AITA for calling my boyfriend an insecure little boy after his repeated jokes that I “cheated the system” to get to a career that pays more than his?

A Redditor shares a tense situation with her boyfriend of ten years, Tim, after he started making “jokes” about her successful career. After discovering she now earns 30% more than him, he repeatedly implied that she “cheated the system” through nepotism and diversity initiatives. Frustrated by his remarks, she finally snapped, calling him an “insecure little boy.” Now he’s upset, accusing her of being a “naïve Karen,” leaving her to wonder if she overreacted. Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for calling my boyfriend an insecure little boy after his repeated jokes that I “cheated the system” to get to a career that pays more than his?’

Tim and I met in an English literature class our junior year of college, and we’ve been together the ten years since. While he ended up going into IT, I stayed in the liberal arts track and ended up doing non-profit work after college when I realized I didn’t actually want to be a schoolteacher. Just to say that we always assumed he’d out-earn me by a considerable margin, though when he made more I always insisted we split things evenly to avoid potential resentment down the road.

I’ve had sort of a non-linear career path, but ended up switching to the corporate world. To make a long story short, my liberal arts degree and time doing non-profit work gave me a lot of skills that enable me to really excel professionally in some more niche areas. I recently started a new job as a consultant, making way more than I’d ever anticipated.

When I got the offer, I told Tim that the pay was “amazing”, but he didn’t ask about the actual amount and I didn’t want to be braggy about it, especially since I was fairly sure it was above his current income.

Well we just put in an application for a new place, and in the process of having to submit our paystubs it’s become obvious that I make roughly 30% more than he does now. I expected him to think that was cool, since he’s a feminist and has always been super supportive of my career.

But instead he’s started to make increasingly harsh jabs about how I “cheated the system” to get where I am, that no English lit major makes more than a cyber security professional without cheating somehow.

His major point is that I got my first job out of nepotism, which set me up to “trample” more qualified people who didn’t have the same advantages. It’s true that I got my first post-college job after being referred by a sorority sister, but it was for non-profit work making 22k/yr, not exactly at somebody’s daddy’s firm.

He also points out that at my first corporate job, I snagged a big promotion after volunteering to take on starting up the company’s diversity/equity/inclusion program, and I’ll admit that were I a white *man*, it’s highly unlikely I would have been able to be the face of the eventually high-profile diversity program. Tim also notes that I was awarded a small college scholarship for being a “promising female writer”, when no such scholarship existed for males.

But all that said…I still don’t feel like I cheated the system, and it makes me angry to listen to him “joke” about it, especially since I grew up blue collar and worked fulltime while going to school fulltime to afford my degree. I reached a breaking point yesterday when he made a crack about how the new/first woman on his team is an obvious diversity hire.

I told him that his jokes about women cheating the system to get ahead aren’t funny or “guy-talk ribbing” as he says, they make him sound like an insecure little boy. He told me I was being a naïve Karen and we haven’t really talked since yesterday. Did I go too far?

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

Reader01234567 −  NTA. D**p him. He’s sexist and toxic toward women. Imagine you have kids with him someday wtf. Using people you know to find jobs is 100% normal and called networking. Cybersecurity is not some top dog where no one earns more than that field. His attitude toward your major is gross.

Getting a promotion because you volunteered and showed initiative on new programs and showed interest in the company is also normal. There are plenty of scholarships out there. Winning a scholarship does not somehow mean you took advantage.

CebollasSaltado −  You don’t sound like you cheated the system whatsoever, and used your skills to get a job you were qualified for, so with that being said… INFO: Why are you dating someone who has zero respect for you?

[Reddit User] −  The system is rigged towards white men. You’ve succeeded in spite of that. Poor lil boyfriend is not a feminist and he’s having his ego challenged. NTA

[Reddit User] −  NTA. He’s a feminist until a woman earns more than him, then suddenly it’s all cheating. If he cannot be happy for you I am not sure where your relationship is going.

[Reddit User] −  NTA He isn’t much of a feminist if he thinks you got one of your jobs just because you’re a woman. He is an insecure little boy like you said. Edited out ‘or a scholarship’ so people replying can stop thinking I didn’t know she got the scholarship because she happened to be a woman even though getting a scholarship like that requires skilled writing (from a woman).

porcelain_owl −  NTA but y’all have some serious problems. I can’t imagine being with someone for 10 years and not telling them how much money I make. Even if you split your finances and have separate accounts it’s important to know how much money you’re bringing in.

It sounds to me like you guys have a real problem with communication that needs to be fixed if you intend to stay with him (I wouldn’t, but that’s just me. I can’t imagine my husband being jealous and accusatory if I made more than him – he’d be happy for me and for us).

tangerine-trees- −  NTA but you’ve just found out how little your boyfriend respects you, so that’s….good to know, I suppose. By the way, he IS acting like an insecure little boy.

JeepersCreepers74 −  INFO: Has your application for the new place been approved yet?

lihzee −  NTA. He does sound like an insecure little boy. Those aren’t harmless things he’s saying. He clearly has some sort of disdain for professional women, or at least women who are doing better than him career wise. It’s disrespectful and pretty gross.

SpellExisting −  NTA. All the NTAs in the world. I think what you’re seeing is that he may have been a feminist in theory, but it hit home differently when you started out-earning him. You worked hard to get where you were and made the most of your opportunities — volunteering to set up a diversity program?

that shows initiative and I’m guessing you did it pretty well to get hired. Sames goes for just about everything else. Run fast. Even if they’re just “jokes”, those things always have a grain of truth.

Was she justified in standing up to his comments, or did she take things too far by attacking his insecurities? Have you ever dealt with a partner feeling resentful over career success? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments!