AITA for being disappointed in my siblings gender?

A 20-year-old shared their disappointment after learning their mother’s fifth child would be another girl, expressing they had hoped for a brother after raising three sisters. Though they quickly moved past the disappointment, their mother reacted angrily, calling them ungrateful and barring them from the house.

Now, the sibling is dealing with guilt and exhaustion as their mother oscillates between insults and pleas for help with childcare, while their 17-year-old sister is planning to move in with them. read the original story below…

‘ AITA for being disappointed in my siblings gender?’

Last week my mum had a small, intimate gender reveal for myself and my 3 other sisters. For context I am 20 and I don’t live at home but I am here every day, my other sisters are 17, 5, and 3. Since I was 5 I’ve raised my siblings which hasn’t been a problem for me, my mum has had a really rough time but has gotten a lot better, she just needs help.

When I found out she was pregnant with the 5th I was pretty excited, as exhausted as I am I thought maybe this would finally be the boy. Surprise… it wasn’t. I was pretty disappointed, I’ve raised 3 girls so far and I was hoping maybe this time I would get the brother we’ve been waiting on.

I had a bit of a cry and quickly got over it and knew I would love her the same as all the other girls. My mum, however, lost her s**t. She called me an ungrateful c*nt and said I was horrible, she was just as upset as I was but apparently I was the bad person because I had a bit of gender disappointment.

Long story short I’ve been told I am not allowed back at her house and to stay at my own. That’s exactly what I did and now she’s been begging me to come back and watch the girls,

my 17 year old sister can drive but obviously goes to school so she’s been dropping by every day and bringing things over slowly to start staying at mine permanently (legally she’s allowed to do this so that’s fine and I’m happy for her to, she works and we’ve already spoken about her chipping in for rent).

I’ve not had a moment of silence from my mother calling and texting calling me names and then apologising and begging me to come back. I really don’t know what to do.
Also I’m very sorry if this was written badly, I haven’t slept for days and have been so emotionally exhausted on top of that from all of the things that have transpired over the week..

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

Fearless_Spring5611 −  NTA, your feelings are valid – and there are a lot of stories about people being upset or worried or concerned about gender reveals. It seems clear that your mother is expecting you to act as a parent once again to another sibling, so I think there’s more here than just disappointment at not having a brother – more that you’re about to be expected to give up even more years of your life to care for a kid that isn’t yours.

I have to be honest – use this opportunity to break free of these unfair carer responsibilities. Give your sisters the invite to come to yours if they need to get away for an afternoon, vent, just visit and be sisters – it’s really good to see you’re doing this for 17, but do make sure 5 & 3 know you’re not disappearing from their lives, just starting to sort out your own adulthood now.

That you still love them and will be there for them. As for your mother, I get the feeling there is no father(s) in the picture. It sounds like she may need some support in looking after all these children – formal social support, charitable support, nurseries/afterschool clubs etc.

She needs to sort this s**t herself, she’s a grown-up and needs to act like the parent to all of you, but there’s nothing wrong with you making a silent referral to services if you are concerned she cannot cope or manage. But keeping low-contact right now will give you the get-out you need, tough as it may be on you.. Good luck. You’ve got this.

Backgrounding-Cat −  Why on earth everyone thinks more kids is good since they can’t take care of existing kids?

Nester1953 −  The bigger picture here is that your mother is failing to raise her own children,, and has her oldest child do the work for her. Yet she continues to make more and more babies (for her other children to raise). As I see it, your gender disappointment is irrelevant to what’s been going on in your family.

It is not OK for you, a 20 year old woman, to be put in the position of caring for a constant stream of little children produced and handed to you by your mother. Her children are her responsibility, not your responsibility.

At 20, you should have the opportunity to develop your own life, not be a surrogate mother to a woman who won’t stop cranking out babies she won’t raise herself. I’d like to give you some simple, direct advice. Don’t go back. You have already devoted years of your life missing out on the life you could and should have been leading in order to raise your siblings.

It’s enough. Your mother’s reaction to your gender disappointment was unhinged. I’m sorry, but it wasn’t the reaction of a well-balanced woman who should be incredibly grateful that you’ve sacrificed your own life to raise her many children. And now she’ll say anything to get you back so, once again, her children will be your responsibility.

You are not their mother. You love them and you care about them, of course you do, but you have been raising them like a mother. You are the sister, and you have been exploited. I think that you and your 17 year old sister both deserve to grow up and not raise children until you are ready to have children of your own, should you choose to have them.

And to do that, you cannot live in your mother’s home. Don’t go back. Let your mother figure out how to raise her own children. And for the love of God, let her please stop having children she then makes other children raise. This is terrible, terrible parenting, and you, OP, who sound like a lovely, giving person, have been living the dictionary definition of parentification.. It stops now.. NTA

Blushiba −  I’m more shocked at how casually you speak of ‘raising’ your sisters. Parents are supposed to raise ALL their children.

Otherwise_Degree_729 −  NTA. Use this to distance yourself. Your mother shouldn’t be having kids if she can’t raise them. Your sister is 17 years old and moving her s**t out because she doesn’t want to be a parent.

Your “mother” shouldn’t be allowed to have children regardless of the gender if she isn’t able to raise them, let alone five children. That’s too many for most people to manage without support. Where is the father or fathers in all of this?

FantasticCabinet2623 −  Oh look, your mother has met the consequences of her own actions! NTA for being disappointed, because then you put on your big girl pants and got over it. Your mother, on the other hand, has suddenly realized she’s not going to have a convenient little nanny to pawn the consequences of her decision to spawn despite it not being a bright idea, and that is why she is freaking out.

Do not go back, let your mother raise her own damn kid. (Also, you never know. One of your siblings might turn out to be trans and you might just get that brother.)

rose2000_ −  Hi I’m sorry this is happening, I recommend researching parentification and getting into therapy if you are able. Wishing peace and strength!

Training_Winner3659 −  Parentification is a form of abuse. Your reaction to the gender reveal is not the issue. You being a parent since age 5 is. I don’t care what your mom went through, a child should never have parebtal duties thrust upon them.

Get out and stay out. Be a sister, not a mother. As said by another user, keep in touch with your sisters but your mom sounds unhinged. Go live your life, you’ve earned it.

Jazzlike-Bird-3192 −  NTA. You were hoping for a boy but got another girl. You had a cry then chose to be happy about it. Your mum, on the other hand, sounds like a complete and total AH. Why is it your responsibility to raise your siblings? They are her children.

How dare she call you the c word! She the told you to leave. Take her at her word. I’m sorry to be blunt, but it sounds like she’s been taking advantage of you for years. You deserve to live your own life. You do that. Time for mum to step up and be an actual parent rather than just an overactive uterus!. Edited for spelling mistake

Hareikan −  NTA but stay away from your mother. Parenting your siblings should never have been your job, nor should you put up with your mother’s cruelty and lack of appreciation for everything you have done.

You have been parentified by your mother and you will be stuck raising all of her kids, and then presumably take care of *her* as well, if you don’t break away now. Parentification is a serious issue and can lead to trauma later in life, if it hasn’t already. No loving parent would do this to you.

If you don’t want to do it for yourself, do it for your sisters so they have somewhere to escape to when it’s time for them to escape your mother’s a**sive tendencies.
For the record, being called names and getting yelled at for having an emotion is not normal. You should block your mother’s number.

Is it fair for parents to expect ongoing help from adult children? What would you do in this situation? Share your thoughts below!