AITA for cancelling a surprise trip for my wife after she followed me to her best friends home?

A Redditor planned a surprise trip to Asia for his wife, coordinating with her best friend and in-laws. However, his wife, suspecting he was cheating, tracked his movements and followed him to her friend’s house, leading to a confrontation where she accused him of infidelity. Despite his attempts to explain without spoiling the surprise, he ultimately revealed the trip’s purpose to prove his innocence.

While his wife eventually believed him, he was deeply hurt by her lack of trust and decided to cancel the trip. Now, his wife is angry, calling him a jerk for canceling, while her best friend sides with him. Read the full story below:

‘ AITA for cancelling a surprise trip for my wife after she followed me to her best fiends home?’

My wife and I have been married for 5 years, I thought our marriage was good. Recently I have been quite busy because I’ve been secretly planning a surprise trip to Asia. My wife has always wanted to go and over the years I have been saving up to take her.

It’s taken a lot of coordination with her best friend and my in-laws. Her best friend since middle school has been helping me make a trip since she has a much clearer Idea of everywhere my wife wanted to visit. My in-laws were going to watch our two kids for the trip. It was suppose to happen next year and I was going to give this as her birthday gift which was coming up this month

A few days ago, she confronted me out of the blue, saying she had “proof” I was cheating. Turns out, she’s been tracking my movements and even followed me one night when I went to her friend’s house to work on the trip details. She saw me go in, and that was enough for her to jump to the conclusion that I was having an affair. When I got back that night she throw some of my stuff out and accused me of cheating on her.

I tried explaining the situation without spoiling the surprise, but she wouldn’t let it go. Eventually, we had a huge fight, and I felt forced to reveal the truth about the trip. I told her I was planning this special getaway and had been working with her best friend to make everything perfect. Her best fiend confirmed this and I even had to show the trip info. She believed me after her mom confirmed it.

Instead of relief, I am extremely hurt. It became clear to me that she didn’t trust me at all. She started tracking my movements which is so gross and that says a lot about where we stand. I canceled the entire trip. I told her that her lack of trust made me feel like all the effort I put into it didn’t matter anymore. I didn’t want to go and pay for a trip with her after she didn’t trust me whatso ever

she’s kinda p*ssed, saying I overreacted and that canceling the trip was too extreme. She kinda apologized for accusing me ( more sorry but it’s your fault type of deal) but said she felt justified in her suspicions because of how secretive I’d been. She thinks I should have been more understanding of her feelings, but I feel like jumping straight to cheating and following me showed a serious breach of trust on her part.

I am refusing to rebook the trip and she is now calling me a jerk. Her best friend is on my side and is also p*ssed she jumped to cheating. She is also married which add insult to injury here.

Edit; for people asking, it was easier for both of us to just met up. My message are connected to the iPad that she uses often and calls wouldn’t work because of the time when her best friend was free. I would have to hide in the hosue or even leave so she wouldn’t overhear the conversation.

See what others had to share with OP:

Either-Youth9618 −  So you behaved in a new and secretive way, had clandestine meetings with another woman, hid information, and are now upset that your wife assumed something was going on? An affair is a very logical conclusion for your wife to reach.

What would you have thought if the roles were reversed? Also, why did planning a trip involve so much help from her best friend? I don’t think it’s bad that you asked the friend, I’m just curious as to why multiple meetings were needed.

Kaynico −  ESH. Your behavior probably changed suddenly and significantly when you started planning things (staying out late, concealing you location, etc.)  That would set off warning bells for a lot of people, regardless of gender. You’re overreacting by completely canceling instead of using the vacation time to try to drill down into your relationship, kids free, and identify and address the underlying insecurities that caused the warning bells to escalate so far.

And going into the *wife’s bf’s* house, when there isnt any friendship or other platonic relationship beforehand would make any reasonable person question a s**ual involvement.  (How would you feel if you found out your wife was going to your bf’s house without your knowledge and with no other context.)

She definitely needs to apologize more sincerely for her reaction, and needs to share more with you about *why* she is feeling so insecure and distrustful. You can’t have a stable house on a broken foundation, eventually the walls will crumble.

Even if it’s too late to rebook the trip to Asia, ask the in-laws if they can still keep the kiddos for that time so that you and your wife can have some time together to get to the root of things and reconnect.  Otherwise, the hurt and pain on both ends will just continue to fester until someone breaks.

ldnk −  You aren’t the a**hole for trying to plan an awesome surprise trip…however think about the scenario. You start taking off and spending time with her friend. Is this new behaviour? Do you spend time like this a lot with other women? I’d be suspicious too if my wife started hanging around my best friend without telling me.

You aren’t the a**hole for cancelling the trip. At this point your marriage is on shaky ground. Your wife doesn’t trust you. You feel betrayed. A big trip is absolutely the wrong thing for you at this time.
I think this an an ESH scenario where the intention was great but the execution flawed.

