AITA for canceling a weekend plans after I was told to mentor a boy?
A Reddit user shares a conflict regarding his custody arrangement with his ex, “Karla,” and her husband, “Chris.” The user is co-parenting his 8-year-old son Ashton with Karla, and they have a custody agreement that requires them to offer each other the chance to care for their son when the other is unavailable.
Recently, Karla had to leave town for a family emergency and planned for Chris to take Ashton on a four-day water park trip. The user was upset because he wasn’t informed, as per their agreement, and was given the option to take Ashton for the weekend.
During the conversation, Chris jokingly suggested the user “become a Big Brother” so that Chris could spend more time with Ashton, which angered the user further. He canceled the water park trip and took his son instead, although he feels a bit guilty for disappointing Chris.
‘ AITA for canceling a weekend plans after I was told to mentor a boy?’
I had a very brief relationship with a woman named “Karla” that resulted in the birth of my now 8yo son Ashton. I’m gay and had never been with a woman. In fact I had never even kissed one until I met Karla.
She had just gotten a divorce from her husband “Chris” because he wanted kids and she didn’t. My relationship with Karla didn’t last and confirmed that I’m definitely gay. We were both shocked that she got pregnant though.
Anyways, we agreed to coparent and signed a custody agreement that pretty much splits custody. Also, there is a first right of refusal in that agreement. Karla and Chris reconciled and remarried when Ashton was 4.
Personally I like Chris. He is very good to my son. My son hugs and kisses him just as much as he does me. Chris doesn’t turn down any chance to spend time with Ashton.
I don’t have to worry about Ashton if Chris is there because he’ll get him where he needs to get, bath him, feed him and he has endless patience. I really like that my son has these hands on male caretakers.
Karla was scheduled to have Ashton from Thursday to Sunday of this week. She mentioned that her cousin was in hospice and she was flying to another state to be with her.
I said you can’t take Ashton out of state without my written consent. She said she wasn’t taking him. Chris was going to watch him. I told her that this was news to me.
We agreed that if either of us is unavailable then the other parent needed to be notified and given the option to pick up more custody time. I’m obviously not going to turn down more time with my kid.
She said that Chris had planned a four day vacation to a water park. I said I don’t care. She said “you know what. Talk to him then. I got enough on my plate right now.”
So I did and Chris said he didn’t see the big deal and joked there wasn’t enough Ashton to go around. He then seriously suggested that I become a Big Brother so that he could spend more time with Ashton.
I told him he got me fucked up and now I’m canceling this water park trip. He told me he was joking but he wasn’t. He asked me to go parent another kid so he can parent mine. I was taken aback by it.
So Ashton is with me and I feel bad for Chris. I really do. But between that comment and not going through me when Karla was going out of town just angered me. I feel like I’ve been too nice.
Edit: My son does not know about the water park. It was going to be a surprise. And to be honest, this boy has been to several amusement parks this summer so it wouldn’t be new to him.
Edit: If Karla and Chris had ran it by me then 85% chance I would had said yes. Edit: Chris did apply to Big Brothers twice. He was rejected once for not being Jewish (it was Jewish Big Brothers) and the other time was for several reasons. He wanted a little one when they only had teens, etc.
Edit: Chris doesn’t care that I’m gay. He loves my son who has gay genes in him. Edit: Karla said that being pregnant was the worst experience of her life and nothing like what you see on TV.
So she got her tunes tied befors remarrying. Edit: As to why I’m being s**fish – Ashton has already taken two vacations with his mom and Chris. They spent two weeks in Greece in June and took a week-long cruise in Cabo last month.
We’re in our 8th week of summer and they’ve had him for six of those weeks. I have been very accommodating. Now I’m expected to give up more of my time?
Update: So Chris did reach out to apologize and I accepted last night. He said he loves Ashton more than anything. In fact he probably wouldn’t be with Karla if Ashton wasn’t in the picture.
