AITA for banning my husband’s female friend from our house?

A woman has been dealing with racist and insensitive remarks from her husband’s long-time friend, Mary. After a particularly hurtful incident at a BBQ where Mary insulted her culture, she banned Mary from their house. However, her husband believes she’s being too sensitive, and it turns out there was more to the situation than she realized—her husband and Mary had an affair during the first years of their relationship. Now, the woman is packing and preparing to leave him. Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for banning my husband’s female friend from our house?’

I (27F) have been married with my husband (M32) for three years and haven been dating for a little over 5. My husband has this friend (F31) ‘Mary’. They’ve known each other since they were in high school and she’s considered ‘one of the boys’, if you may.

That basically means she’s always invited to all the fishing trips and stuff, which I don’t mind at all, I trust my husband. Well, my problems with Mary started when she first found out I’m half Romanian.

It started kinda innocently, with her asking me to say certain words, teach her some insults etc which didn’t necessarily bother me, but it usually put me on the spot whenever we were out with my husband’s group of friends.

It only escalated to her googling stuff about Romania and asking me ‘are you a vampire? do you bite your husband by the neck?’ to ‘are you a gypsy? I bet you’ve got some of that gypsy blood in you’ (which is just blatantly r**ist)

Last week, me and my husband organised a mini BBQ with our friends and Mary was invited by my husband despite me telling him she makes me uncomfortable. He said he had talked to her about her remarks and she’s been understanding so it’s unlikely she’ll say something this time.

It was midnight and there were about 4 of us left and I accidentally spilled some red wine on Mary’s jeans when I tripped over a carpet. All hell broke loose. Mary started saying that I’m a witch and I’m trying to ruin her life and this whole thing is part of my ritual and I’m just a ‘immigrant gypsy trying to ruin my husband’s life’ and I’ve poisoned my husband against her.

I started crying and profusely apologising. When she wouldn’t drop it, I kicked her out and banned her from ever coming to my house again. AITA for doing this? My husband insists that Mary was just drunk and talking nonsense and he would talk to her. He also told me I’m way too sensitive about my heritage and I’m an a-hole for banning her. Mary has since given me a half hearted apology but I’m still not ok with her.

EDIT: I guess this is the update some of you wanted. Sorry I’m still a mess and idk how coherent I am. We’ve talked. He admitted to being in and out of an affair with Mary in the first 2y of our relationship and she wanted to win him back I guess. I called my mom to come help me pack some stuff and im out. Thats it. Mary can have him I’ve been gaslit for years and it took a reddit post to realise. Oh the irony. thank you reddit.

EDIT2 and probably the last one for a period of time: A lot of people seemed suspicious of Mary and my husband’s friendship/relationship etc and have asked if I ever suspected anything. No, I didn’t. Me and my husband had (or I thought we had) a very strong relationship, based on communication and honesty (guess it only applied to me).

Also, Mary is very close with all the boys in the said friendship group. The other wives raised concerns in the past but they’ve all been shut down by the boys in the group or by Mary herself. I guess I always respected their friendship group because they were very close for so long and it felt unfair to change that because of me.

As far as I’m aware, the other wives feel the same – plus Mary has been in a LD relationship for about 2 years and always claimed she’s focusing on her career, she’s too busy etc so none of us ever saw her as a potential threat.

But now it just makes me think there could be more to this story. But I’m tired, as of right now, I am just exhausted. My Romanian witch blood won’t let me live until I find out the whole truth but I need time.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to reply to my post, message me (even the ones that insulted me further – it was semi-funny) and thank you for the awards! I’m sending virtual hugs to all of you! Aveți grijă de voi!

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

zodiaczack −  NTA. I think your husband needs to re-evaluate the fact that he’d be friends with someone that’s so disrespectful to his own wife

Lunaliii −  NTA. She’s being r**ist and your husband should be standing up for you. Maybe down the line if her behaviour improves and you forgive her you could consider rescinding the ban, but unless that happens you’re doing a reasonable thing and he should be in your corner on this one.

Madam_Cholet −  NTA. Why does your husband want to be friends with someone who is so awful to you?

Character-Blueberry −  NTA. Mary sounds like a r**ist. Maybe she’s jealous there’s another woman in the group now? Her remark about how you’re turning your husband against her makes me think she feel threatened by you. Your husband should be sticking up for you. They both owe you an apology.

SmartCrazy4 −  This sounds like Mary…is acting like a hugely jealous girlfriend. And because her behaviour has been enabled for so long, she feels entitled to threaten whomever she chooses. She dosnt like that you are centre place for you husband. Not her.

Your husband needs to grow a pair here and acknowledge that whatever Mary may have been allowed to get away with before…..that s**t stops NOW. Ask how he would feel if you had a male friend that was allowed to insult him in his own home.while you went away on trips with him? He needs to step in here…and speak to Mary, with you, as a couple.

You both need to make it clear, that non of this BS is acceptable. She is r**ist, offensive, rude and being drunk is never an excuse. She is being nothing more than a toxic bully and that you both have no problem in removing her from your lives. A friend would not do this to her friends wife.

A husband would not put his friend feelings before his wife. Ask your husband which woman he has married. You are not playing mistress to her. She sounds like shes trying to play it to you though. Husband needs to stop enabling her behaviour and making excuses. Mary needs to step off entirely until she can learn to be respectful. Or not be welcome at all. Your house. Your rules. Do not let this go.

Edit…just to add…what exactly do you think she would be like if you had children? They would have a mixed heritage….she going to potentially bully them too? I can just see how this will keep going if you dont stop it…. Second edit…thankyou kind strangers for the awards x

Edit 3: op I have just read your update. Im so sorry you had to find this out in such an awful way. You deserve so much better. Do not think the other wives and girlfriends wont be tearing her down over this, and your husband. It will re evaluate the whole friendship group. Certainly no female in this group will trust her again. Sending you big internet hugs and I wish you a peaceful recovery from this. I truley hope you find happiness in the future xx

nyankoredeyessensei −  NTA. I would seriously have a sit down with your husband and see what the deal is. Your are his WIFE and if he will not defend you against clear bigotry and h**red, then what will he actually stand up for?

[Reddit User] −  ‘are you a vampire? do you bite your husband by the neck?’ to ‘are you a gypsy? I bet you’ve got some of that gypsy blood in you’ this whole thing is part of my ritual and I’m just a ‘immigrant gypsy

**Never** tolerate such aggression. Never ever. React immediately and react hard, at any costs. If you compromise on this, you’re lost, you’ll become a slave. I hope you understand what I mean. It is zero tolerance and immediate hard reaction or it is you losing self esteem, social status and everything.

From my vast experience, the best reaction is to attack the aggressor with his own weapons, questioning his identity and heritage. Re-establishing symmetry. As for your marriage, I’m afraid your husband will have to choose between you and “Mary”. Make no compromise.

[Reddit User] −  Nta, But the fact that your husband glands over her r**ist obnoxious remarks is concerning.. Stay away from that evil.

Sabbatha13 −  NTA, Mary is r**ist and hubby should frow a pair. I would also question him being so protective of her.

[Reddit User] −  NTA but you need to sit your husband down and firmly tell him that he’s being a real j**k and a lousy husband. Honestly you don’t have a husband’s female friend problem because you can’t control what third parties do. But you have a serious husband problem- as your husband, it’s his job to defend and protect you and your feelings and put you first and he’s seriously failing. Did they ever date such that she’s jealous of you or is he just naturally weak? Your husband is TA here.

Discovering the truth behind a situation like this can be painful. Have you ever had a similar experience where you uncovered something shocking about a relationship? Share your thoughts below!