AITA for being fed up with my husbands tornado messes

A Reddit user shares their frustration with their husband’s disregard for cleanliness in their home. Despite repeated requests, he continues to leave messes everywhere, and the user feels overwhelmed by the constant need to clean up after him.

After 13 years together, she’s at her breaking point and wonders if her expectations are unreasonable. Should she be more understanding, or is it fair to expect him to contribute to maintaining the household? Read the original story below…

‘ AITA for being fed up with my husbands tornado messes’

There are three bathrooms in this house. Two of them are out of commission and one has a broken sink. I have been asking my husband to put back up the curtain rod for months. There’s old tires in the car port, bottles of oil the porch is destroyed… I feel like there’s no point in cleaning my house anymore because he destroys all order I create.

I asked him to pass me a diaper for the baby come back to the bedroom to find ALL OF THE BINS taken out of the closet, left all over the bedroom floor, his pants will be in the babies clothes bin and the babies clothes in the diaper bin. Just all of the order I create trashed because he went to get a diaper.

Now imagine that’s how it is every time he does anything. What I’m asking is, even if you’re really conservative and traditional about gender roles in the house, and you believe that the woman is supposed to clean up. Aren’t there still some things a man is supposed to do to take care of his home to make it look nice?

It can’t all be up to me right? Is it unreasonable that I expect if you’re making yourself coffee that there’s not pools of coffee all over the counter with grinds and sugar just peppered all over the counters and floors? Cups and spoons everywhere and all the spices taken out of the cabinet and put all over?

It seems strangely excessive even if you think a woman should be cleaning up after a man, do normal people even CREATE those kinds of messes? Am I crazy? And shouldn’t he be taking care of the lawn? Keeping the tool sheds organized? Making sure the house isn’t breaking down?

Now look i want to be clear he works a lot and is very tired often. But i try to tell him that’s why you don’t make wild and crazy messes because if you’re neat and orderly about the way you go through your day you don’t have huge messes to clean after. But he just gets mad and defensive.

He says what ever he has to say so I shut up and nothing changes it’s been 13 years I love him and he’s good to me but I am losing my mind because I feel like we aren’t going to have a house by the time that we pay off the mortgage.

I have lost all energy to try to clean up because I feel like he wouldn’t care if this place looked like a crack house he’d be the same and I could make it look very nice and he wouldn’t notice and he would trash it he would never try to maintain any cleanliness or order I create.

I love him but I’m at my wits end and I don’t know what to do I have tried talking with him, showing him, asking nicely, begging him, and now I’ve been getting very upset and yelling and threatening to leave him… AITA? Ask me anything about his side of the story I know there’s two sides to everything and I want to be objective and fair. But this is just the situation

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Unhappy-Prune-9914 −  NTA – But we all keep seeing posts about weaponized incompetence and single married mothers. I would get a job and start saving some money. This sounds bad and I don’t see too many situations where it gets better.

lilacglory −  NTA. The man does not respect you. Nor does he share the same values. In traditional gender roles, men are expected to be the leaders in the house and to love their spouse. Purposefully creating mess isn’t fitting to either of those ideals. And if he’s not adhering to his part of these roles why should you?

mmariacastro −  NTA. I believe in gender roles yes, I want to take care of my husband and kids. HOWEVER my husband does not make a mess! It has to be two ways, the same way I understand he works longer hours and has less time than I do and therefore I do most of the cleaning and cooking,

he understands that my job does not have to be harder than it already is and always tries to be neat and tidy. In his free time, he fixes things around the house, does maintenance, takes care of the lawn, cars, bills, etc.

We moved about 4 months ago to a bigger older house and he has made house improvements for me everywhere (new laundry room, showers, door hinges, grout, silicone, etc). I’m now 35 weeks pregnant and he is doing everything by himself (he’s exhausted) since the doctor told me to rest. No questions asked. He also enjoys a clean house.. This is just disrespectful.

Total_Inflation_7898 −  He’s not good to you. Really, he’s not.

Shoddy_Aspect_7460 −  This is going to be very unpopular. Every single post I’m reading speaks about a person you wouldn’t want to work with, you wouldn’t want to live with but “I love him” or “he’s a great guy.” The reality is these are not great guys or girls or you wouldn’t be here.

Love is not enough. It’s about respect. It’s about caring for the other person and it should be reciprocated. If you’re not getting that love, respect and care from your partner, then talk to your partner.

If he/she is not willing to correct HIS/HER behavior, that’s your answer about his/her thoughts on reciprocating care in non-s**ual ways. You either accept it or don’t- and start making your plan to leave. You decide whether you want to live with an adult toddler.

Dunesgirl −  I think you want posters here to tell you it’s time to start making an exit strategy. Which it likely is. Obviously, you don’t want to live like this. Find a partner who respects you and won’t be content to live in a pigsty. You deserve better.

Bouche_Audi_Shyla −  He does this on purpose, to keep you in your place. How dare you suggest he man up and take responsibility for his family and your (collective) things? Take two male people. Same looks, same education, same job, same interests. One comes home from work, showers (maybe), and parks in front of the TV, hollering for a beer and his dinner.

After dinner, he leaves his dirty dishes, and goes to hang out with the guys, not to return until the baby is safely asleep. Then he berates his wife because she’s too tired to be his s** toy.

The other comes home, takes the baby outside for a walk so the mom can sit still for 15 minutes. Then he takes his shower, and starts supper.
After supper, he either cleans the kitchen while the mom takes bath time, or takes bath time while the mom cleans the kitchen. Both put the baby to bed. He plays a video game, and his wife sits next to him, knitting.. Pick one.

pixie-ann −  NTA you might love him but do you really want the rest of your life to be like this? It’s sounds unbearably chaotic and dirty and messy and he is seemingly making zero effort to change.

How many kids do you have? Do you honestly think he is a good role model for them? Think hard about divorce. If you don’t want this to be your life then you need to take steps to prevent that from being the case.

Sea_Palpitation4302 −  It sounds like your raising 2 kids.

Still_Rutabaga706 −  He’s not being the man and fixing the 2 bathrooms. Why should you be the woman and clean up after this giant infant?

Household dynamics can be tricky, especially when it feels like one person is doing all the work. Do you think the user’s expectations for shared responsibility are fair, or should she be more understanding of her husband’s exhaustion? How do you balance cleaning and maintenance duties in a relationship? Share your thoughts below!