AITA for calling therapy a waste of time and saying we should stop going because it’s not going to help us?

A Redditor, a 16-year-old girl, shared her experience in family therapy with her twin brother, their mother, and her mother’s husband. The therapy sessions have primarily focused on the mother’s desire for her children to change their last names to that of her husband and allow him to adopt them, a request they’ve been making for three years.

The user expressed frustration over their mom’s manipulative tactics—using guilt and bribery to push the name change—and the adults’ refusal to engage meaningfully in therapy. After feeling unheard and repeatedly asked to leave the room, she declared therapy a waste of time, stating she would never accept her mother’s husband’s name and no longer considers him significant in her life.

This outburst led to her mother’s anger, especially regarding her daughter asserting the decision to end therapy. read the original story below…

‘ AITA for calling therapy a waste of time and saying we should stop going because it’s not going to help us?’

Me (16f), my twin brother (16m), my mom and my mom’s husband are in family therapy together. The therapist isn’t bad. I talked to her alone twice before we did sessions with all of us in one room. But the reason we’re in therapy and the way my mom especially is behaving, I just know it’s a waste of time.

My mom and her husband want me and my brother to change our last name to her husband’s name and her name now. They are also hoping we’ll let him adopt us. BUT the core focus is our name. They asked us 3 years ago when they first got married and they tried to use guilt and bribery to make it happen.

Guilt was mom saying we weren’t really happy for her and if we were we’d accept having the same family name and let her move on from dad after being his widow for 7 years. Bribery was that her husband would pay for college, weddings and a down payment on a house when we’re 25 on top of getting a new car each instead of old cars.

Now the focus is on the fact my mom and him have a kid together and mom is pregnant again. She said we should want the same name as our half siblings and we should want to be more easily identified as a family and we should want to confuse our younger siblings way less.

This has been the thing they have focused on in therapy and they refuse to answer questions the therapist asks them. They talk over her. My brother and I were asked to leave the room 7 times in 2.5 months of appointments because the therapist needed to speak to the adults alone.

The second last time we went she started saying therapy with her should end because they won’t listen to her and do not want her to lead the sessions but my mom and her husband were quick to backtrack and apologize. But they brought the same stuff up last time.

And last time is when I said therapy is a waste of time and we should stop going because it’s not going to help us. I told the therapist I will not change my mind. I do not want to change my name. I do not want the “family” name. I do not consider my mom’s husband my father or even an important person in my life.

I said I think my mom has changed a lot since she got married and I don’t feel like she’s as good of a mom as she used to be. I said I will never accept having another man’s name and that he’s no different than any other random dude off the street.

I said having younger half siblings changes nothing for me because we will never have the same dad and we will always be a part of different families. I told them I would not work on making that a goal or try to compromise. So no adding his name to mine, etc.

And I said the adults won’t stop repeating themselves and talking over her (therapist) so I’m tired of us all wasting our time. My mom was so mad at me after therapy because her husband looked offended that I had said all that about him. But she was also mad that I thought I could end therapy when I’m “just a kid”.. AITA?

Lets dive into the reactions from Reddit:

Comfortable-Sea-2454 −  NTA. And last time is when I said therapy is a waste of time and we should stop going because it’s not going to help us. I told the therapist I will not change my mind. I do not want to change my name. I do not want the “family” name.

I do not consider my mom’s husband my father or even an important person in my life. **I said I think my mom has changed a lot since she got married and I don’t feel like she’s as good of a mom as she used to be. I said I will never accept having another man’s name and that he’s no different than any other random dude off the street.

I said having younger half siblings changes nothing for me because we will never have the same dad and we will always be a part of different families. I told them I would not work on making that a goal or try to compromise.** So no adding his name to mine, etc. And I said the adults won’t stop repeating themselves and talking over her (therapist) so I’m tired of us all wasting our time.

I hope your mom hears what you are saying, but it doesn’t sound like it!! I am sorry OP, your mom and SD are acting like “the koolaid” and wanting you and your twin to drink deeply and just be willing “to go with the flow”!!! Does your brother feel the same as you?

My mom was so mad at me after therapy because her husband looked offended that I had said all that about him. But she was also mad that I thought I could end therapy when I’m “just a kid”. A kid that is making more sense than the “adults” in the conversation.

East_Parking8340 −  It’s not as if you never knew your father and the name means nothing to you. He was your father and he loved you. He is part of your identity.
I find it extraordinary that parents who remarry cannot / will not accept that their children can actually think for themselves.

They think because they have moved on the children should too. They forget that’s there is a fundamental difference between an adult remarrying and a child (no matter how old) losing their parent.

They forget that *they* are the ones that fell in love, that *they* are the ones who chose to remarry and that *they* are the ones who gave their children no choice in the matter. They cannot understand that your father will **always** be your father and no amount of brow beating will change that.

