AITA for being ‘disgusted’ because my gf doesn’t wash her hair for weeks?

A man (28M) who recently moved in with his girlfriend (25F) after a long-distance relationship expressed discomfort about her not washing her hair for weeks, citing a smell that bothered him. His girlfriend, who is Black, explained that frequent washing can damage her hair, and called him ignorant and racist for his comments.

He apologized and admitted his ignorance about Black hair care, but tensions remain high as she now washes her hair daily and blames him for potential hair damage. He seeks an outside perspective, wondering if he’s truly in the wrong. read the original story below…

‘ AITA for being ‘disgusted’ because my gf doesn’t wash her hair for weeks?’

I understand this is a very sensitive subject and I want to preface by saying I am approaching this as delicately as possible. Any ignorance on my part is not malicious but simply because I don’t know.

I (28m) was in a long distance relationship with my gf (25f) for several months before we decided to take the plunge and move in together. She now lives with me. Before she lived with me, we could only visit each other one weekend every month but we called and texted everyday.

She moved in with me about 6 weeks ago. For relevant context, I am white and my girlfriend is black. We live a very active lifestyle and we regularly workout, hike, bike, etc. I started to notice that after she would work out and shower, her hair would not be wet and still in braids.

I have a sister and I know women don’t always wash their hair everyday so I figured it was that. But then I noticed she still didn’t wash her hair the next week either. Her hair is absolutely beautiful and I love her curls, but whenever I got near her head I could smell that her scalp/hair were dirty and unclean.

I personally am very sensitive about smells, especially the smell of a dirty scalp. I have to wash my hair every 1-2 days because I cannot stand the smell of buildup. More time passed and it had now been weeks since my girlfriend washed her hair and while it might be mean to say, I was honestly disgusted.

The smell was really bothering me and I brought up the issue to her which caused her to fly off the handle. Granted, I might not have gone about it the best way. I basically asked her point blank when the last time she washed her hair was because it kind of smells bad.

She looked at me like I was insane and immediately started calling me r**ist and ignorant. She informed me black women’s hair is different and doesn’t require frequent washing because it can dry out and damage the follicles.

I told her I understand haircare for black women is different, but that doesn’t mean her scalp or hair magically stays clean and doesn’t smell after not washing out the dirt, sweat, oils, and buildup for weeks.

This led to her calling me “a dumb f**king r**ist” and she kept repeating how ignorant and stupid I am. This has really cut me deep because I do not believe I am r**ist. Ignorant is fair because that is true, I grew up in a predominantly white area and my past girlfriends have all been exclusively white or asian with straight hair texture.

I had no exposure and I don’t see why a white guy not knowing about black women haircare is r**ist. Things with my girlfriend are tense. She has been washing her hair everyday and saying she will blame me for how damaged her hair becomes because I have made her so insecure about the smell.

I have apologized profusely but things still aren’t well. I guess I just want an outside perspective. Edit: For clarity, she did not wash her hair for 5 weeks. This past week she has been washing her hair every day.

Edit 2: For clarity on the conversation, I did not call her ‘disgusting’ to her face but I felt disgusted by the dirty smell and lack of showering for 5 weeks. I said something along the lines of “Hey when was the last time you washed your hair? To be honest it smells a bit bad babe.”

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

Fun_Mathematician476 −  Black girl here, depending on her hair type, yes hair care is very different. Curly hair is usually washed 1-2 a week, but 4a to 4c hair is washed once every two weeks, and once every 3 weeks in braids. Also, we use different moisturisers that can smell “strange” if you’re not used to it.

I don’t doubt that maybe her hair was smelly considering your active lifestyle, but the way you went about it was wrong. Also, if you can’t handle someone not washing their hair for three weeks especially in braids, then don’t date black girls.

Our hair just doesn’t need to be washed as often…(unless she is sweating a lot w activities). I also hope she stops washing it every day because that is not going to end well. Edit: everyone who keeps bringing up the 5 weeks – please understand that it is an edit and when I commented on this post it was not there! Thank you! 

adeelf −  I’m not going to pass judgement, because I don’t know enough about this topic to say anything. There are many comments here pointing out the challenges black women face with hair care, so I’ll take their word for it.

What I will say, though, is that it’s a hell of a jump to go from being in a long-distance relationship where you only see each other 2 days a month to living together. I also don’t see much of a future in a relationship where one partner thinks the other is “a dumb f**king r**ist.”

