AITA for canceling trip with BF when his Ex Wife decided to Join?

A Reddit user, 33F, has been in a relationship with her boyfriend, 40M, for five years. While their relationship has been loving and supportive, the dynamic with his ex-wife, Susie, has become increasingly uncomfortable for her. Susie has begun showing up uninvited, calling frequently, and even inviting herself on a vacation the user and her boyfriend had planned for their daughters.

When Susie tried to join the trip, claiming it was a “once in a lifetime experience,” the user canceled the vacation, feeling it was inappropriate. Now, she’s wondering if her feelings are valid. Read the full story below to see what others think.

‘ AITA for canceling trip with BF when his Ex Wife decided to Join?’

I’ll try to keep this as concise as possible. I, 33F, have been with my BF, 40M, for 5 years. We both have daughters from previous relationships- when my daughter is with her Dad, I stay with my BF as he has his daughter 90% of the time. We don’t reside together but have a loving, supportive and easy relationship.

My BF and his ex wife, we will call her Susie have a very positive and friendly relationship. For the first 4+years of our relationship, I admired and respected their coparenting arrangement. It took some getting used to for me as she would walk into house unannounced and unexpected, make herself comfortable, often with friends in tow to spend the day by the pool or hang out on the deck.

My BF who is very non confrontational, set no boundaries as it allowed him to parent his daughter consistently. Susie has not demonstrated a great interest in the day to day parenting role so he likes to keep the peace so his daughter has the stability she needs.

The issue began 6 months ago (when her long term relationship ended) suddenly her presence has increased significantly. She will invite herself for supper and along on activities we’ve planned with the girls, she will call BF numerous times a day, unrelated to their daughter. He won’t answer when we are together but it’s still aggravating because she’ll then call their daughter to get his attention.

I’ve stayed in my lane until she invited herself along on a holiday we planned for our girls, claiming it’s a once in a lifetime experience. It’s not, it’s Disney and she took her daughter there 2 years ago when she was still with her partner.

I told my BF that he needs to tell Susie that she’s not coming and he is uncomfortable about “rocking the boat” and her seeking more time with their daughter as he doesn’t feel she is stable enough to provide consistency or stability. He’s probably not wrong but I am not interested in spending my vacation with his ex wife so told him to pick. AITA or are my feelings valid?

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

CrewelSummer −  NTA
He’s made it clear that he is completely unwilling to set boundaries with his ex, either now or in the future, and it sounds like his ex has picked up on that. Now your daughter’s holiday is going to be impacted by his unwillingness to set boundaries.

This will continue to happen until you end things with him because as he’s made clear, he’s not interested in setting boundaries with his ex. So that’s never going to happen. Is this a relationship you want to continue? One with a man who cares more about his ex’s negative emotions than your own?

One where you can never progress or move in together because otherwise your daughter will pay the price for his lack of boundaries more than she already is? One where you are in second place behind his ex? One where you are dating an invertebrate?

Original-Winter9334 −  So he is basically letting her have own way on everything, even dictating your life, just for fear that she might lash out if he dared to disagree with her on anything. And this is how you are going to live the rest of your life, dependent on her whims?

Sounds like she knows exactly what she’s doing – and why would she change anything or slightly inconvenience herself at all, when she is living hr best life, at your expense? She needs to be told! And he needs to get a proper care plan in place through the courts. Stop being a doormat and set your on boundaries, until your bf can also do the same. NTA.

Kami_Sang −  NTA – your BF is a low fence. An ex can’t invite themselves on your vacation. You don’t provide her with a once in a lifetime experience. Honestly, OP why stay with your BF – he’s spineless.

QL58 −  Until he knows what boat he wants, paddle your own. NTA Your feelings are valid.

Angry-Moth-Noises −  NTA: Your BF is spineless. His lack of setting boundaries is not a good lesson to pass to his child. I get that he doesn’t want to cause problems for the sake of his kid, but avoiding them will make them snow ball into a bigger problem.

And its already starting to do that. Susie will keep pushing. Your BF is allowed to have quality time with his kid with out his ex asserting her self into it every time. The ultimatum might be the push he needs. The ex is running your relationship. Not him or you.

Dizzy_Signature_2145 −  Sounds like he is still married. You’re just a friend. Maybe you need to discuss where you see your relationship going with him. I would make him choose you or her. Rethink the Disney trip. Could be a wonderful mom and daughter trip.

analyst19 −  NTA. You have a boyfriend problem. If he’s unwilling to set boundaries, then he wants to get back with his ex and you need d**p him.

ASpoonfullOfSass −  NTA. You have to set the line somewhere because he obviously won’t. However, be aware that he may not be willing to stand on that line with you.

I have to ask though.You describe the relationship as “easy.” Is it truly easy, or are you avoiding confrontation about a situation that you know you won’t get him to budge on? You also mention him as non-confrontational. I just worry after reading this if things are truly easy breezy. Just a question/thought from a stranger who has NO info on your relationship beyond the snapshot of this post.

I definitely respect that he wants to keep his child’s life consistent and maximize his time with her. I do. And I don’t think that coparents that are able/willing/wanting to spend time together is wonderful.

But also, this isn’t modeling healthy boundaries for the kiddo either. She has to learn to set boundaries from somewhere. And where does the ex’s presence stop? If you were to move in together? Buy a house together? When does it stop?

DesperateLobster69 −  NTA but he’s not suddenly going to grow a spine or put you first so why are you wasting your time??? Either you set boundaries together & stick to them or you keep getting in the way of their family while not one person cares how you feel, not even you.

RoswellRedux −  NTA. Whether you know it or not, you are in a threesome. I don’t think he can pick as he seems pretty unwilling to set any boundaries at all. Live with it, or leave. He’s not going to make a permanent choice.