Your mother seems to be more focused on what other people will think when presented with this blended family than how her children actually feel. It’s all about her and her new husband – frankly if he’s that perturbed that you have a different surname I don’t hold out much hope for him being a great stepfather as there a far more important things to spend time, money and emotion on.

I would ask her that if you were 21 instead of 16 would she still try to get you to change your name.. NTA

DragonCelica −  NTA *at all.* Therapy isn’t a tool to bludgeon those with a different stance into compliance. Your mom and her husband refuse to listen, forcing you to vehemently speak your mind. Given how close you are to adulthood, I’d be wary of them escalating out of desperation.

plantprinses −  No, you’re not ‘just a kid’. You’re more the adult that your mum and stepdad are. As it is, your parents are simply using therapy to get their way, that’s all. That is not how therapy works. You have every right not to want to change your name and your mother should respect that.

She doesn’t, because she wants you all to fit into her idea of the perfect blended family. Did you know that 70% of blended families fail? And that children have almost nothing to gain by being part of one?

Stand your ground on this, because if you don’t, it will become the thin end of the wedge of roping you into childcare because ‘you’re family’. Also, if you do continue therapy, just be honest. Make as much use of therapy for yourself if you can. That’s what therapy is for.

DesertSong-LaLa −  NTA – Therapy is where you speak the truth. You have never changed your position re: your last name. Keep it. It is so very odd and m**ipulative to live through being bribed and scolded re: the name instead of them LISTENING to and VALUING your perspective.—-Your Name that was given at birth—it is ‘you’!

I’m proud of you articulating what you will and will not do. Your mom and her husband simply wants what they want even when the two older kids do not. You are almost 18. Start exploring life options. This family dynamic will be your ‘home’ for a short time compared to the rest of your life (age 18+). It’s a big world; dream and thrive.

Tangerine_Bouquet −  You’re definitely NTA here, and you’re right. It doesn’t sound like it’s at all because of the therapist either. Your mom and her husband (I edited from “your parents” because you are clear that they are not) have an outcome they want that is not even about the relationships.

They’re trying to use therapy to force you to do this (change your name), and aren’t actually participating in what therapy is for, particularly understanding the other people.
Having the same name would never change the underlying relationships, and them trying to force it is destroying what could have been there.

If they decide to withhold money because of this, work yourself, save your money (ideally, if an adult name is needed on an account, find another adult who can help you), and cut contact as soon as you can.

You may also tell them in therapy that that is what their behavior will lead to. I hope you and your twin together have a strong bond to support each other. I’m sorry your mom and her husband are behaving so badly.

Apart-Ad-6518 −  NTA 100%. But the reason we’re in therapy and the way my mom especially is behaving, I just know it’s a waste of time. My mom and her husband want me and my brother to change our last name to her husband’s name and her name now. They are also hoping we’ll let him adopt us.

BUT the core focus is our name. They asked us 3 years ago when they first got married and they tried to use *guilt and bribery* to make it happen. Guilt was mom saying we weren’t really happy for her and if we were we’d *accept having the same family name* and let her move on from dad after being his widow for 7 years.

You’ve every right to want to keep your Dad’s name. Your mom and her husband need to back off. It isn’t ok to use bribery re cars, college & downpayments to try & coerce you either. I told the therapist I will not change my mind. I do not want to change my name. I do not want the “family” name.

That’s ok too. You’re very clear & it sounds like the therapist will totally get that. Stand your ground as this so important to you.. All the very best.

Soon_trvl4evr −  NTA Ask both of the adults if they died would they want to be erased from their children’s lives like they are trying to do to your dad? Adoption changes the birth certificate for the new mom and/or dad.

Or maybe have your therapist ask the question if it will cause less problems for you. Good luck and less than two years before this is a moot point.

fly1away −  It sounds like the therapist could be a potential ally. I wonder if you could get solo sessions with her. Could help you deal with the situation at home.

bloomerhen −  NTA, but use the therapy sessions because the therapist sounds like she’s trying to make your mum listen to you and you should point out to your mum that she’s so blind about this name topic that she’s not even listening to a trained professional.

Ask the trained professional in front of mum if it is normal human behaviour for a kid with a dead dad to want to keep his surname as part of your identity and to remember him. Ask if it is unhealthy. Your mum needs to listen to the answers.

Then ask the trained professional if it’s healthy and normal for your mum to try to force you into changing the name you were born with to fit her new ideology of what her perfect family should be, when it’s not your ideology.

Finish by telling your mum that unless she wants to use the therapist to help her change and get over her own ideas of what a perfect blended family should look like or be named, she’s still wasting her money and she’s going to drive a wedge between the family that will last the rest of her life.