AITA for Calling Off the Wedding After My Fiancé Gave His Ex “Closure” Without Telling Me?

A Reddit user finds herself grappling with a significant breach of trust after her fiancé, Tom, sought “closure” with his ex, Sara, without informing her. Despite having been together for three years and planning a wedding, Tom’s decision to meet up with his ex and the subsequent defensive reaction when confronted leave her feeling betrayed.

The situation escalates when Tom suggests inviting Sara to their wedding as a sign of goodwill, prompting the Redditor to call off the wedding altogether. Now faced with mixed opinions from family and friends, she questions whether her response is justified or if she is being unreasonable.

‘ AITA for Calling Off the Wedding After My Fiancé Gave His Ex “Closure” Without Telling Me?’

I (28F) have been with my fiancé, Tom (30M), for three years. He and his ex, Sara, were together for six years before we met, and she’s been a shadow hanging over us the entire time. At first, I understood…they shared a lot of history, and breakups can be tough. But we’re supposed to be each other’s future now. We’re planning our wedding, building a life, and I thought he was done with the past.

A month ago, Tom got a random message from Sara asking for “closure.” He didn’t tell me about it, and instead of ignoring it or at least discussing it with me, he responded and met up with her. I found out when I saw a message on his phone that said, “Thanks for last night.” My heart dropped. When I confronted him, he swore nothing physical happened, saying he stayed over until early morning just “talking.”

I didn’t believe him, and what’s worse, he got defensive, calling me “insecure” for feeling betrayed. He says Sara “deserved closure” and that I should “understand” since he’s with me now. The more we talked, the more I realized he doesn’t think he did anything wrong.

I tried to explain how hurtful it was that he hid this, especially when he didn’t need to, but he made me feel like I was the problem for being “jealous of a friendship.”

But here’s the kicker…Tom then had the audacity to tell me that this “needed to happen” so he could truly move on. He even suggested Sara should come to the wedding “as a friend” to “show everyone there’s no bad blood.” I was stunned. How could he think it’s appropriate to invite his ex to our wedding, someone he apparently still feels the need to “support”?

I’ve since called off the wedding, saying I need time to think, but my family and friends are split. Half say I should be able to trust him if he says nothing happened, and others think I’m totally justified.

Meanwhile, Tom’s been telling our friends that I’m “controlling” and making a big deal out of nothing, and now I’m second-guessing myself. AITA for putting my foot down, or am I overreacting to something that really was “innocent”?

See what others had to share with OP:

HoshiJones −  He stayed there overnight for “closure”? Just how long does closure take?
NTA. And he’s badmouthing you to everyone, which only confirms your choice.

Ordinaryflyaway −  NTA..you’re the rebound.

Good-Gas-3293 −  NTA. He doesn’t sound over her at all. I’d be out so fast if I had a partner that wanted to bring her ex to the wedding.

beek_r −  NTA You should be able to trust Tom if he says nothing happened – but you can’t. He has given you no reason to believe him – he didn’t tell you about the meeting, he spent an entire night with Sara, and refused to talk about this burning need for closure with you. Why in the world would he commit to spending his life with you, if he hadn’t already gotten “closure?” What the heck does that even mean?

And why would Tom get back with you if he thinks you’re controlling and making a big deal out of nothing. Even if he thinks it’s nothing, he’s completely oblivious to the fact that you don’t, and guilt tripping you over having feelings. You’ve dodged a bullet, and maybe Tom and his ex can console each other.

bibbiddybobbidyboo −  NTA. Ok, let’s say he didn’t cheat. He prioritised her feelings and emotional wellbeing over yours. He’s not ready to prioritise you, and therefore not ready to marry you. Ok let’s say he got closure for him, then he wasn’t ready for a relationship let alone marriage to anyone.

This is not your person. I promise there is someone out there. You may not find them for a while but you’re asking because you know this is a s**t show waiting to happen. Trust your gut.

616Runner −  You’re second guessing yourself after he was telling everyone you’re controlling?

No_Jaguar67 −  Girl give him the ring back and move along. You were smart to cancel the wedding, but you are hanging on for nothing. After 3 years he shouldn’t have needed a damn thing from an ex. Find you a grown man to marry, not some boy who talks s**t about you to friends. NTA but you should have ended the relationship.. Updateme

Unlikely_Ad2116 −  NTA. IMHO a partner doesn’t have to completely cut their exes out of their life. But in this case, your fiance’ went behind your back. He should totally have told you, and been open about what he as doing. He didn’t.

And now that you know what happened, you’re getting “trickle truth.” “Okay, we met for coffee.” “Okay, we went to her house for a little while.” “Okay, I stayed overnight, but I SWEAR nothing happened.” Next will be “Okay, we did sleep together, but it didn’t mean anything, it was just a final goodbye.” If you believe nothing physical happened that night, I have some oceanfront property in Kansas for sale.

Who gets invited to the wedding is (like most relationship decisions) a “two yeses, one no” call. I’m glad good old Tom showed his true colors before the wedding.

In your shoes, the last straw would be him trying to turn this back on you, calling you “controlling”, “jealous of a friend”, too sensitive, and dragging your reputation through the mud. Go visit Sara, put the engagement ring on her finger, and tell her “Congratulations, you win.”

Fidiny −  He just got “first” closure. Second closure will be when they start fuking after the wedding. Final closure when he leaves you a year into marriage because he’s still in love with ex.

No-Cartoonist8495 −  **NTA**. First of all, closure is a s**m. Second, I completely agree with you that there’s no way it was just talking if he stayed over her place until morning. He’s g**lighting you and invalidating how you feel over learning of this.

Also, why is your fiancé okay with giving an ex closure when he’s engaged? I mean was your fiancé going to even tell you about this meet up if you didn’t see the text from her? This feels like a total betrayal.

I would say cut your losses and end the entire relationship completely. You can’t possibly trust this person moving forward. Save yourself the future heartache and end things OP! You deserve way better!!!