AITA for confronting my daughter-in-law about her constant lying and refusing to apologize?

A mother-in-law confronted her daughter-in-law, Emily, about what she believes to be a pattern of dishonesty, from small deceptions to more significant lies impacting family events. Recently, Emily falsely claimed she had arranged a birthday cake for her father-in-law, which caused further tension.

After the confrontation, Emily denied everything and now refuses to attend family gatherings unless she receives an apology. The mother-in-law is conflicted, feeling justified in calling out the behavior without apologizing. read the original story below…

‘ AITA for confronting my daughter-in-law about her constant lying and refusing to apologize?’

I (56F) have a son and things have been tense because of his wife, “Emily” (28F). I’ve noticed over the past year that Emily tends to stretch the truth or flat-out lie about things, both big and small.

At first, it was little things like saying she couldn’t come to family dinners because of work, only to post on social media that she was out with friends. Then it escalated to bigger things.

One example that really bothered me happened recently. We were both supposed to attend a charity fundraiser I was there the entire evening and never saw her. When I later asked if she had made it, she insisted that she had been there the whole time and even said she saw me but was too busy to come say hi.

This wasn’t true—I know for a fact she wasn’t there the volenteers list was small and I definitely would have seen her. We were all in the same room.
More recently, she lied about something involving a family event.

We were planning a small gathering for my husband’s birthday, and Emily told me she’d arranged a cake from his favorite bakery. The day of the party, she showed up empty-handed, claiming they “lost the order.” When I called the bakery to see what happened, they had no record of any order ever being placed..

That was the last straw for me. I pulled her aside later and confronted her about her constant lying. I tried to be calm and respectful, but I told her that her dishonesty was starting to affect how I viewed her and that it was creating tension in the family.

She literally messed up my husband birthday with these lies. She completely denied it and got really upset, saying I was making her out to be a bad person and that I was overreacting. My son got involved and is now angry with me.

The whole thing has caused a rift, and now Emily refuses to come to any family gatherings unless I apologize. I feel like I had every right to call her out, and I have nothing to apolgize for.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

EinsTwo −  NTA.  I could not tolerate that lying either.  Apparently your son does tolerate it? Or he’s in denial?   You may have to choose between being right and having a relationship with your son, unfortunately. 

tosser9212 −  Tell her to provide some proof – ANY proof – that she was in that store to place an order for a cake in the days preceding her statement and your husband’s birthday – and if she can, you’ll apologise.. She can’t. NTA. Do enjoy the family gatherings with sincerity and honesty.

Timely_Egg_6827 −  Think you have a bigger issue. Your DiL doesn’t want to be in your company and uses white lies to justify avoiding you. Calling her out is unlikely to have helped. Maybe time for a bigger conversation about why she prefers not to be where you are. The cake though – she was a AH for that.

Hungry_Ad_9048 −  NTA! OP, you need to accept her challenge. Do not even invite her to any future gatherings. In this situation, you have to be strong and stand your ground. For whatever reason, this woman thinks that lying is okay. She may even single you out as the target of her lies.

Either way, I know it may hurt, but you need to stop this train. You dont owe her an apology because you got proof that she has lied on more than one occasion. Tell your son that you love him very much and you hate that this is happening, but you cannot abide her lies.

Explain to him that the last thing you want to do is limit contact with him, and yet you cant apologize for telling the truth. Ask him if he really thinks that you would make up this information and falsely accuse his wife for no reason.

Tell him you will not give any ultimatums and you also will respect his wifes wishes to not be included in family events. Something is very strange about an adult who lies just for the sake fo lying and sooner than later, your son is going to figure out that his wife is the problem.

mizfit416 −  NTA – Strange behavior.

MentionGood1633 −  If the bakery really lost the order, they wouldn’t have a record of it, so you calling the bakery was pointless. This by itself is not a proof of anything. While I understand that her lying is frustrating, I also see mostly white lies, where she possibly didn’t want to hurt you.

Is she worried about disappointing you? You disapproval? Is she also lying about something really serious, like money, affairs, criminal history?. Have you talked to your son?

kipsterdude −  NTA but I would truly just never believe another word that comes out of her mouth.. “I’ll be there to volunteer.” “No thank you. We’ve got it covered.” “I’ll order the cake from the bakery.” “Actually, I’m going to try something different this year and want it to be a surprise.”

My brother lied (still lies?) all the time. I don’t believe a thing he says so I simply don’t depend on him for anything important. It’s a sad state of affairs, but the only way to make peace with it (at least for me).

Is your son oblivious to the lies, or does she only spin these tales with you? Everyone knew my brother lied so whenever he’d exaggerate something we all just rolled our eyes or gave each other a look. There was no point calling it out because everyone knew.

Snurgisdr −  “I’m busy” is a common white lie that is more polite than “I don’t want to hang out with you.” You’re meant to just accept it, not c**ep their social media to see what they’re actually doing. “They lost the order” and “they had no record of any order ever being placed” are obviously the same thing.

You sound exhausting and unpleasant, and she’s avoiding you because of it. ESH. Edit:  ESH means everyone sucks here.  I am not defending the DIL.  Stop wasting your time.

newbeginingshey −  It sounds like you wanted to treat her and depend on her like she’s family. Her behavior demonstrates that she doesn’t want to spend a lot of social time together, or contribute to family events – and she’s even willing to lie to get out of it.

So, I’d just focus on reorienting your engagement with her. Be pleasant with her for the sake of the relationship with your son, but stop trying to include her as you would a daughter, because that’s not what she wants. My sister-in-law also tells fictional stories, with unclear motivations.

We can all see that her assertions aren’t true, but she makes my brother happy. What benefit would there be to confronting her for lying? She has other virtues that we do appreciate and we focus our interactions with her on the positive.

Jaimieeeeeeeee −  The cake thing was inconsiderate and unnecessary- why say you’ll get a cake when you have no intention of doing so? But the other stuff honestly I would let go.

She clearly didn’t want to go to a family dinner that evening, so told a white lie instead of saying “I don’t want to” which, let’s face it, wouldn’t have gone down well with you. Your response to her saying she had to work was to monitor her social media, which is weird, frankly.

Accept that you’ll probably never be close with her and don’t rely on her to do any future party organising, but otherwise you should let this go. I struggle to see how this is “creating tension in the family”? If she says she has to work and can’t come to a family event, accept it?

Should she apologize to keep the peace, or does she have a right to hold her ground? What do you think? Share your thoughts below!