AITA for “being totally unfair” to my mom’s husband’s family by not showing up for a family meal?

A Reddit user (16F) shared a tough situation with her stepfather Ted and his family. Ted, who has been in her life for seven years, often criticizes her biological father, who struggles with mental illness, and dismisses her connection to him.

Ted’s family also speaks negatively about her dad and recently hinted that her own mental health struggles are related to her “rejecting” Ted as her father. When she declined to attend a family dinner with them, they accused her of being unfair and treating them poorly. Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for “being totally unfair” to my mom’s husband’s family by not showing up for a family meal?’

My (16f) mom has been married to her husband for 7 years. My dad has been out of my life for almost as many years. But even before my mom and “Ted” got married he wasn’t a big part of my life. You see, my dad is mentally ill. There’s a family history of it on his side of my family.

He’s got it bad and isn’t capable of being a good dad or really a reliable person. Last I remember of him he couldn’t really take care of himself. BUT and this is a big thing, I still love him and I have some good memories of him.

Ted as a stepfather, I call him my mom’s husband, is deserves of better or not good depending on your view overall. He provides for me, calls me his daughter, tries to spend time with me, offered to adopt me and provide for me well into the future.

I said no to the adoption and didn’t really let the incentive of being provided for long term sway me. My reason for this is due to how often he talks s**t about my dad. My mom lets him so I have issues with her too. But the focus of my post is more about Ted and his extended family.

Ted is always so fast to remind me that my dad chose illness over me. That he has never paid child support and has a lot of child support debt to his name. He discouraged me looking at photos of my dad or his side of the family and would tell me he was a better choice for dad and his family were a way better family.

Ted’s family also repeat this to me a lot. I get reminded every time I see them that Ted stuck around, Ted stepped up, Ted isn’t some “crazy waste of life” which is what they call my dad.

Last year it was clear I had inherited the mental illness gene. My mental illness is OCD. I got really bad because of it. A part of me always knew I was different. I had strict rules for stuff most people didn’t think twice about. Like making my bed, writing, bathing/showering.

I also freaked out a lot if I couldn’t make things fit okay in my school binder or books/video games on my shelf. My mom and Ted saw it too but mom didn’t want to believe I could be ill and Ted believed his influence could prevent it. A crisis at the start of the year proved it all wrong and I got diagnosed.

I spent some time doing inpatient because of how bad it got. When I got home and Ted was alone with me or me and my half siblings, I’d hear his family talk about me in ways that made me so uncomfortable. They said rejecting him made me sick because it pushed me more toward dad than Ted.

Ted’s parents wanted to have a big family dinner yesterday and I was told repeatedly they wanted me there. By them directly and Ted and my mom. I chose not to go and I said I could not get off my planner right now. Which is true. But I just knew I couldn’t be around them.

My mom and Ted weren’t happy and they said I had no trouble going off my planner to see my grandparents (mom’s parents) or my three uncles and cousins. They told me I was being totally unfair to Ted’s family by not showing up and treating them like they’re not family.. AITA?

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

Lady_Fel001 −  I read to “chose illness” and stopped there. NTA. Whatever it is, NTA.

AlleyOKK93 −  The “chose illness” comment makes me wonder if your father is also abusing drugs. Because that’s the gentle way of explaining it to kids.

fireflynina −  NTA. You have the right to set boundaries, especially when Ted and his family are constantly belittling your dad and making you uncomfortable. So. not attending the dinner was taking care of yourself, and it’s totally valid to feel more comfortable with other relatives who don’t judge or pressure you. :

SScrivner −  NTA .Who else has suspicions that his family were about to give some sort of intervention to OP? The emphasis on her showing up, the disbelief in the severity of the mental illness or the belief that it can be cured if only she fully accepted Ted and his family sets my alarm bells ringing.

AGirlHasNoGame_ −  Absolutely NTA, you need to protect your mental health. You do not need to spend time with people who have such ridiculous and false ideas about mental health, it would be bad for you. The fact that theyre all thinking and saying your diagnosis couldve been avoided if you spent more with Ted. WTF. “Love cant cure mental illness” ‘–Heartstopper.

Aint enough hugs, or father daughter days in the worlds to prevent mental illness from displaying in those with a mental illness. You can treat it not prevent it. Being around people like this would only worsen your mental health not improve it.

Champi_Feuille −  Ted is always so fast to remind me that my dad chose illness over me. Yeah no NTA. This dude is a first class m**on. I read everything and he’s an a**hole. I wouldn’t want to be part of his ableist family either – and your mom should defend you instead of letting them talk s**t like that. She really is the mother of the year.

Special_Lychee_6847 −  They said rejecting him made me sick because it pushed me more toward dad than Ted. Sorry to be the one to tell you… but Ted and his family sound mentally unstable.. NTA.

Pick a calm moment to talk to your mom one on one, and explain that them all teaming up on you to trash talk your dad (like illness is a choice) to you, and them pretending you choose to have OCD is seriously affecting your mental health, and making you have zero interest in interacting with them. Your dad and mental illness is off limits, as far as conversations with Ted’s family go.. And Ted needs to back off, too.. 2 more years….

shzllshz −  i hope your ocd can be treated at least make sure it’s not interrupting your daily activities

Prinny85 −  “Chose illness” are they real?! NTA at all. On the plus side only a couple of years until you can move out and lower/cut contact with whoever you want.

InternationalTexan71 −  NTA. But they sure are. Please make sure your therapist or doctor knows what they’re saying, because they are directly undermining your treatment in their efforts to control and manipulate you. Meanwhile, sincerely, begin making plans to take care of yourself from the moment you legally can.

Make sure you have possession of your birth certificate, social security card, passport, any official documents of that nature. If you trust your grandparents to keep them safe for you, keep them over there. Or maybe ask them to open a safe deposit box for you that your mother and stepfather don’t have access to.

This sounds like an incredibly toxic situation for you. If living with your grandparents is an option, might be worth considering. You’re 16. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Hang in there. I’m so sorry you’re having to handle all this.

Do you think the user was justified in choosing not to attend the family dinner, given the dynamics with her stepfather’s family? How would you handle a similar situation with family pressures and boundaries? Share your thoughts below!