He then asked if he could have Ashton overnight because he was going to take this other kid to Skyzone and thought Ashton would like to join. I agreed. Edit: Karla only remarried Chris because he has a trust fund. He gets $10,000 a month.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Ornery-Octopus − He then seriously suggested that I become a Big Brother so that he could spend more time with Ashton. Oh, f**k no. Lawyer time. These people are about to start phasing you out.
squirrelsareevil2479 − NTA. You have been too nice. Chris has gotten too comfortable with Ashton. It’s great he’s so willing to spend time with Ashton and loves him but he needs a reminder that you are Ashton’s father.
That remark about becoming a Big Brother was no joke, he wants to cut you out of Ashton’s life and be the only father. When Karla comes back, you need to have a sit down and go over the custody agreement to remind her that you have the right of refusal.
She may not be aware of Chris overstepping so much. Get it clarified now that you are and will be the Ashton’s father forever.
KweeNeeBee − NTA. Ashton is the child Karla wouldn’t have with Chris. I’m guessing it was a big reason he got back together with her. That was his mistake, but Ashton is your son, not his.
Like you said, it’s wonderful that Ashton has such a hands-on stepfather, and I feel bad that Chris will never have a child of his own as long as he’s with Carla. He’s the one who should mentor fatherless kids to fill his void.
axley58678 − NTA. Custody agreements exist for a reason and first right exists for this exact reason.
It would help to put your foot down now and have a talk about it, with your Ex, NOT her husband.
The agreement is between you two. This type of thing does get hard and it can be easy for it to turn into one parent “planning fun things” and the other parent “constantly trying to make the kid sad by cancelling”. Make sure however you go about this doesn’t effect your son.
HelloAll-GoodbyeAll − I’m wondering if Chris is infertile and this was all a convoluted plan to have a baby.
enjoyingtheposts − NTA. I’m assuming Chris saw a workaround to what he wanted with the woman he wanted and jumped on the opportunity when the chance was given. It sounds like he is trying to become your kids primary father and push you out.
After karla is done with her stuff I would have a serious discussion with her (alone) about this and how you and her move forward in this arrangement. If she isnt perceptive I would go back to your lawyer. I would also wait a week or two since she might be grieving.
Sorry_I_Guess − NTA at all. In fact, given all of the context you’ve shared about how much you genuinely like Chris and how great the coparenting relationship has generally been, his thoughtless approach to this whole situation and downright hateful comments to you about “becom\[ing\] a Big Brother” (and what a disgusting implication that was, that just spending time with any child at all was somehow commensurate with parenting your own child, as if you were a random adult “spending time with” Ashton and not HIS DAD) . . . this whole thing was not only obnoxious of him, but ridiculously unnecessary.
Because, given that your relationship with all parties has been friendly and mutually supportive up until now, it seems as though perhaps if Chris or your ex-wife had approached you in advance and said, “Hey, she’s got to be away for four days and Chris would love to take Ashton on a little mini-vacation, would that be okay with you?” that you might have agreed to it. But that’s the point: they owed you the respect and acknowledgement, as his dad, and according to the custody agreement, of ASKING, not TELLING.
They don’t get to make plans during time that is legally yours, and then inform you of them as though it’s a fait accompli. And when you point out how inappropriate their actions are, they definitely don’t get to be so hateful as to suggest that you go find a random child to hang out with (what?!) in place of your own son. Of course you’re NTA. They owe you an apology, both for the way they went about this, and for the unbelievably rude comment.
sallyblue94 − Nta. I think you should take the “he asked me to go parent another kid so he can parent mine” comment seriously. I have a feeling Chris wants to adopt Ashton as his own and I think that’s why he suggested the big brother thing. You really should find a lawyer to protect yourself and your parental rights.
apatheticsahm − NTA
If you don’t have a lawyer, get one now. They are trying to alienate you from your son.
demon803 − NTA, you had a custody agreement, both of them went behind your back. I only hope you planned something special to make up for the vacation your son missed out on through no fault of his own.
Do you think the user is right for enforcing the custody agreement and keeping his son, or should he have allowed Chris to take Ashton to the water park? How should boundaries be set in co-parenting relationships when new partners are involved? Share your thoughts!
