AITA for being upset at my boyfriend over his gross answer to a hypothetical question?
A 19-year-old woman shared her frustration after her boyfriend made an unsettling comment during a casual hangout with friends. When asked what he’d do if he could freeze time, he hinted that he’d use it to engage in inappropriate activities, dismissing it as a “common joke” when she confronted him.
Feeling disgusted and shocked by his response, she’s now wondering if she overreacted—follow the story below to see how the situation escalated.
‘AITA for being upset at my boyfriend over his gross answer to a hypothetical question?’
I’ll try to keep this as short as possible.
I (F19) have been dating my boyfriend (M20) for about 1 year.
Yesterday, a mutual friend, Dan (M20), invited my boyfriend, me and a few other people to his place. So while we were there, at some point Dan asked us a silly hypothetical question, “what would you do if you could freeze time for an hour?” Most of us said things like we’d sleep, we’d wander around, we’d steal money etc.
But my boyfriend gave Dan a knowing look and said “you’d know what I’d do”, clearly implying that he’d do something… sexual. Dan laughed awkwardly, nobody else said anything and we changed the subject.
When we left, I asked my boyfriend what he meant when he said that, and when he tried to avoid answering I asked him if he meant that he’d have s*x with the “frozen” women. He said that that’s what he meant but that it was just a joke. I told him that he was literally saying that he’d rape women if he could and that rape isn’t a joke.
He insisted that he didn’t mean it and that it was a common joke that guys say when they are asked such questions. I was absolutely disgusted and snapped at him, asking how he could possibly think that this is OK. He didn’t understand why I reacted like that and said that it’s no big deal, everyone says it and they all know it’s a joke.
But I was so appalled by his reaction that I came over to my sister’s place, stayed here overnight and refused to communicate with him. He’s sent me a couple of messages saying that I should stop behaving like a child and come back.
I asked him if he was willing to apologise for his gross “jokes”, and he replied that he’s got nothing to apologise for and that I’m the one who should apologise for making such a big deal out of a joke.
AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
FetusViolator says:
I believe the layman’s term is “dog whistle” for what you’re describing
the_horned_rabbit says:
This is very accurate, and very carefully worded. It’s not blame for the victim, but it is a tactic used to choose victims. Doesn’t matter what joke you laugh at, you still don’t deserve to be raped – but people get raped even when they don’t deserve it.
Atypical_Mom says:
Agreed – I get that some of this could be learned behavior- but when OP told him it wasn’t funny and why it’s wrong, he should have said “sorry, I hadn’t seen it that way before. I apologize, and won’t do it again.”…. You know, like a decent human being
PerfectionPending says:
I’ve heard plenty of variations of the invisible/time frozen question in my 40+ years & many guys will say something about catching a peak in a women’s locker room. That sort of thing. I’ve never heard anyone allude to rape. Never. Boyfriend is an outlier. Waaaay out.
Appropriate-Size3202 says:
Oh the locker room peeking is as bad imo. It’s still doing s*it to women who can’t consent which is weird, gross and completely a big red flag.
The story raises the question of where the line should be drawn when it comes to humor and sensitivity, especially in relationships. Is she overreacting, or did his “joke” cross a boundary? What do you think? Share your thoughts in the comments!