AITA for calling my grandpa my father figure instead of my stepdad?

A teenager faces backlash from her stepdad after a school assignment reveals she considers her grandpa her father figure. Following the death of her dad and a strained relationship with her stepdad, she feels her grandparents have been her true parental support system. Now, her stepdad is hurt, questioning why she hasn’t let him fill that role. Read the original story below…

‘ AITA for calling my grandpa my father figure instead of my stepdad ?’

My dad died when I (16f) was 6 and my brother was 7. My parents had a lot of issues in their marriage and dad was our primary parent and mom hadn’t lived with us in a while when dad died.

So when we moved in with her our paternal grandparents stepped in to “help” when in reality they sorta took over raising us. We still slept in beds at mom’s house, we still spent some time at mom’s house.

But our grandparents would come and get us up in the mornings and we’d go to their house after school until mom picked us up. Mom would leave us for weekends with them and sometimes a whole week. When I was 9 my mom got married again. She changed overnight.

She’d been distant and someone who drank a lot and she stopped drinking after she met her husband but let him take over. He, for the most part, did try to bond with me and my brother. But he was strict.

He had a lot of rules and high expectations and he was very much “this is my house so what I say goes” and this meant some of our artwork got taken down from the house because it included dad. Either drawings or we had some photo frames we made around photos of dad or us and dad.

My stepdad didn’t like that. He also had my brother take off dad’s watch because it bothered him that my brother carried dad with him everywhere. Our relationship with him was really difficult.

He largely ended the contact we had with our grandparents until our grandparents took to the courts and were granted visitation rights. But this made my stepdad try to overwhelm us with time with him, and mom occasionally.

He insisted we go to gun shows with him, he insisted we go fishing with him, he dragged us camping, he made us sign up for sports that he could coach. If we said no he ignored us. He’d ask us if we’d let dad sign us up for stuff we could do with him or if we complained when he wanted time with us.

We used to say different versions but you’re not our dad and he didn’t like that. Whenever we went to our grandparents for the visitation he would try and make us hug him and we’d often run out before we could be dragged in for one.

Mom yelled at us a few times for doing that and she said it was hurtful to ignore someone who loved us so much. Things were really tense in 2020 because we didn’t get to go to our grandparents house, like at all. But we could Zoom call them and my stepdad hated it.

He felt like we ignored when he was talking to us but he’d always try to talk to us during the calls. He tried to use that and told mom to bring our grandparents to court and end their grandparents rights. Our grandparents got more time because of it. I don’t like my stepdad.

I wish he and mom hadn’t met and I wish he ignored us over this forced relationship stuff. That might sound super ungrateful but it’s true. My grandparents are the people I love and respect and appreciate. They have done so much for us and in a way that wasn’t forced.

So when a school project came up and we got asked to identify and write about some primary figures in our life and the father figure assignment came I wrote about my grandpa.

I wrote about grandma for mother figure, I wrote about dad for impactful figure and educational figure I wrote about a teacher who has been super amazing to me the last two years and she helped me so much. Mom didn’t seem to care about the mother figure.

But my stepdad was pissed I called my grandpa my father figure over him. He told me I won’t let him be that and he doesn’t understand why we can’t give him a chance but we’re always so closed off with him and we don’t let him in.. AITA?

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

dbue3409 −  Not the AITA. It seemed like your step dad cared more about replacing your dad than actually being a father figure. He does not even realize his own actions is what caused you to view your grandfather as father figure. Your mom is barely mom it seems like.

Funny-Wafer1450 −  NTA. Your stepfather needs to understand that you don’t walk into someone’s life and instantly replace a parent. That’s asking for trouble, and he is experiencing that now.

My mom remarried when I was in my 20s, so the dynamics were different, but my stepdad stepped back and let the relationship develop on its own. I never called him dad, but he was definitely grandpa to my siblings and my children, and we did not deny him that.

RugbyKats −  You told the truth. NTA.

Zora74 −  NTA. You gave your grandparents a great honor by writing about them. Your stepfather is jealous and hurt, but cannot change the way you feel.
If your stepdad wants a better relationship, he has to do things that you’d enjoy and find ways to support your interests.

He also has to stop feeling threatened by your grandparents, trying to erase your dad, and trying to limit the time you spend with your grandparents. Overall, he sounds like a pushy guy who doesn’t know how to relate to others, but wants the image of a perfect dad.

His behavior is controlling, and something you should watch out for in others as you get older.

Vegoia2 −  He was jealous of a deceased man’s watch, dont think you are wrong but 18 will come fast enough and maybe you can go to a school near your grands and stay with them.

Glinda-The-Witch −  NTA. Your stepfather is the real a**hole here. For him this is all about control. Your mother isn’t much better because she never stepped up and made it clear that her children were her priority. I suggest you start getting an exit strategy in place.

I would expect he will probably be n**ty enough to force you out at 18. If you can live with your grandparents at that point, it would probably be best. Get a job and start saving money. Have one of your grandparents help you open a checking account so your parents can’t take your money.

madpiratebippy −  NTA your Stepdad needs therapy, he was counting on traumatized children to meet his emotional needs instead of trying to do what a real parent- step or otherwise- does and put your needs first.

its obvious your grandparents were important figures in your life, and him trying to deny you those relationships after an early life loss is SUPER S**TTY. I’m a step parent and yeah, your stepdad fucked that up a lot. He wanted to be Daddy without putting in the work to earn that role,

and kids don’t bond with authoritarian figures. He needed to be warm, loving, cuddly and supportive but that wasn’t him and now he’s hurt because you didn’t bond to him because he was strict, controlling, and tried to erase your father.

FragrantOpportunity3 −  NTA. At can you ask the court if you can live with your grandparents?

Azsura12 −  NTA But tell him directly something like “Hey, so the reason why your not my father figure is because I dont see you like that. I might have done so if you werent so strict and well uncaring.

From my perspective you only care about me and my brother because we had a good relationship with our grandparents. You didnt want to join and be part of a family. You wanted to be the center of a family. You created this rift by trying to force us to do stuff YOU liked and not stuff we all enjoyed.

You created this by not listening to us and by using raised voices and yelling as the first resort in an argument. You created that rift by trying to make this a competition rather than trying to care about us as people.

You made us take down all reminders of our dad and my brother had to stop wearing his watch because you are insecure with your self. And at this point the damage is already done I did not have the words to articulate this before. But I have the words now.

If you chill and relax and actually get to know us we could build some sort of relationship. But not if you are “trying to play dad”, get to know us as us.”

SpeakingMyTruth4All −  NTAH. I’m not sure what state you live in but at your age most courts would listen to you when you say who you would like to live with. You’re at that age