AITA for breaking my promise to my stepkids, and “abandoning and traumatizing” them because I did not want to parent them anymore?

A Reddit user recounted their experience of marrying a widower with two young children, only to find themselves overwhelmed by the parenting responsibilities their husband pushed onto them. Over time, the user felt unsupported, disrespected, and eventually grew to resent the children due to the toxic dynamics in the household.

They ultimately decided to leave the marriage and the family, ending contact with all parties. Fifteen years later, the user received a message from one of the now-adult stepchildren, accusing them of betrayal and lifelong trauma for “abandoning” the children. To learn more about the situation and the conflicting perspectives, read the full story below…

‘ AITA for breaking my promise to my stepkids, and “abandoning and traumatizing” them because I did not want to parent them anymore?’

I met “Will” when I was 22. Will was 29, with 2 kids, and had newly been widowed. We had whirlwind courtship where he introduced me to the kids and got me involved in their lives VERY early (first few days after I met him.) Will said really quickly he was sure I was “the one,” not only for himself but also for his kids.

That we’d have an incredible, happy family life. We got married when I was 23, Will was 30, and his kids were 8 and 6. Our wedding ceremony also included me and the kids making promises to each other, which was Will’s idea. Soon Will shoved ALL the childcare onto me.

I wasn’t a stay at home spouse, I worked full time and always have. But he always had “reasons” for me to do the childcare – him being sore from doing a physical job, me being “better” at it since I babysat kids this age in the past and he never had. Or “girl stuff” for his daughter. Or cooking or anything.

He always had some reason and it ended up always on me. He started playing video games and “relaxing” from getting home until bed, because he was “tired” and he was “bringing in the money and keeping the roof over everyone’s heads,” though that wasn’t really true. He said he DESERVED to relax.

Then he went out with his friends or brought them back to drink beer and watch loud TV. He developed a major attitude with me, and encouraged same in the kids. They found it funny. He started openly disrespecting me and encouraged them to also. He was the ultimate “fun dad” and I got put in the role of the mean witch.

Sometimes they all ganged up on me and mocked me. But also all expected me to serve them and constantly be jumping up to care for them. By the end of the first year I realized the marriage was a big mistake, but felt guilty leaving because of my promises to the kids. Another year went by and I realized that no matter how I tried,

and how I knew they were only kids and I didn’t really blame them, I genuinely hated both of the kids. And I could not lie to myself any more and pretend that I loved them. I did not, and I never would. One day I just walked out, packed up everything of mine and moved out while nobody was at home.

I left a note explaining it wasn’t working and saying goodbye. That was the end. Cue shitstorm from my ex and a bitter divorce, but we both walked away with what we went into the marriage with (not much for either of us).

I had never legally adopted the kids so I had no rights or responsibilies about them and I never reached out to any of them again. Honestly I was overjoyed to be rid of all of them. 15 years have gone by and that seems like a lifetime ago, or another person’s life, but I’m still in my 30’s.

I was recently shocked to get a message from Tamara, Will’s daughter, now 25. Tamara said I betrayed and traumatized her for life for “abandoning them” after my promises to them. She said I had a “responsibility to never leave no matter what.” I know she remembers the horrible way she treated me though.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

HoldFastO2 −  NTA. There is never a responsibility to never leave, that is ridiculous. Sure, a 10-year-old may reasonably think so, but a 25-year-old should know better.

CupofCursedTea −  NTA. Your husband didn’t want a wife – he chose a younger woman and whisked her off her feet to be his live in maid, nanny and cook. He knew what he was doing when he asked you to make that promise to the kids, emotionally manipulating you into staying even though he treated you like crap.

It’s sad that the children lost their mother, but their father encouraging them to treat you like the evil stepmom was cruel to both you and them. Clearly the behaviour he showed continued after left, and he kept telling Tamara and her brother how awful you were. You got yourself out of there: well done for being strong and wise enough to do so. Many people don’t have the strength to do that.

StevenKnowsNothing −  Message her back and explain it was a toxic marriage, that their dad set you up to be the family punching bag and nanny. That he wasn’t looking for love or a partner but a door mat and he encouraged you kids to do the same.

Tell her their hangups are their own and then say that you are done with that chapter of your life and will never again allow their father to drag your life down. NTA those kids have been fed lies and delusions about what that marriage was like

The__Riker__Maneuver −  This girl has spent well over a decade being told how you abandoned them and that all their problems are her fault…not their fathers. Everything was your fault. All the bad women their father brought home after you is your fault cus you left. I guarantee their father has been driving this home for years and years.

So you can’t really blame her for feeling the way she feels She’s been brainwashed her entire life. And no amount of logic or maturity is going to convince her otherwise
Best to just ignore her and let her go on believing what she believes because nothing is ever going to change her mind one way or the other. NTA

[Reddit User] −  NTA and I would recommend you messaging her back and reminding her of herself and her family treatment of you.

Postmodernfinn −  NTA I’ve seen this before, a lot of men aren’t looking for love but someone to cook, clean and watch the kids while they play COD and drink beer.
It’s not fair to the kids, but it’s not your responsibility to be a live in s** maid / babysitter either.

niantictomystic −  NTA sounds like your ex has a major g**lighting problem.

SpitDontQuit −  NTA The dad blamed his s**tty parenting on his job and had you do everything. With you leaving, it just further showed how incompetent Will was. But instead of ever taking responsibility, Will blamed it on you and now Tamara blamed you too.

It was never your fault, Will tool advantage of you and is g**lighting his own children. I’m glad you left, block Tamara and keep doing what you got to do with your life

Maddie215 −  It was a bad situation all around. He was too rushed in marrying after his wife died (obviously wanted a mom formhismkids and a maid for himself). You were too young and inexperienced to realize what the rush was all about because it felt like true love to a young lady.

Tamara WAS traumatized. She was a young child who,lost her mom and then her step mom just walked out. She could not have understood what was going on and why you had to leave it was just abandonment.

Now, in our world of self care amd mental health discussions, tamara is dealing with her issues and the childhood experiences that shaped her. She needs to do this. She has said her peace. Move on now. No judgement as for who is or is not an A,,,H,,,because this is too complicated to be reduced to that.