AITA for bringing up just how much I actually do for our household to my wife?

A Reddit user found himself feeling unappreciated after overhearing his wife downplay his household contributions in front of her friends.

Although he’s the primary cook and often handles most of the cleaning, his wife claimed the credit to relate to her friends’ marital complaints. Confronting her left her feeling criticized, and he’s now wondering if he was wrong to bring it up. Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for bringing up just how much I actually do for our household to my wife?’

My wife (41F) and I (42M) have been married for 15 years. I apparently surprised her by being capable of doing household chores and tasks, which I didn’t think much of. My mom always asked me to help out with chores when I was a kid so I didn’t think it was beneath me or anything.

I do think I inherited her need to clean excessively, like it’s so bad that I can’t eat until a mess is dealt with. My Mom is an amazing cook, my Aunt was a literal chef at a fancy hotel and my dad loved having barbeques.

It was pretty natural to learn from them and pick up a thing or two. The only thing I didn’t pick up was how to make a decent cup of tea or coffee, I’m genuinely awful at it. It got to a point where I was handling most of the household chores and taking care of cooking, which I prefer anyways since she comes home exhausted.

I’ve been asking our children (11F and 9M) to do some minor tasks around the house and hopefully teach them this sort of thing too. She has a group of friends who hang out regularly, this time it was her turn to host the group at her home.

I offered to take our children out for the day, and it was all set. Before we left, I had to finish up some things for work. The office space is practically on top of our living room, so I could hear what they were talking about the entire time.

One of the friends asked how she always kept our house so spotless and my wife just bragged about how she was responsible for it all.
Then they all started talking about their gripes with their marriages, a common theme was how unhelpful their spouses were.

I felt pretty uncomfortable so I just left the office and went out with the kids. I came back after they had left for the night and acted as normal until we got to our bedroom.

I asked her what was up with that conversation they had and pointed out that I did the cooking and cleaning in our marriage. She told me not to take it personally, and that she just wanted to fit in with the struggles of her friends.

Now I just feel unappreciated, especially since I don’t clearly remember any genuine gratitude for what I do from her. Since then, she’s been pretty short with me. She says I’m weaponizing what I’m doing against her and holding it over her head.

I don’t expect her to compliment me each time I clean or defend me religiously, just a little ‘My husband is pretty helpful actually, he does his share’ would be nice. I can’t help but feel like her friends think I’m some sort of deadbeat who comes home to relax and n**lect her.

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

Turmeric_Ping −  NTA. Your not weaponizing what you’re doing against her. You’re just insisting that she doesn’t lie about you and badmouth you to her friends, which is exactly what she is doing.

She knows that she is in the wrong here, hence her hostile response: she doesn’t have a reasonable defence for her behaviour. Personally I wouldn’t let this go. Her friends are people you will have to socialise with from time to time, and therefore what they think about you does matter.

GreenTeaShaman −  NTA. It’s bizarre that your wife would *pretend* that you don’t help around the house. She didn’t have to throw it in her friends faces, she could have stayed silent or just said that yeah he does help.

Imagine she’s being short with you because you do work around the house! What the hell! Most people would love to have a spouse who helps around the house. She doesn’t get to be annoyed at you because you don’t like the fact she makes you out to be a crap husband to her friends. She should be on your side.

sfrancisch5842 −  NTA. However… if you want to be petty… stop doing so much around the house. If she wants to brag she does it all. Let her. Let her see exactly how much you contribute. And don’t do anything until she apologizes sincerely.

Connect-Thought2029 −  NTA, I would stop cleaning and cooking and let her doing it . What does she do ? Does she work ? Do you split childcare?

Wooden-Ad6305 −  She’s 41yrs old. Why is she trying to “fit in” and lie?

Ok_Pangolin2219 −  NTA this is not about fitting in but bragging about someone else’s work and passing it for her own.
Do you want jealousy from your friends? Brag about how lucky you are that your spouse does his share of the house work and cooking.

CarrieDurst −  NTA she literally lied, negged, and disparaged you for friends approval

Zealousideal-Set-592 −  I totally understand why you’re hurt. I’m lucky that my husband is actually pretty great at doing his fair share and sometimes more with the household.

I always make sure to give him his due and tell friends what a great partner he is. It would be quite a betrayal to act like I had to do it all myself when that’s simply not true

Cereberus777 −  Make a chore graph. Lots of colour and big. Stick it in the kitchen. Nta.

lychigo −  That pisses me off that she didn’t give you credit in front of her friends, because she DOES NOT have it like them. It’s 100% taking all that you do for granted and doing so while insulting you to her friends…in your own home!!!

I’d be a thousand percent pissed if my partner took credit for the cleaning I did in front of friends as if I were the lazy one. It was personal. If anything, you should be short with her. Let her take credit for all the cleaning she actually does.

Do you think it’s fair for him to ask for acknowledgment for his household contributions, or should he let his wife handle social situations however she wants? Share your thoughts and stories below!