Small_Category_125 −  YTA – this is the problem with “surprises” like this. When your partner is keeping secrets and LYING to you, you don’t know the reason why. It takes time to trust yourself and realize there’s something going on.

Like it or not, people cheat and so often the partner thinks “I had no idea, I thought we had a loving marriage.”

When my bf has a surprise for me, he lets me know, “I’m planning something for X days, so take the time off.” It’s courteous to your partner to let them know they’re going on a trip but the rest of the trip can STILL be a surprise!

Your wife’s reaction was pretty normal to find her husband sneaking out to her best friend’s house. By the time she confronted you, she was already extremely hurt and distraught over the evidence that you were sneaking around.

You both should be working to repair the relationship and then it can be something you both laugh about later. Canceling the trip is punishing your wife for having a reaction about her partner lying to her, which is a pretty normal reaction. You not being able to see her POV is immature and unkind.

Popular-Block-5790 −  Recently I have been quite busy because I’ve been secretly planning a surprise trip to Asia.

You’re busy because you’re doing something secretly (your wife doesn’t know what only sees your actions you show her – being busy and secretive).
It’s taken a lot of coordination with her best friend and my in-laws. Her best friend since middle school has been helping me make a trip since she has a much clearer Idea of everywhere my wife wanted to visit.

So you probably spend more time planning this with her best friend then with her parents (so she sees you’re busy and secretive and now gets worried and finds out you spend most of the time with her best friend).

Turns out, she’s been tracking my movements and even followed me one night when I went to her friend’s house to work on the trip details. She saw me go in, and that was enough for her to jump to the conclusion that I was having an affair. So she saw you being secretive and busy and got worried. Found out you spend most time with her best friend and then she see you walking into her house at night.

Why are you acting this is all it took. Your intentions may be good but all she saw is you spending your time with her best friend, in secret, while telling her you’re busy and then she sees you walking into her house AT NIGHT. What did you tell her where you were going? Like I’m so confused how you are surprised how she thought this.. ESH

SpeckledEggs −  ESH. My husband sneaking around with my best friend??? I would lose it too. Your explanation doesn’t make sense either – you are a grown up in the Internet age with all the possible travel planning resources at your fingertips. Why on earth do you need to spend multiple trips with her best friend to plan trip?? You could have called or emailed her best friend for info. Don’t be sneaking around if you don’t want to look suspicious. Next time plan the trip with your wife – it’s fun to plan things together.

pomegranate7777 −  NTA. You are not the one who overreacted here. And since she clearly doesn’t trust you, why would she want to go on a trip with you out of the country?

clarifythepulse −  Are you kidding? YTA hands down. You obviously just put your wife through the wringer. She thought you were sneaking around, keeping secrets, and having clandestine meetings with another woman **because you were.** She made a reasonable assumption based on the evidence and was probably devastated.

The fact that you’re trying to turn your behavior around on her and claim that *she* breached *your* trust is appalling. I’m not saying that you breached her trust necessarily, only that she was reacting completely reasonably to the information she had.

You two might not be in a good place to go on a trip right now, but since it’s “next year” you have time to work on that before the final cancellation deadlines, presumably. If you cancel now, you will have put your wife through this essentially for nothing.

No_Question8683 −  I mean, you were showing all the signs of someone cheating. She had no idea what you were up to. I get it was a surprise, but you could have set up the secret meetings better. Like just meeting at the in-laws or something. She had every right to be pissed off, and now you are just being hateful. Because she had no idea what was going on. You are an ass hole whether you started out that way or not. You ended up being an ass hole.

astoldbybeja −  Unfortunately, she was justified. At the end of the day, you were being intentionally secretive and unless her bestie is an actual travel agent, you didn’t need to consult with her about the trip at all.
This is a trip for your wife, someone that you should know like the back of your hand yet you’re relying on her bestie for every single detail? Sounds very sus and it sounds like you have not been a good husband hence the trip planning.

I think it’s best that you did cancel (not for YOUR reasons) but because it’s clear that you need to actually learn your wife for yourself instead of inconveniencing others like her best friend and mother.
Others on this thread may of found your plans to be endearing and wholesome but I don’t OP, I find you to be quite trifling.

It’s clear that you don’t do things like this, having to rely so heavy on her best friend for planning that you’re making multiple visits to her home? You sound neglectful as f*ck OP.

I do think YTA full stop, no ESH about it. Yo clearly haven’t developed a pattern of thoughtful surprises and acts of kindness and service throughout your marriage (that’s also a problem), idk how you thought she’d reach a conclusion that you’d suddenly do it now.

Which brings me to my final thought, idk what the result of this will be for your marriage but I think your wife deserves a hell of a lot better than a spouse that needs this much help and reliance to know what she likes and what will make her happy. YTA.