AITA for calling my friend a l**er?

A Redditor shared a heated moment with their friend who, while passionate about anime, seemed dismissive of Japanese culture as a whole. After spending significant time creating a thoughtful travel guide for the friend’s first trip to Japan, the Redditor was hurt when their effort was dismissed in favor of anime-focused plans. Frustrated by the friend’s disregard for cultural etiquette and unrealistic expectations, the Redditor called them a “loser.” Now, they’re questioning if they were too harsh. Read the full story below for the details.

‘ AITA for calling my friend a l**er?’

I (27F) am Japanese and moved to an English-speaking country (not America) for university, my friend (29F) is from my university. A bit of background: she became my friend in university. I have a very Japanese sounding name and she immediately approached me to ask if I am Japanese because she loves Japan. My English wasn’t great and she sometimes got frustrated but we got along really well and became really close.

Only thing is, she doesn’t ‘love Japan’. She loves *anime*. She talks like an anime character, does the facial expressions and hand gestures, wears cosplay day-to-day and wants to change her name to the name of her favourite anime character. She is a self-proclaimed otaku though she did stop using the word when I explained that it has negative connotations in Japan. It started to bother me a little bit when I first realised but people have their own interests so who am I to judge?

Now, she is still the same but with really impressive collections. She is also planning a trip to Japan for the first time. I was so excited for her to go and offered to put together a “guide” for her, she said that would be great. I spent days putting together a document with etiquette, places I recommend for food and to visit, places to avoid or red flags to look out for, phone numbers of emergency services and my family for if she needed help, and useful phrases! I included my parents’ address because when I told them about it, they offered to have her stay with them so I had it there as an option for her.

When I gave this document to her, she rolled her eyes and said that all of that was boring, that she thought I would be able to give her “insider knowledge” for anime tours that won’t have “stupid gaijin” (her words). She also said she didn’t need to know any Japanese as it was a “waste of time” because “Japanese people are very respectful and will speak English for me” and “I know enough from anime”.

I have explained to her before that most Japanese people don’t speak English very well and that “anime Japanese” isn’t natural but she is convinced that everyone will be able to understand her. She also didn’t care about the etiquette or anything like that, said it didn’t matter because people see tourists all the time so they don’t care.

She showed me her vague outline for her trip and it was just anime. Nothing cultural, nothing historical, just anime. I can’t explain it and I know that 100% I sound like an a**hole when I say this but I was so embarrassed for her.

I snapped and I told her that she has no respect for the culture of Japan, that she only sees Japan as the overly sexualised and cute anime that she watches, and that she’s a l**er. I said she’d be really disappointed when she landed and realised everybody just thought she was an otaku. She was really upset and isn’t talking to me. I feel terrible about it, I shouldn’t have been so harsh but I had put in so much effort for her to just throw it in my face like it was nothing.. Am I the a**hole?

See what others had to share with OP:

ALittleWordyToldMe −  NTA. You’re right. She doesn’t love Japan. She loves anime. And she’s reducing the entire country to her own romanticised o**ession with a specific form of media that one country produces. I don’t understand the people calling you judgemental. I would be pretty frustrated too, if someone claimed to love my country but insisted on reducing it to nothing but its most stereotypical form, calling all other aspects of it boring.

She wanted you to be her tour guide, but you have no experience or interest in showing her around the extremely specific o**ession she has, and are trying to make her aware of how the people of the country she claims to love will see her. When you have an o**ession like this, it’s also your responsibility not to put your blinders on and fail to look past it to what the rest of the world is doing and saying about how you present yourself in public. Could you have phrased it better? Absolutely. But she’s done nothing but phrase everything badly since she met you. You earned this one after a series of insults.

Coming to the most important part: You need to ditch her. She’s not your friend. She doesn’t see you as a person. You’re just a fantasy come to life for her, and the second you don’t conform to the fantasy, she will react the way painfully disillusioned people do. My advice is, don’t be around for it. You’ve warned her the best you can. Now move out gracefully. Tell her you don’t have the experience to give her what she needs. Let her visit Japan on her own. Let her face the consequences of her ignorance.. Good luck, OP.

Inside-Minute-409 −  NTA I feel embarrassed for your friend just reading this. A lot of westerners don’t have much cultural touchpoints outside of media so they assume the same of other cultures. It sounds like she is just fetishizing a culture that she hasn’t even bothered to learn about.

Revolutionary_Bag518 −  NTA. Your friend genuinely has no respect for your country / culture and she’s literally the worst type of tourist. As s**tty as this is to say, I’m willing to bet the only reason why she tried to befriend you was because she has a fetish for Japanese people. ( My husband is Japanese and he’s had a lot of run-ins with people like her. )

Nimue_- −  NTA . I am a student of japanese, like i actually have a bachelors degree and am working on my masters degree on Japanstudies. Weeaboos like her give people like me a bad name. I’ve had to defend myself so many times that although, yes i like anime, im not some weird anime otaku who sees nothing but anime. (My main interest is actually sengoku jidai history and edo culture)

AH like her go to Japan and perpetuate bad stereotypes. She needs a wake up call. Personally i hope she is super dissapointed in japan and never goes back or maybe, if im thinking positive, she discovers the country has so much more to offer. Calling her a l**er was a bit much but she basically disrespected your whole culture. まあ、とにかく、ドンマイ！

SayStrawberryBubbles −  Obviously NTA. Can we get that outline though? I always thought about travelling to Japan (: (I’m not a fan of anime).

piemakerdeadwaker −  NTA. I am only reading this and even I am embarrassed. You went above and beyond putting that guide together for her. I’d honestly distance myself from this friend. She most likely doesn’t respect you as a human being as well and just sees you as a prop in her o**ession. Speaking all of this as a anime-obsessed person.

BiQueenBee −  NTA – I went into this thinking obviously you’d be the AH, but no. While it’s not exactly cool what you said, she is a l**er, not for her interest in anime, but the fact that she totally disrespectful of you and your culture. Because she is a huge anime fan, I can maybe understand her desire to center her trip around that, but the whole expecting people to cater to her by speaking English and having zero interest in learning how to be a polite and respectful tourist, that really infuriated me. Tbh, I don’t you how you stay friends with her.

RCKJD −  NTA. Or worst case a justified AH. I am from a foreign country myself and would most likely react the same if someone were to talk about visiting my birthplace because they are a fan of [popular thing my birthplace is known for] but not the landscape, architecture or culture. Maybe not call them l**er though.

Reasonable-Friend-89 −  You’re gonna have to find out a way to find out what happens when she goes and update us with the sweet schadenfreud.