a friendship with someone the user had a casual relationship with in the past. The partner posted about the situation in a support forum, framing it in a way that drew harsh criticism of the user.
When the user pointed out the potentially biased wording of the post, the partner accused them of invalidating their feelings. The user wonders if critiquing the post made them an asshole. Read the full story below…
‘ AITA for ‘critiquing’ my partners post about me when discussing the responses? ‘
When I first met my partner “P” I was open about my friend “F” being someone that I had once had a casual relationship with. F and I were just friends before and after anything s**ual occurred, and it stopped happening on its own (we didn’t continue until meeting other people or anything like that, we stopped and went back to just being friends).
I could tell that P wasn’t super comfortable with this, but I knew they had bad previous experiences with being cheated on and also that trust is earned, so I hoped that in time (and with demonstrated faithfulness) this wouldn’t be an issue. I didn’t push to maintain a friendship without P’s involvement.
One day a group of us went out for a drink, with P coming along and meeting these friends for the first time. P got along with some, but things with F were awkward. At one point, F was making some bawdy jokes. Not to me, just talking s**t with the group at the other end of the table.
P became very uncomfortable and spent the rest of the evening withdrawn and staring at the pub TV. I didn’t speak up at the time because there were multiple convos happening and the jokes weren’t directed at us at all so I didn’t think much of it until later realising how withdrawn P had become.
After this point my friendship with F faded. We caught up one time when I returned an item that I had borrowed previously, which I discussed with P and they said it was OK, they didn’t expect me to just drop it on Fs doorstep and bail without catching up for a bit.
I felt that this was positive and showed trust, however any active friendship with F was pretty much in the past at this point. Now, years later, F reaches out asking how I’m doing, hoping I’m well. I respond in kind, and F asks if I’d like to catch up. I bring it up with P before responding, letting them know that I’d like to.
Thought it would be OK as we’ve had no issues with infidelity, and I’m sure that I’ve never given any signs that I would be unfaithful or anything like that. Now the a**hole moment. P posted about it on a support forum specifically for people with s**tty partners.
Words it as “my partner suddenly wants to start hanging out with someone they used to sleep with, who has only ever been incredibly rude to me”. Then shows me the responses, which almost all say that I am clearly cheating, I am trash, throw me out.
And now P is upset that I am “critiquing their post” when I point out that the wording would make me think that someone is cheating too, and the replies might be biased. I’m open to discussing the replies but I think it’s a valid observation that affects the discussion.
P asked me how I would feel if it were reversed, and I told them that I would be absolutely fine with it because I trust them. P doesn’t seem to believe me.
AITA for bringing this up and then “critiquing” the post that P made to ask for advice? I might be invalidating their feelings by doing so, but I don’t know how to discuss the responses without discussing that part.
Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:
cutiestkrysta − NTA for pointing out the wording, it did make you look bad. but P’s feelings are valid too, especially with trust being a touchy subject, maybe have a calm talk with P and discuss this and about F
MushroomRadiant4647 − NTA. I think you’re not doing anything wrong. But it seems like you and P have bigger issues to discuss around trust. P obviously feels like you still have feelings for F and would cheat on them. It’s a clear situation for you.
The post P made their feelings very clear – and obviously the post was worded to get the types of responses they wanted. Thats not the problem. It’s how P worded the post.
It’s a clear window into how P is feeling about this situation. You guys have some serious talking to do about this. And some work to put into your relationship if P isn’t feeling the trust and respect you feel.
Teleporting-Cat − NTA- and imma say it loud for the folx in the back: CONTROLLING YOUR PARTNERS SOCIAL CIRCLE IS A DEFINING ELEMENT OF ABUSE. I’m not saying that your partner is a**sive. But what they’re doing here, is something that abusers do.
They’re making you responsible for their own insecurity and lack of trust. That’s an impossible standard for you to meet, because its not really about you- it’s them saying “I’m feeling bad, so you must be doing something wrong,” instead of taking responsibility for their own emotions.
It’s okay to have friends. It’s okay to have a s**ual history. It’s okay to have friends of the gender you’re attracted to. It’s okay to have friends that you have a s**ual history with.
Everything you’ve ever seen, done, experienced and been through, everyone you’ve ever known, loved, hated, laughed and cried with, has shaped the person you are now- the person your partner supposedly loves and cares about.
You cannot accept this attempt to isolate you from your friends and your support system. Your partner should love and trust you for who you are. If they can’t trust you, why are they with you?
Oh, and the way they posted their side of the story, and tried to use the responses as ammo to influence your decisions? Super disingenuous. You’re not an a**hole. You’re a human being, who’s had a life full of human connections. That’s okay. Your partner is way out of line.
TLyra82 − INFO: Now she’s got a Reddit thread that has her back and you have a Reddit thread that has your back. What was the point of this exercise? Talk to each other, not people who enjoy seeing the world – or a relationship burn.
nycgarbagewhore − INFO: was F rude to P? What were the jokes? You did say there were multiple conversations you weren’t paying attention to and it seemingly took you a long time to notice that P was uncomfortable and withdrawn. Did you ever talk about why? Or did you just assume it was the “bawdy” jokes?
twoscoopsineverybox − INFO. who has only ever been incredibly rude to me. I noticed you didn’t mention anything about Fs behavior towards P, so what’s up with this claim? From your post it sounds like they only met once, so what other behavior could P be referring to that wasn’t mentioned?
Or are you saying P is just outright lying? In which case that would be more concerning than the post itself. For all we know this post was as carefully worded to skew in your favor just as much as Ps.
And F could be behaving inappropriately but you don’t see it or refuse to. If this is the *only* friend P has an issue with, and they’re not usually a jealous person, that would tell me something is up I’m not seeing.
NettyKing89 − Umm.. this is too vague to say either way but, sounds like p has some serious doubts. To run straight to posting just because an old friend wanted to catch up. Was so insecure that in a group setting, p withdrew making you cut contact “naturally” because of how it was effecting p … It’s emotional manipulation.
Instead of saying stuff to you directly, just m**e around about it so you stop. Sure they can be a natural reaction and genuinely not able to control how you react especially when so many people are around, making jokes and knowing one of them used to have intimate moments with your partner.. but the rest?
It’s the fact a part was apparently needed AND how it was weirded! Plus where it was posted! You know damn well what answers you’ll get in places like that.. NTA
BackgroundSimple1993 − I think if they’re posting about you on a “s**tty partners” forum, you have bigger problems than just this one scenario. How they worded their post on said forum is them being honest about how they feel.
I feel like there’s too much information missing for any of us to make a clear judgement. I’m leaning towards ESH because instead of working it out together, you’re both running to Reddit and using Reddit comments to back you up in what is very likely an exhausting back and forth.
Sit down and talk about boundaries, what you want your futures to look like etc. Maybe you can work this out like grownups or maybe you’re just incompatible.
Affectionate_Oven610 − Is the relationship with P really worth it? People that externalise their anxiety/former trauma are hard work if they aren’t seeking help for it…
elysalola − Nah, you’re NTA. sounds like you just wanted a fair convo and P’s wording made things look way worse. If anything, maybe this needs a deeper chat to get to the root of the trust issue here.
Was the user justified in addressing the post’s biased wording to ensure a balanced discussion, or should they have focused on their partner’s feelings instead? How would you handle a situation where a partner’s public post about your behavior feels misrepresented? Share your perspective below!