AITA for cancelling my son’s birthday party upon discovering that he ruined his stepbrother’s deceased brother’s hoodie?

A father canceled his son’s birthday party after discovering that the boy and his friends destroyed his stepbrother’s cherished hoodie — a keepsake from the stepbrother’s deceased brother. The son showed no remorse, claiming it would help his stepbrother “move on.” Despite backlash from his ex-wife, the father stood firm, believing his son’s actions deserved punishment. Was canceling the party too harsh, or a justified consequence? Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for cancelling my son’s birthday party upon discovering that he ruined his stepbrother’s deceased brother’s hoodie?’

I M45 have a bio son ‘Leo’, 16 from my previous relationship. I married his step mom who is a mother of two boys ‘Connor’,20 (deceased) and ‘Derek’,12. I’ve never had the pleasure to meet Connor who tragically passed away from a motorcycle accident.

Derek was so devastated by this loss and although it’s been years he’s still pretty much grieving. I’ve seen tons of pictures and videos of Connor and made efforts to get to know who he was as a way to share Derek’s grief and be there for him to lend an ear and a comforting shoulder.

It’s safe to say that Derek and I grew a strong bond in no time. But my son Leo isn’t close to Derek. Understandable because not all siblings and step siblings are the same. Leo and Derek are different in everything which isn’t a bad thing but Leo calls himself the brutally honest type and makes insensitive comments about Derek most of the time.

they tend to be under the guise of ‘Advice’. Derek never complained so I had to step in and tell Leo to stop being insensitive towards his stepbrother especially, with everything regarding Conner and his memory. Leo would say “OK I get it” and “I won’t do it again”.

Days ago, Leo wanted to hang out with friends and asked Derek if he wanted to join. Derek agreed and put on Connor’s hoodie before going out. Leo commented on the hoodie and called it ugly and asked him to put on something else but Derek insisted on wearing it or not go. Leo dropped it.

Hours later Derek came home crying with his hoodie in hand. He said Leo and friends cut it into pieces while he was in the bathroom after they convinced him to take it off. I was furious I asked Leo and he said it was his friend’s idea then said he had to do it since Derek wears it everywhere and it looked old and embarrassing.

I reminded him who this hoodie belonged to and he said “so what, maybe this will help him move on in life”. I told him his birthday was cancelled and his friends aren’t welcome anymore.

He pitched a fit saying his birthday was a right not a privilege and I can’t cancel it. He had my ex criticize my decision and wanted to host his birthday party but I refused because he’s grounded so no party anywhere.

She and her family called me awful and ridiculous and asked me to think how Leo will hate me for this but I insisted he needed punishment for putting his stepbrother through this.

Note: the hoodie belonged to Conner when he was younger and Derek kept it.

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

[Reddit User] −  Nta. That’s a cruel, cruel thing to do.. Edit: Just read the ages. At 16 your son did that a bereaved 12 year old. Perhaps seek therapy for him?

EddaValkyrie −  his birthday was a right not a privilege. That may be one of the most entitled things I’ve ever heard. He did something absolutely terrible and that hoodie can’t be replaced. I cannot believe the complete lack of empathy that he displayed with his actions—what he did to Derek was cruel.

He absolutely deserves to have his birthday celebration cancelled. NTA, and good on you for actually disciplining him even though he’s your bio son (for context, there are quite a few AITA posts where a parent will choose their bio child over their stepchild even when they’re clearly in the wrong).

irish52084 −  NTA. You’re a calmer man than me. If my 16yo son did that, I would have lost my mind. What he and his friends did was f**king horrific and they need to be shown how terrible it was. Cancelling of his birthday is a good start and some serious soul searching is also in order. Bravo to you for not allowing your ex to interject and throw him a party anyway.

prsmgc −  NTA. No offense, but your son is a huge a**hole, and a bully. Derek sounds like a good kid and didn’t deserve such a cruel thing to happen to him. If he really wants a birthday party, your ex can host it. If I were you, I’d be embarrassed and disappointed not only in Leo, but myself, wondering whatever I did wrong to raise such a careless person.

ElleBelle901 −  NTA. But your son is. And I figured that out before I even got to the hoodie part. People who call themselves “brutally honest” are just assholes who lack tact and empathy for other people.

I’d cancel his party and ground him, cut off any allowance, and limit use of his vehicle to school and work (if he has one). Leo is a bully and needs to learn that you don’t treat people like that. P.S. Get Leo in therapy ASAP so you can at least try to preempt him from growing up to be an adult bully.

cdpgreen −  NTA. Leo needs to be disciplined for this. Since Derek still has the pieces of the hoodie, could it possibly be turned into a memory bear for him? I’ve heard of people making bears and pillows out of old shirts. It would allow him to keep the hoodie. If you can do this, I’d make Leo pay for the cost.

PartyySnacks −  NTA and your ex is literally the worst. I wonder where Leo gets his awful behavior from. What Leo did was INCREDIBLY cruel, especially to do to a 12 year old. That’s something that is genuinely unforgivable, and I hope Leo knows that he will now never have a relationship with your stepson ever.

Comprehensive-Fun47 −  NTA. This is good parenting if you ask me. It is terrible that he destroyed that sweatshirt just to hurt his step brother! He has to face consequences or he will never learn. He pitched a fit saying his birthday was a right not a privilege and I can’t cancel it.. Lmao. Repeat after me. “Watch me.”

Nice-Ad1989 −  NTA. That is severely fucked up. And great parenting standing your ground. Sounds like Derek could use a guys day out.

[Reddit User] −  NTA, your son knew exactly what he was doing, this was no accident. Your son decided to be malicious and he intentionally hurt another person, and he damaged another persons property that cannot be replaced, and he disrespected Connors memory as well.

You need to talk with your ex and get on the same page, she needs to know e x a c t l y what happened, she needs to know about Connor, and she needs to know that Derek is still grieving.

Hopefully she’ll be open minded about it and realize just how bad her sons actions are – and then you both should sit down and talk to your son, and ask him why he gave himself permission to harm another human being in such a horrid manner.

Is canceling the birthday party an appropriate punishment, or should the father have handled it differently? How would you respond if your child did something so hurtful? Share your thoughts below!