AITA for buying designer items with my own money?

A Reddit user shares their perspective on a conflict with their husband regarding financial decisions in their marriage. They earn over $500,000 a year and have a net worth exceeding $3 million, yet their husband remains fixated on saving and avoiding debt due to his low-income upbringing.

After working for a FAANG company for three years, the user recently decided to sell some stocks to splurge on designer items for themselves, their husband, and their daughter.

The husband is upset about this spending, expressing a desire to save for future uncertainties and criticizing the user for wanting nice things. The user feels guilty for wanting to enjoy their earnings and questions whether they are in the wrong for prioritizing their own desires.

‘ AITA for buying designer items with my own money?’

Happily married working at a FAANG (3 years now) with a retired husband – he is 10 years older. Together we have four adult children – 1 together and  3 from his previous marriage. When we married his ex-wife quit her job and took us to court to get her child support increased wanting to attach to my income.

We spent $20K to prevent that from happening. So for the first 10 years of our marriage, I was what he used to call his ‘cushion’ because 45% went to his children and 20% went to his investments. I took care of us and our child’s needs. Eventually he decided he wanted to retire early and be a stay at home Dad. I agreed and he retired at 58.

We lived frugally off of my income for the last 10 years while saving his pension. Annually I now earn over $500k and he recently started taking his social security at 100%. Other than our mortgage (owe $280K), we owe roughly $5k in credit cards as we own our cars. At this point our net worth is over $3M.

We recently decided to build an addition to our home which we estimate will cost $500k – plan is to pay cash. He desperately wants to be debt free (a bit of a worry wort) so I agreed to pay off the mortgage. This year, I splurged a little buying designer shoes and handbags.

He just found out I sold some of the stocks (part of my compensation) and is PISSED! Like he won’t even talk to me or look at me. Why? He thinks and acts like we are poor. He constantly worries about what will happen if he dies, I lose my job, we go to war, we have a recession, etc. The list of what if’s goes on and on.

His point is we need to save, save, save for a rainy day. Our broker shared given how we are investing we will leave our kids a really huge nest egg. He grew up poor and the idea of generational wealth excites him. I don’t mind leaving money, but I don’t want to live a life filled with regret as his mother did. I was raised in an upper middle-class home and like nice things.

He was raised in a low-income area and makes me feel guilty/stupid for wanting nice things. For his birthday I purchased him all new clothes and designer shoes. I also purchased new clothes for our daughter. He yelled and said he was going to start buying the things he wants and that I wouldn’t be happy.

I actually don’t care. In my mind you can’t take it with you so why not enjoy the fruits of your labor while you are living? I refuse to let my tombstone say if only I had saved more money. AITA for selling some of my stock to buy things for myself, my husband and my daughter and not honoring our agreement to not spend any money?

I spent less than 5% of my income. He doesn’t give me gifts because he says I have everything. I feel like we live in the projects and we are one pay check away from living in our car. Help me please! I love him but this is ridiculous!

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

slendermanismydad −  You are his meal ticket. I have no idea why you put up with this.  So for the first 10 years of our marriage, I was what he used to call his ‘cushion’ because 45% went to his children and 20% went to his investments.. Then he retired early off you. 

lilolememe −  I would suggest sitting down with the financial planner about how much you can spend each month while still attaining your financial goals. If someone else can put it down on paper, then your husband may be able to comprehend that he can spend money on you and give you gifts (flowers, books, vacation, etc.), and you can afford to buy yourself things.

I would also suggest a visit with a marriage counselor to work through his belief he doesn’t need to give you gifts, and that even though you are earning as much as you are, he feels you don’t deserve nice things. It’s about your worth. He’s so consumed with money, he doesn’t see your value.

tictactoss −  I’m confused. If you are making $500k a year, let’s assume you are you’re bringing in somewhere around $28,000-$30,000/month in take home pay. A rough calculation shows you would have a mortgage payment of under $2k with todays interest rates, and while property tax and insurance vary greatly, let’s toss out $5k if you have health coverage through work covering the family.

So that should leave you more than $20k+ each month for everything else, like utilities, groceries, gas, and all the misc. expenses, including luxury goods, every month. WHY do you have to cash out stock/investments to buy designer clothing? Just how many designer shoes and handbags are we talking here?

The problem isn’t that you bought the items. YTA because you cashed out stock for luxury items *without telling your husband* instead of purchasing them with your existing income.

74Magick −  I have a client like that. We are professional organizers and they had a massive hoard. It took a YEAR to get the house liveable. The husband is constantly screaming about his wife spending money to keep the house from falling down, which is actually HER inheritance.

They have well over a million in their portfolios that they had before her inheritance, and they paid cash for their house. To hear him, they are destitute.. NTA

Nsr444 −  NTA, but the math doesn’t math. With 500k annually, why have 5k on CC, and why need to sell stock? And is he actually planning on leaving his kids your money? He doesn’t seem to be contributing much. Your daughter should not need a SAHP at this age…

issy_haatin −  NTA – Your husband is. He wanted to retire early but at the same time worries about money? F**k that. He just wants to control what you earn.

Mentalcomposer −  NTA – Buy what you want, (within reason), it’s ridiculous that you have to curtail spending so he can leave his kids money when he dies.
Im more curious why you’re adding a $500K addition onto your house. Your kids are all adults, and even if they aren’t all out of the house, they will be sooner rather than later. You can’t need more space.

judgemental_t −  NTA. You can’t take it with you and sounds like you had a lot of tough years working your b**t off to earn this pay day. He retired early and that puts more financial burden on you. Yes you make a great amount and your fun money should be accounted for. Honestly, if he was so worried he should go back to work to save up and help out.

tarmaq −  Info: Has he always looked at you as a meal ticket? Are you happy with this dynamic? Is he planning on passing down his pension to your stepchildren, or your money? I get a really bad taste in my mouth from this dynamic.

Angel-4077 −  NTA But stupid to not realise a decade ago that he is a greedy s**fish financial abuser. Wake up! He clearly has only one rule money can only be spent ON HIM and his kids. You have paid for his sorry ass for YEARS.

Is the user justified in wanting to enjoy their hard-earned income, or is the husband’s concern about saving money more valid? How do you balance financial security with enjoying life? Share your thoughts below!