AITA for banning my father from my home because he banned me from his when I was younger?

A Redditor recounts a troubled history with their father, beginning when they were 15 and their father married a woman with whom the Redditor did not get along. The father banned the Redditor from his home, and they stopped seeing him as per the custody schedule.

Years later, the father attempted to reconnect, but the Redditor remained distant. Now an adult with a family of their own, the Redditor keeps their distance, seeing their father only occasionally at the park.

When the father asked why he wasn’t invited to the Redditor’s home, the Redditor responded honestly, explaining their reasons. The father was upset, and the Redditor wonders if they were wrong for not welcoming him into their home. Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for banning my father from my home because he banned me from his when I was younger?’

When I was 15, my father married a woman I just could not get along with. And there was a lot of friction with her daughter as well. Eventually, the fighting got so bad that my father told me that he would exercise his custody at my grandparents house instead, effectively banning me from his own home.

I said thanks but no thanks and stopped seeing him as per the custody schedule. He did make attempts to fix our relationship but I wasn’t interested. We would see each other at family events and we were nice enough to each other but that’s it.

It’s now 13 years later and I’m married with a 1 year old. His wife has passed away in an accident a few years ago and I’m assuming he’s lonely now. But I don’t really want to be his backup plan.

He comes to see my son once a month and I only see him at the park and don’t engage much with him myself. Last December, he point blank asked me why I never invited him to my home for dinner or why I never accepted his invites to visit him. I told him the the truth. He was very upset but it’s the reality of the situation.. Was I the a**hole?

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

pppedro15 −  NTA people keep expecting us sons and daughters to be the bigger person and try to fix the s**ew ups our parents did to our relations, which is something I do not believe is fair. Your actions are direct consequence of his, and it’s his problem to understand and make peace with that.

skd977 −  NTA – he chose his wife and stepdaughter over you. He deserves to know how that hurt you.

evj_831 −  Nta. You reap what you sow. He can never take back his choice but maybe you can if you feel like it.

Ciecie33 −  NTA – He asked, you told him (assuming this was all done civilly). You are certainly being very adult and a very good parent by letting him have a relationship with your son. Good for you.

It is up to you whether you may, one day, decide that you want to try and have a cordial relationship with him. Maybe you might consider asking for some time for a conversation where you get the opportunity to tell him just how it felt, 13 years ago, to have your Dad put his new wife and stepdaughter first, and all the painful emotions that went along with that decision.

That the thought of having visits at your grandparents’ felt like you were an outcast, etc. An indepth conversation with lots of “I felt. ” sentences. Then he might understand just why you are acting as you are now.

I have done the same. I have been advised to not let the opportunity pass you by to speak your mind, because one day the parent will be gone and so will that opportunity. I spoke all my emotions, got everything off my heart. It did feel good. (Didn’t change the relationship. ) edit: thank you for the multiple awards, kind redditors !!!!

sesquepedalian_cat −  I think this one is a mixed bag and you’re both at fault a little. You wrote “Eventually, the fighting got so bad that my father told me that he would exercise his custody at my grandparents house instead, effectively banning me from his own home.”

Should he have just let the fighting continue? The way you explain it, it sounds like you were at fault – at least partially – for all the fighting. (You say you just “couldn’t get along with” the step-mother.) No judgement, you were a teenager. But still. He didn’t “ban” you from his home — although I get why it’s an an effective ban — he asked to see you elsewhere to avoid terrible fighting .

That seems reasonable. You’re the one that then refused to see him. (Maybe you’re leaving out some details?) Also “He did make attempts to fix our relationship but I wasn’t interested.” I’d like to know more about his attempts and why they didn’t work.

From what you wrote, it sounds like you were mostly the one pushing him away. (And I’m also keeping in mind that generally OPs give their own side of the story – but still you haven’t really given any examples of really bad behavior on his part.)

There are a lot of examples of toxic people taking advantage of various OPs in this sub, and lots of people should rightfully cut their toxic relatives out of their lives. But I disagree with a lot of the other commentators here that your dad is one of those toxic people.

If you don’t want to see him, then you don’t want to, and don’t feel obligated to. But if you’re just doing a tit-for-tat “ban,” ask yourself what do you think he should have done differently when you were getting into terrible screaming matches with your step mother and step sister. Just let that continue? Wouldn’t allowing that to continue have been worse? Why didn’t you want to do visitation with him at a different house?

cara180455 −  INFO: When I was 15, my father married a woman I just could not get along with. And there was a lot of friction with her daughter as well. Why couldn’t you get along with her? What was causing the friction between you and her daughter?

Eventually, the fighting got so bad that my father told me that he would exercise his custody at my grandparents house Who was starting the fights? What was the fighting about? Without getting a clearer picture I can’t really give a judgement.

Throwaway48382838 −  NTA. your dad put his new family before you until his wife died if she was still alive he’d still be a deadbeat. I’m sorry you’ve experienced this and I hope you find your peace and healing.

in-a-sense-lost −  NTA and I’m sorry he did that to you. I’m going to share a personal experience not because it’s the same but because I think it might clarify your situation and maybe bring you comfort in your decision, if not his.

When I was young my father remarried a woman who… well, let’s just shorthand it to say she likely wouldn’t have married him if she’d known he would start asking for more visitation once he had a wife. She had already dumped each of her three children on whomever was nearest at hand in her search for yet another meal ticket so… yeah.

I grew up spending more and more time with them (my mother was maternal only in the sense that she gave birth) and was hurt by how little interest he had in my actual person and feelings. I noted that he doted on her, catered to her, and would move the stars to keep her from sulking but my actual *needs* we’re an inconvenience best ignored.

I once made the mistake of asking him how he could place anyone so far above his only child and this was his response: “She is my WIFE. She will be in my life forever. You’re going to grow up and get married but SHE will always be with me. When you have a family of your own you’ll understand.”

I don’t know if your father ever voiced this to you but it sounds like he absolutely *thought* it. Now you have grown up. You have a spouse and a child of your own and (hopefully) you know just how wrong that sentiment is. And he is, contrary to his plan, without the woman he chose and catered to. This is not your fault.. He made his choice.. You protect yours.

radleynope −  ESH, but mostly you. It seems like you played your fair part in making your home life horrible for everyone, which you have never acknowledged. It sucks you had to go live with your grandparents, but it seems like it wound up being the best solution for everyone, and sort of like you didn’t leave him with any choice.

You don’t negotiate with terrorists, even when that terrorist is your own kid. He would have hated and resented you if you had imploded his marriage, either by driving his spouse away, or convincing him to leave her for the benefit of his caustically angry, unpleasant teen, just as you would hate and resent someone who did that to your current marriage.

You are the one who blocked his attempts to regularly see you as a teen, and refused his multiple attempts to reconcile. If you hadn’t, it’s likely in a few months or so, you would have been invited over again, and possibly worked your way up to moving back in. This feels like a problem of your own making and you really need to go to therapy.

Leigho7 −  How is everyone voting NTA without having any idea what happened with OP and his stepmother/stepsibling. There’s an assumption here that they were in the wrong and OP’s dad kicked him out for no reason. For all we know, it could have been OP making this a bad situation. Apparently OP’s dad made attempts to fix their relationship.

If the issue was OP, then it still wasn’t right to just ship them off to the grandparents, but there is A LOT missing from this post. That being said OP has no obligation to have their dad in their life, but I’m suspicious as to whether the dad is completely at fault.

Do you think the Redditor should have made more of an effort to reconnect with their father, or did they have the right to keep their boundaries intact? How would you handle a similar situation? Share your thoughts below!