AITA for becoming indifferent towards my wife after discovering her affair?
When betrayal shatters a long-held belief in unconditional love, the emotional aftermath can take unpredictable turns. Our OP, a 30-year-old man married for five years out of an eight-year relationship, discovered his wife’s affair—a discovery that hit him like a punch in the stomach. Over the course of two months, he quietly gathered evidence of her infidelity, all while maintaining a facade of normalcy.
The slow, steady accumulation of pain and betrayal eventually transformed his deep love into cold indifference. When he finally confronted his wife, instead of erupting in anger, he calmly proposed a divorce, leaving her stunned by his lack of emotion. Now, he wonders: Am I the asshole for becoming indifferent toward my wife after discovering her affair?
‘ AITA for becoming indifferent towards my wife after discovering her affair?’
Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist specializing in relationship trauma, notes, “When one partner experiences a profound betrayal, the emotional fallout can lead to what we call ‘emotional numbing.’ It’s a defense mechanism—where the intensity of love is replaced by indifference—so that the person can avoid further pain. While it might appear cold, it is often a self-protective response to a deep violation of trust.” (kidshealth.org)
Family therapist Dr. Susan Johnson adds, “In long-term relationships, emotional investments run deep. However, when those investments are shattered by repeated betrayals, it’s not unusual for one partner’s feelings to turn into indifference. This reaction is not inherently malicious—it’s a coping strategy. Of course, ideally, couples should work through their issues, but when trust is broken to such an extent, choosing to move on is a legitimate decision.”
Both experts emphasize that while reconciliation can be a noble goal, it’s not always possible when the emotional damage is profound. The OP’s indifference, though it may seem harsh to some, reflects a natural and protective response to enduring betrayal.
Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:
Many redditors empathize with the OP, stating that if you’re repeatedly betrayed by the one you love, indifference isn’t just natural—it’s sometimes the only way to protect yourself. “After years of hurt, it’s understandable that your emotions would shut down,” one commenter remarked.
Ultimately, the OP’s decision to let his love turn to indifference in the wake of infidelity is a deeply personal response to a significant betrayal. While his wife sees it as cold and heartless, many agree that after years of deep emotional investment, feeling nothing may be the healthiest way to protect oneself from further pain.
Is it acceptable to let love fade into indifference when trust is broken, or should one always strive to fight for the relationship despite the wounds? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below—what would you do if you found yourself in a similar situation?