AITA for calling my sister ungrateful after she said I didn’t do enough for her daughter?

A Redditor shared a tense family conflict with her sister over tutoring her niece and nephew, whose academic abilities differ drastically. Despite years of free tutoring, the niece did not meet the requirements for a private middle school, leading the sister to accuse the Redditor of not doing enough. When the Redditor pointed out long-standing issues with grade progression and natural ability, the conversation spiraled. Read the full story below for the details.

‘ AITA for calling my sister ungrateful after she said I didn’t do enough for her daughter?’

My (38F) sister (37F) has 3 kids (10M, 10F and 5M). Her 10 year old twins are in 5th grade. Her son, Rhodes, and her daughter, Lydia, are both going to middle school next year. My sister wanted them to go to a private middle school about 30 minutes away from us, this is a selective school and incoming students need to take a test before coming in. Rhodes and Lydia took the test a few weeks ago and just got results back.

Rhodes and Lydia have always had a massive academic achievement gap, I’m a teacher and haven’t seen a gap this wide in siblings in my career. Rhodes can read, write and do math several grades above 5th grade. My sister asked me to tutor Rhodes and Lydia once they entered Kindergarten, and I have tutored them for free since then.

Rhodes has always been naturally intelligent, school comes easy to him, he puts in far less effort than Lydia or even most kids. I’ve had to bribe him with candy to do homework he can complete in 5 minutes because he’d rather be shooting hoops with his friends. Basketball is another thing that just comes naturally to him, Lydia does not do sports.

Lydia is multiple grades below where she’s supposed to be at, my sister has had her and Rhodes both tested for ADHD, autism, etc. and nothing comes up positive. I don’t know why but no matter how hard she tries, she struggles. She struggles with basic arithmetic and reading. To make matters worse, we can’t force children to be held back and my sister has refused to hold Lydia back, even after it was recommended to her throughout the years.

To give you an example of just how stark the difference between the 2 kids is, for their reading logs, Rhodes is reading a nearly 500 page book on the history of college sports, and he seems to understand it well. Lydia has read a number of picture books meant for Kindergarten-1st grade.

None of my colleagues at work have seen anything like this either, such a stark difference between siblings, especially twins (even if they are fraternal). No surprise here but Rhodes got into the middle school, Lydia did not.

My sister got angry at me when she found out, saying I didn’t do enough for Lydia. I said she was ungrateful and blamed her for passing Lydia on when she wasn’t ready. She said I should have faith in Lydia and not have agreed with “teachers who have a vendetta against her” that she should have been held back. I told her that Rhodes is just smarter naturally and she needs to accept it, she got mad at me and is now not answering my texts. AITA?

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

ForwardPlenty −  The tests don’t lie. There is no reason why they can’t go to different schools, you want to challenge Rhodes and allow him to excel, and you want to ensure that Lydia has all the support she requires to do well. Since you were tutoring them both, I am just wondering how much farther behind Lydia would be had you not been tutoring her.

sauronsballsgargler −  Former teacher. I’ve had parents with their own Lydia – and it \*sucks\* when they refuse to recognize that their child is not academically talented the way they think the kid is. It’s definitely a more delicate dance! Since Lydia is having such struggles with reading, maybe have her tested for Alexia? It’s a neurological disorder where the person cannot recognize written letters or words (and I think it includes numbers as well). It’s a worse issue than dyslexia.

grumbleGal −  Has Lydia been tested for learning disabilities such as dyslexia?

BlueGreen_1956 −  NTA. Your sister is living in denial and delusion. She is not alone there. This kind of reminds me of an episode of the Mary Tyler Moore show: Ted and the gang are discussing the fact that his son is not doing well in school. They are all offering various reasons for why that might be. All the usual reasons you could think of are tossed out. Lou’s FIL is visiting and is sitting listening to all of this discussion.

He finally pipes up and tells them that is another possibility that they are all overlooking. Maybe the kid is just dumb. Could you imagine a sitcom these days getting away with such brutal honesty.

Apprehensive_War9612 −  Your sister is actively harming her daughter by pushing for her to be passed along when she is clearly not understanding the material. A reckoning needs to happen. Perhaps with you & several teachers as well as a family intervention m. Your niece clearly needs additional help and every year that passes will leave her further behind.

School builds upon prior knowledge. If she doesn’t have it then no amount of time will help. She has to go back to basics. And thinking the teachers just have a vendetta is childish and unhelpful. You all have to tell your sister some very harsh truths. And more extensive testing needs to happen. ADHD / Autism aren’t the only learning disabilities. Keep examining **until** you find an explanation & a plan.. NTA.

trolleydip −  nta, and you know it! Your sister has unrealistic expectations of you, and her children. Thinking that teachers have a vendetta against her child is unhinged. And Lydia needs to be treated like an individual, and not compared, expected to keep up with her sibling.

RumiDupsie −  NTA. You’ve done a lot to help both kids, but Lydia’s struggles aren’t your fault. It sounds like your sister isn’t taking responsibility for decisions that affected Lydia’s progress.

Toetally_Soleless5 −  Nta you pointed out something that is obvious and that other teachers can see but she refuses to. Blaming you for failing her is easier than admitting that there might be some deeper issues going on that have been made worse by unintentional neglectful parenting. The longer she refuses to see it the worse it will be for lydia but you havent done anything wrong by pointing that out.

Fickle_Toe1724 −  NTA. Has Lydia been tested for dyslexia and disgraphia? Disgraphia is so often overlooked. So is dyslexia in girls. Please, get her tested for all learning disorders.  In my opinion, she needs a different school that can meet her needs. A school of high achievers isn’t it.  Rhodes should get to go to the school he got into. They can push him, like he needs.

 Lydia needs the extra help to learn the basics. Her mother is so wrong. You know that. School will just get harder for her.  I have a child with vision problems. Without her glasses, she can’t see much at all.  I have a son with a learning disability. He struggled until we found a resource teacher that was a good fit. In one year he went up 2 grade levels. By the end of year 2, he was at grade level. He just needed the tools to use that others didn’t need. Try to get that girl tested for everything.

Suspicious_Juice717 −  NTA. Seems like Mom only cares about appearances. Lydia does deserve better.