AITA for being ungrateful about gold earrings when I only wear silver?

A woman felt disappointed when her boyfriend of three years gifted her gold earrings for her birthday, even though she only wears silver. Her reaction led to tension, and her boyfriend, upset, left without staying for the evening.

He later texted, explaining he doesn’t pay much attention to jewelry specifics, valuing her presence over her accessories. Now, she’s conflicted, feeling her reaction might have come across as ungrateful. Read the original story below…

‘ AITA for being ungrateful about gold earrings when I only wear silver?’

Recently, I (21F) had my birthday and my boyfriend (21M)(of 3 years) took me out to dinner. After we had our meal he told me he had gotten a gift for me. Now usually, when he gets me gifts its never been too fancy, (e.g. last year he got me a pair of shoes I’ve been wanting and some flowers.

We’re both only in our early 20s and in college so neither of us have a lot of money so I never expected too much in terms of gifts. So when I saw the box of a company I would never even dare to look at, I was extremely excited. But when he opened the box I saw a pair of gold earrings and my smile shrunk.

I asked him why he would get me something gold if I only wear silver. He apologised but I was still a bit annoyed. And I realised he started becoming more frustrated on our way to his car.

I could tell my reaction was bugging him and eventually he dropped me off at my apartment without coming inside and didn’t even let me take the gift. I didn’t want my night ruined so I had some of my girls over and so I wasn’t really on my phone.

The morning after my birthday I realised he had called me twice and sent me a message. To paraphrase, he basically said that he didn’t realise it would be such a big deal and he never pays attention to my jewellery because he finds me beautiful with or without it – and guys just generally don’t care about jewellery.

I’m pretty torn now because I think I may have overreacted and seemed ungrateful. On the other hand, we’ve been dating for over 3 years and he doesn’t even know what jewellery I like..

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

Own-Kangaroo6931 −  YTA. You could have gratefully taken it in the spirit it was intended, then later on, maybe in a couple of days, politely said that you tried them on but maybe they don’t suit you and you hope he wouldn’t be offended if you could go and change them if he had the receipt…

and that just in general (if he wanted to buy you jewellery) you think that generally silver looks better on you? ……. see how that is slightly different from effectively throwing his gift back in his fact the moment you received it?

[Reddit User] −  everyone is saying yta, but… honestly.. after 3 years and he doesnt notice you never wear gold? only to buy you gold instead of what you wear? kind of sad lol.

people in the comments are saying men dont notice these things, and thats actually sad and gross to say, as if to dumb down men so they dont have to pay attention and put effort in. my boyfriend notices these things abt me and would never get me silver bc i never wear it lol.

you are the AH tho for some parts for sure.. you shouldve at least thanked him and been nicer about it! he probably spent a lot of money on it, you guys couldve returned it if possible and maybe went to choose another thing out together thats the same price or less.

But him saying guys dont care about jewelry sucks. men who love you will put effort in and notice what you do/dont like, its so boring and disappointing when you love someone and they dont know the things you like! you are partly the AH but im not gonna say ur extremely wrong lol but thats just my opinion

KindlyCelebration223 −  NTA I don’t think you are upset just cause the earrings are gold. You are upset that after 3 years, he didn’t know you enough of take the time to pay attention enough to buy you a gift, one he took the time to spend a fair amount on, that reflects the thoughtfulness and attention to who you are.

It could have been a book or flowers or a gift card, but if it was a book you’ve already read & talked about, flowers you said you were allergic to, or a gift card to a store you never go to, it’s not really a thoughtful gift at all.

If this is a one off, talk to him about it & how it made you feel after 3 years. If this is a pattern of “guys just don’t think about this stuff” as if that means you should except less from men as partners.

mvuanzuri −  I’m shocked at all the Y T A votes – to me this is a NAH/ESH. It was wasteful and unobservant of your BF to buy expensive gold earrings when you won’t wear them, since you exclusively wear silver. He should have noticed that you only wear one type of metal; that attention to detail is not too much to ask of a long term partner.

