AITA for breaking my deathbed promise to my wife to take care of her Down’s Syndrome daughter?

A Redditor shares a heartbreaking story about a deathbed promise he made to his late wife to care for her adult daughter with Down’s Syndrome. Despite his best efforts, he struggles with the reality of providing adequate care for his stepdaughter, who exhibits violent behaviors and requires constant supervision. After realizing he cannot meet her needs, he decides to place her in a state-run care facility, breaking the promise he made to his wife. His decision has sparked outrage among his family, labeling him as heartless. Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for breaking my deathbed promise to my wife to take care of her Down’s Syndrome daughter?’

I ( 55M) just lost my wife (56F) to cancer. My late wife’s entire life was about her 30 year old daughter, who suffers from Down’s Syndrome and has never and will never have the ability to live independently. Nor will she ever have the ability to ever exercise any real amount of emotional impulse control.

And before you all start in on the ” evil stepdad who doesn’t care to understand” line of thinking, I want to add that I have been in her life since she was 5. And spent years fearing the day where she was physically developed to the point where punches, scratches, and throwing things were a real threat. Once that happened, all of my wife’s friends stopped visiting our house.

One of them even said that her uncle deals with vicious dogs for a living and she feels safer around his workplace than at our house. I many times have ended up needing to go to the doctor’s for the crime of sitting in the same room as my stepdaughter and having her attempt to pound my head in, throw a heavy object at me, or trying to choke me after I had fallen asleep.

My late wife was the only one who could reliably calm her down. When we started using caregivers for my stepdaughter after my wife was diagnosed, THEY would be asking ME whether I could enlighten them on a better way to explain things to my stepdaughter when she was going ballistic. When even they, who were used to explaining things to people who just didn’t get things were still struggling and asking for insight.

When my late wife was diagnosed, the first word out of her mouth was my stepdaughter’s name. She cried every day for what was to become of her. In her desperation, she tried to press the doctor for chemotherapy when it no longer made sense. Turned to alternative medicine despite it making her feel worse. Saying she would have stopped all treatment if she was only leaving behind a employable, functioning 30 year old.

On her deathbed, she made me promise to not let her fall into the hands of a state care facility. I promised her because I didn’t have the heart not to. But now after my grief fog has cleared 2 months later my stepdaughter remains the same. She doesn’t understand her mom is dead- only that she’s gone and is angry at me for it. Saying she’ll be good, so bring her back.

Caregivers are expensive. I don’t make much. I didn’t resent any medical expenses when it was my wife but I admit that I resent my stepdaughter. My own grown kids won’t visit with her around. If I hadn’t made the death bed promise the decision would have been easy.

And finally I made the decision that I needed to put her in a state run facility, as even with my wife leaving me everything, I couldn’t afford anything ” better.” Now family are calling me the evil stepdad and a mother’s worst nightmare. AITA?. ​

See what others had to share with OP:

jonfakler −  I am sorry for the loss of your wife. But your wife did a disservice to her daughter by not planning for her future, except for her being there. As a parent with a son with Down syndrome we are planning what type of group home will be the best fit for him. They are better equipped for her care.

Mehitabel9 −  Those family members who are calling you names are more than welcome to open their homes to your stepdaughter.

PoisonedSmoke420 −  NTA! If the family don’t want her in a state care facility tell them to take her!

trillestBill −  She doesn’t understand her mom is dead- only that she’s gone and is angry at me for it. Saying she’ll be good, so bring her back.. Well that was sad as hell to read

itsamermaidslife −  It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks as none of us are dealing with this day in and out. It’s a tough situation and I feel for you.

ProfAndyCarp −  NTA. This may be your wife’s worst nightmare, but her expectations for her daughter were wholly unrealistic, as your post makes clear. I’m so sorry for your loss, and for the horrible situation with your stepdaughter. I hope you find some peace.

Dipshitistan −  NTA. It’s a nightmare situation, and if your former in-laws believe your action is so evil, I’m sure they’ve begun taking steps to be her caregivers themselves, right?

[Reddit User] −  Nta. On her deathbed, she made me promise to not let her fall into the hands of a state care facility. I promised her because I didn’t have the heart not to. What about your sanity, health and happiness? You did everything you could and it’s time you look after yourself. You are already 55.

Electronic_Fox_6383 −  Don’t let your decision now mar the kindness of letting your wife pass without undue stress. You did a kindness for your wife. Now, do a kindness for yourself. It sounds like your stepdaughter should have been in care a long time ago, honestly. Channel any compassion you have into visiting her regularly if you’re able. NTA and I’m sorry for your loss.

sundaze_08 −  As someone who has worked in these facilities, I will say NTA. But I do advise that you continue to be in her life. You have no idea how many admissions we would get that would drop off their children and never come see them, never take them out for visits, never bring a birthday cake or take them home for the holiday. She will get the appropriate mental, intellectual and physical help she needs there – but she will still need a family outside of there. She can get a lot better here if she has a support system outside of there.

Do you think he was wrong for prioritizing his own well-being and financial stability, or was it a necessary step given the challenges? Should deathbed promises always be upheld, no matter the circumstances? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments!