AITA for being anxious that my girlfriend borrows money and never pays it back

A Reddit user shares their concern about lending money to their girlfriend of five years, especially since she hasn’t repaid a previous loan. Despite offering her financial support, including rent-free living.

The girlfriend continues to struggle with money management. This led to tension between them after the user expressed anxiety about lending more money. Was the user wrong to feel anxious? Read the original story below…

‘ AITA for being anxious that my girlfriend borrows money and never pays it back’

My girlfriend and I have been dating for 5 years. We’ve never broken up during that time, but have kept separate residences and separate finances. For the first 4 years of our relationship, we made around the same amount of money working our office jobs.

I noticed that she always was stressed about money and always seemed to run out, even as I was saving money each month. She probably spends more than me on eating out, spray tans, makeup, etc. but we always split things we do together 50/50.

Well, this summer she lost her job. She’s been on unemployment ever since and has been scraping by. I’ve offered to have her move in with me to pay $0 rent, but she’s refused. She hasn’t gotten a new job and doesn’t seem to be trying to. I lent her $1000 in the fall for necessary expenses, and she hasn’t paid me back any of it.

Now she wants to borrow another $300 to fix her car. I lent it but I was visibly very anxious about this because I feel like I’ll never see that money again. And I worry about building a life with someone who’s probably bad with finances and may drain my already very modest bank account.

She noticed and we got in a big argument about it. She says that I obviously don’t trust her and that she doesn’t know how to be in a relationship with someone who can’t talk about money without getting anxious.

I don’t why I get so anxious but it might be because I have no fallbacks in life. My parents can’t help, I paid my own college with student loans that I’m paying back. I want to be able to survive in life and I need funds to do that. AITA?

Check out how the community responded:

sadmep −  YTA – To yourself. But this is a learning lesson. Important life lessons: \- Don’t loan people money that you yourself need. \- Don’t “loan” money to friends and family.

Consider that money gone as soon as it leaves your hands, if you followed tip #1 you can just considering it a bonus if they do pay you back. \- If your gf breaks up with you because you won’t loan her money, that’s not your GF and you’re a paycheck.

Repulsive-Plane9429 −  You were willing to let her live with you rent free but have an issue with her not paying back 1300…. You realize if she lived with you rent free you would be paying for everything and spending so much more on her 

clambroculese −  YTA. If you have concerns about her financial smarts that’s valid. It’s also valid if you feel like she’s coasting, but only you can answer whether you want to continue with the relationship. IMO at 5 years you shouldn’t be waffling though. But the reason I say you’re the a**hole is that you know she’s not working,

so how exactly did you expect her to pay you back the money you’d already lent her? Whether you loan her the rest or not is your call but expecting her to have already paid you back without having gotten a job yet is unreasonable. Personally I don’t loan money to those close to me, if they need help I will just give them the money but loans amongst significant others always end badly.

East_Parking8340 −  Talk about shifting blame. People get worried about many things. I suspect you are not financially compatible with each other – she‘s a spendthrift and you’re a saver. Strongly suggest you don’t ‘lend’ her any more money – she’s unlikely to pay you the 1300 she’s already taken.
Don‘t think she’s the one for you.. NTA

TemptingPenguin369 −  NTA. Be glad she didn’t take you up on your offer of living with you rent-free! You have very different approaches to spending and saving, and ultimately that most likely means you’re not compatible. I also doubt you’ll get your money back, since she’s not trying to get a new job.

P35HighPower −  Tell her because you had to build yourself up on your own and are not yet where you want to be you get anxious regarding money in general. It’s not her specifically it’s finances in general.

Question time just because this stands out and is confusing: Five years, separate residences, separate finances, she lost her job and is having a hard time making the bills but doesn’t want to move in with you after five years. So what exactly do you and does she see as the future of this relationship?

Beetin −  ESH: If you lend $1300 to someone on unemployment, they aren’t going to pay you back until they have a job. Don’t give them $1300 AND make them feel like s**t about the prospects of getting the money back. Your girlfriend says “she doesn’t know how to be in a relationship with someone who can’t talk about money without getting anxious.”

But is asking you for $1300 that they must know they won’t pay back in the forseeable future, and got upset when you expressed anxiety about it being paid back? Sounds like a lot of projection. Neither of you are deciding if you are separate residences and finances, or intertwined money and living together, and you are both waffling with the worst of both options.

You should have either supported her, or kept to your boundaries and said no, and continue dating her in the independent way that’s been going on for 5 years, but this worst half of both is unfair to both parties.

MissingPerson321 −  NTA – I will get downvotes for this, but… I have taught all my sons that you should never share finances and everything is 50/50. Money is not love. Do not loan someone money you can not afford to lose and anyone who guilts you into giving them money, is not showing respect for your boundaries and your own financial well being.

Now, should you meet someone who wants the whole submissive wife life, and you want a whole dominant male provider thing, great.. if you can afford it. Still though, money is not love and love is not money.

She might be struggling in the depression of having been fired, but you won’t do her any favors if you give it to her, especially after she got upset because now you are just showing her where you are willing to let her guilt you. I know you love her, but don’t forget to be there for yourself.

shontsu −  Financial incompatibility is one of the leading reasons for divorce. How are you going to feel when/if you get married and share finances and suddenly your savings are disappearing on frivolities?

Timely-Profile1865 −  She is doing all the borrowing and is beaking at you about it?. I’d be planning an exit strategy. You are helping her a lot, she is not taking your advice about moving in has no job and is questioning the relationship? You are the one who should be doing so. Too bad you will lose your money as no way will she ever pay you back.

She can either look after herself or she can’t you are throwing good money out and her attitude sounds very bad. She is a girlfriend, not a fiance, not a wife. If your girl is not making your life better go find another girl, there are TONS of nice single gals out there at any given time and most are easily replaceable.

Money struggles can place a huge strain on relationships, especially when trust is involved. Do you think the user’s concerns about lending money were valid, or should they have been more understanding of their girlfriend’s situation? How would you handle finances in a long-term relationship? Share your thoughts below!