ArtemisRises19 −  How did I immediately know this was about a black woman lol. Listen, YTA for how you approached this as if she is dirty, etc instead of asking about her routine to learn more prior to judgment.

Black hair has historically been demonized as dirty and smelly because it doesn’t require the same wash protocols as caucasian hair etc. It’s a deeply cultural component of the black experience and you’d serve yourself well to do a little online reading on the subject.

I also suspect that her hair doesn’t smell or have build up to the extent you’re portraying given the significant differences in black hair texture and oil production, and the way it deals with sweat.

Your admitted sensitivity to “dirty scalp” has me wondering if you’re amplifying the issue because you \*expect\* someone to wash their hair more frequently than she does. I also wonder if what you’re smelling is in fact black hair care products that support a healthy and clean scalp for black hair.

Joubachi −  calling me a “dumb f**king r**ist” I still can’t grasp how the Y T A votes have her back after that one and her continueing to insult you. A partner insulting me like that would be a dealbreaker. You didn’t approach it sensitively though to be honest.

But honestly I can get behind being affected by certain smells. Torn between ESH and NTA based on that. She is definitely an AH for her reaction. ETA: OP already confirmed she didn’t wash her head in at least 5 weeks, while being physically active a lot in a hot climate…*

ShiShi340 −  NTA I’m a black woman with type 4 hair and I wash once a week. I’m sorry this is just poor hygiene. Gf isn’t the ah for being offended but I don’t think you commenting on the fact that there is a smell coming from her scalp is r**ist.

MarcSpector1701 −  If my girlfriend called me “a dumb f**king r**ist” because I was forced to mention that her hair smells so bad I’m being grossed out, well…I’d d**p her.

amycouldntcareless −  I’m Black/Asian with very curly coarse hair so I will tell you a bit from my perspective. Generally, people with curly hair are encouraged to wash infrequently as shampoo does dry out our hair and the after-hairwash routine can take hours.

That being said, the scalp is still skin and it can affect hair growth if it is not cleaned/maintained properly. I wash my hair when it feels right; for me this is twice a week but it is different for everyone.

It should never get to the point where those around you are noticing a smell and your scalp is flaky and itchy; this is just n**lect. Keep in mind I have type 3 curls and I’m assuming your gf has type 4 hair since you said it was in braids.

There are ways to wash/refresh the scalp without taking the braids out to keep it smelling and feeling fresh. You can read more about curl types in your own time. I think it might also be a good idea to talk to other black ladies in your life to get their perspective.

I personally don’t think it is r**ist of you to be disgusted by a dirty scalp, but it may have been ignorant with the way you worded it. She also jumped the gun by immediately calling you r**ist and insane so I’ll say ESH.

Jenos00 −  NTA. Lack of Hygiene isn’t a style choice you need to accept. Claiming that lack of Hygiene is ok because of your race isn’t ok either. That said people with very curly hair do not wash it is often due to the logistics issues,

if it is unhygienic and actually foul smelling it does need to be washed though. Hair won’t get damaged by using the proper products though.

hadMcDofordinner −  NTA And all the people calling you r**ist are just missing the point. Your gf’s head smells bad. She is in a relationship and living with that person. If her hair smells bad, then it needs cleaning. It’s not about how long she goes without washing it, it’s about how long it stays (relatively) clean.

The way you questioned her might not have been the most diplomatic but you were letting your disgust talk. Her reaction was over the top but I can see why initially she would have been insulted.

Depending on lifestyle and things like weather, if your head smells bad, it needs washing, no matter your skin color nor your type of hair. Soft NTA Be diplomatic about hygiene issues in the future. ‘)

UnknownRider121 −  This is a tough one. I don’t think anyone is an a**hole here, but you are ignorant. I’m a mixed black woman and I wash my hair every week or two because you don’t understand how damaged black hair and scalp will be if wash so frequently, especially if there is any heat involved.

And her reaction is probably due to centuries of societal pressure of black women being compared white standards. Of course she will be sensitive. Maybe this just isn’t a match if you can’t get over her hair. As a side, you might want to watch Good Hair by Chris Rock if you want to learn more on the topic.

Is his concern about hygiene valid, or should he have approached the topic with more sensitivity given the cultural and practical differences in hair care? Does her reaction suggest deeper frustration about being misunderstood? What do you think? Share your thoughts below!