You should have thanked him gracefully, and the next day or so explained that you don’t wear gold and don’t want the gift to go to waste, and asked to make a date of the two of you going to exchange them for silver together. You should not have ignored his messages that evening. Learn to communicate

If this was a candle or something then yeah, just say thanks and move on. But assuming your BF spent a good chunk of change on these, you and he should both want to make sure you’ll actually get to enjoy the gift.

OrangeCubit −  NTA – he showed that he doesn’t pay attention to you, didn’t consider what YOU wanted or what YOU would like. I hate when people say just because something was expensive you should be grateful. Should I buy my husband Taylor Swift tickets for his birthday?

Sure he hates large crowds and her music, but they are expensive tickets! Its not about the cost, it’s about the fact he didn’t pay attention to you.

MaraJade0603 −  I’m going to get downvoted to absolute Hell but NTA. Look, I only wear silver and my bf knew that for a couple years. He took his mom’s advice and bought me a gold bracelet. I’m sure the look on my face mirrored yours because he asked if I liked it and I admitted I didn’t.

He was disappointed but learned to pay attention to my likes and ignore what his mom thought I would like. I had asked for a Nintendo DS for Christmas and she insisted a bracelet would be better because all women liked jewelry.

The fact that your bf stated that he never paid attention to your jewelry sort of concerns me. Does he not pay attention to aspects of you that he doesn’t find interesting? For the longest time, I could not care less about Legos but my husband likes them and I made sure to buy him sets he would enjoy.

Like, I wouldn’t get him a Ninjo set because he prefers the car series. It’s part of being in a relationship. Edited to add: I’m also a spoiled b**t so there’s that…

saintandvillian −  NTA. You didn’t completely flip out and the comments are fixated on the gift but the real issue is that your boyfriend doesn’t pay attention to you. If you’ve been dating a while and you only ever wear silver jewelry then you have a boyfriend who isn’t that keen on knowing about you or caring about what you like.

His reaction is also troubling. You explain that you feel like the gift doesn’t reflect you and instead of acknowledging that he’s decided that you’re in the wrong and is making excuses as to why you’re at fault and he isn’t.

I can guarantee that when you really care about people you observe things like what they routinely wear and you apologize when you’re confronted by your partner feeling like you’re dialing it in. He did none of that.

I see a lot of this type of issue in your future and I’d counsel you to pay more attention going forward when it comes to how much your boyfriend is listening to you and paying attention to you. 

Odd-Tangerine1630 −  OMG, what is it with people on here voting Y T A?! Am I missing something? First of all, bf chose the setting for gift giving to be public. If he hadn’t wanted to risk a potentially negative reaction to the gift to be seen by others, he should’ve chosen a more private setting. 

Second of all, OP never wears gold jewelry. And even if the bf doesn’t think it to be a noticeable feature to keep in mind when shopping for jewelry, OP clearly sees his dismissive attitude towards something that is important to OP and  should be important to the bf as hurtful.

It’s like I see my SO only ever eat a specific kind of cereal for breakfast. They run out, ask me to shop for more and I come home with a completely different brand because knowing my SO eats cereal for breakfast is enough paying attention on my part.

And last but not least, I can subscribe to the concept of expressing gratitude for receiving gifts even if the gift itself isn’t what the receiver wants. But that’s it. There’ll be no faking enthusiasm for gifts that didn’t land. It’ll be “Thanks for the gift, aunt Joy. It’s not really what I wanted, but thank you for thinking of me.”

Trick_Photograph9758 −  YTA There are tactful ways to let him know in the future that you prefer silver over gold, and you just acted like an AH. Maybe he thinks you can’t afford gold, and that’s why you wear silver. Maybe he just doesn’t pay close attention to stuff like that. Regardless, you should just graciously accept a gift given in good spirit.

Miss_Honesty_ −  NTA, after three years, he should have known that you never wear gold. Why give you an expensive gift if he haven’t even bothered to look at all the existing jewelry you have to see what might suit you?

Having a birthday with a nice gift only to discover that in the end he didn’t make the effort to know what you like / look at what you wear every day / .. and give you something very expensive without even checking is disappointing.

I understand the reaction, you did not overreact. He could have directly offered to trade it or something like that instead of becoming frustrated.

Should she have appreciated the thought more, or does he need to pay closer attention? Share your thoughts below!