AITA for canceling Christmas with my in-laws?
A woman and her husband have been dealing with his mother and brother’s ongoing lack of consideration and financial mooching, which has escalated over the years.
From not repaying costs for an expensive football game to ignoring her efforts at Thanksgiving, their behavior has left her feeling used and disrespected. With her husband’s support, she’s considering canceling Christmas with them entirely. read the original story below…
‘ AITA for canceling Christmas with my in-laws ?’
My husband is amazing and everything about him makes me incredibly happy. Except his mother and brother. They have always treated him poorly and less than and that really has always pissed me off. My husband is a hard worker and we’ve built a wonderful life for ourselves. Bought a house. Have great jobs.
Ect. Whilst his brother (30) still lives with his mother and has 0 desire to build a life for himself. Here lately I’ve notice how much they actually mooch off us. It started small and now has escalated and I can’t handle it anymore. Here’s a couple of examples.
So for MY birthday and his bothers (our birthdays are two days apart) we decided to go to an Alabama football game. We informed his bother that we would front the tickets , parking and gas as part of his gift. However, we paid for almost everything.
We paid for breakfast, lunch, and beers at the game with full intention that he would pay us back. When we bought him a beer he never mentioned paying us back and then he got up to go to the concession stand and he grabbed two beers and I fully thought he grabbed my husband a beer as well to repay him for the beer we had bought him.
But when my husband asked if the beer was for him he said no, and then just sat down.. that made me super super upset because the lack of self-awareness really grinds my gears. He never paid us back for any of the stuff that we paid for and just acted like we almost owed it to him.. the tickets were $1300.
Then we decided to do a Thanksgiving at our house and I said that I would cook all of the food and that they could just come over and bring alcohol.. they went through a drive-through right before coming over to our house knowing that we cooked a full meal. It isn’t like my cooking is bad.
They like it when they’ve eaten it. I just thought it was super inconsiderate considering I spent so much money on food and so much time cooking it. They didn’t even bring their alcohol and expected us to provide it for them.
I know his mother struggles financially but his brother has a job and can FULLY support himself since he has little to no bills. These are just two examples of what I’ve dealt with for 4 years and i feel like ever since my husband dropped how much he got paid (his brother asked) they’ve really amped up taking advantage of it.
We are very well off and they assume we will just front everything. I officially have 0 desire to be around them and have thought about canceling Christmas with them all together this year. Am I the ass hole for not wanting to be around them? My husband is also on my side with this and understands my anger.
Here’s what Redditors had to say:
Ok-Position7403 − NTA at all but you and your husband need to be on the same page of how to handle before you proceed. Things you need to plan/decide: If you usually host Christmas, are you going to do it this year but with boundaries, or are you going to not invite them?
If the former, agree on those boundaries down to the last detail! Are y’all helping his mother financially and are you willing to continue? Or will you be looking for ways that benefit her and not him? Or none of the above? I’ve been through this and it can be exhausting.
And while your husband is with you on this, remember this IS his mother so it may be tougher/more emotional for him. But the main thing you can do is both of you really really talk through all the scenarios that come up or may come up and be on the same page as much as possible.
Since it’s his mother I’d defer to him for the most part when you don’t agree, barring anything outrageous. Good luck. This is never fun and hard to stick to your guns sometimes, but if you’re together, and consistent, you WILL see the reward from this after they finally figure out you’re serious.
AgitatedDot9313 − You are NTA for being taken advantage of in this situation or for wanting to distance yourself in the relationship. But if you are going to continue having any sort of relationship with these people, you need to talk to them and set ground rules, rather than just passive aggressively cancelling events.
Worth-Season3645 − NTA….You are not TA for not wanting to be around them, but you are for letting them take advantage of you. Game…you told him what you would pay for. He clearly could buy himself his own beer. You did not need to pay for his breakfast, lunch or anything else at said game.
Did you tell him he was to pay you back? Did you ask? NO is a complete sentence. They can ask, and you can say no. Decide on your boundaries, set them and stick with them. Like I tell my husband re: his mother, “You cannot change people, but you can change how you react to said people”.
CandylandCanada − ESH You teach people how to treat you. No sense in you getting angry over the football incident, THEN hosting Thanksgiving.
Stop seething, make changes. Don’t host, or host but don’t invite them. Don’t give gifts to them for any occasion.
If they have the nerve to ask about it, say that you are still waiting to be paid back for earlier events. Cancel Christmas; tell them why. This system is working for them, so don’t be foolish enough to expect them to change. Either you change, or nothing will change.
Daisyyblush − NTA. Setting boundaries with people who repeatedly take advantage of your kindness is healthy, and if your husband supports you, prioritizing your peace over a draining Christmas is entirely fair.
Electrical_Whole1830 − Stop the gravy train. You are enablers. The minute he grabbed 2 beers for himself and none for anyone else should have cemented that you are no longer going to be his ATM. They both are jackassy rude – eating at a drive thru before Thanksgiving? Who does that?
Spending $650 on his share of the birthday gift? What did they get you? If his mom is struggling financially, her overgrown, live-in toddler can chip in. If he cuts you off, it is addition by subtraction.
Archie3874 − Tell them you’re not doing Christmas and ask them to do it at their house. Tell them you’ll bring the dessert. Then wait and see what they say. You could also tell them you’re taking a mini vacation for Christmas and do something just for your immediate family like Husband and your Kids if you have any. Also for the future just don’t give them anything because they’re ungrateful anyway.
shout-out-1234 − NTA – I would suggest finding a different plan for Christmas. Mom, we won’t be around for Christmas this year because OP and I have decided to do a romantic getaway for Christmas. Then find somewhere to go.
That way you are not cancelling because they mooch, you are cancelling because you decided to go out of town on a couples getaway. For every holiday, you and hubby need to find somewhere else to go. And then politely, slightly apologetically, say, Sorry, but we will be away.
Eventually his mom and brother will call you both out on leaving them behind. You and hubby need to be prepared for that with answer, such as, Op and I are married and we want to go on some romantic getaways before we settle down to have kids. Mom, you and brother need to figure out your own traditions.
Do NOT EVER count on them for bringing anything. They are takers. They know you make more money than them and they feel ENTITLED to your money.
Eventually the relationship between you/hubby and them is going to explode.
They will get very upset at you not spending your money on them and they will b**ly, guilt, shame, etc you to spend your money on them. You and hubby need to prepare for this because either you are going to go your own way or you are going to give in. There is no ,idle ground because they are takers.
They don’t give, they take. Respectful, caring, supportive people give and take. They don’t give. They take because they feel entitled to the fruits of someone else’s hard work. Your MIL ruined your BIL. She raised him to be dependent on others. She wants him to be her permanent little boy. He isn’t fixable because she enables him.
PhilosophicalWarPig − NTA. OP, they are being very disrespectful to you and your husband. Given their lack of appreciation (eating drive thru before dinner, WTH?) I think it’s fair to not have Christmas with them. Given your husband is on board with your decision, 100% NTA.
RoyallyOakie − NTA…People like this only learn the hard way. If your husband is on the same page, you have nothing stopping you. Have a Merry Christmas.
Balancing family obligations with self-respect can be tough, especially when generosity is taken for granted. Do you think canceling Christmas is the best approach, or should there be a conversation to address the issue first? Share your thoughts below!