AITA for assuming my daughter could have a 3rd plate?

A Redditor recently shared a story about a family dinner where things turned tense when their teenage daughter wanted a third helping of food. Although the user saw no harm in their daughter having another plate after a long day of work, their sister, who hosted the dinner, was upset and thought it was rude.

When more family members chimed in, the situation escalated, leaving the Redditor wondering if they should have handled it differently. Read the full story below to see how things unfolded.

‘ AITA for assuming my daughter could have a 3rd plate?’

Throwaway because my sister knows my reddit and I don’t want this causing drama. Yesterday, My sister hosted a family dinner at her house. It was one of those “just because” dinners, no special occasion.

My sister is a great cook and she made tons of food for that one night. My daughter, was on her second plate by the end of the night. Once she finished she asked if she could get another one. I said yes.

But my sister (her aunt) looked at her with a shocked expression and said “Another plate?”. My daughter turned around and gave a somewhat un comfortable look. My daughter is 16, and has 2 part time jobs to pay for some of her college tuition, so she usually doesn’t eat until 7-8pm.

So I didn’t even blink twice when she got up to grab her 3rd plate. I turned to my sister and said she’s been working all day without anything to eat, you made tons of food, it won’t hurt for her to get another plate.

My sister started yelling saying something about how it wasn’t my place to say if my daughter could get more of her food that she made. Now I do somewhat agree with that, and might be the A-hole because of that. Looking back I’m thinking maybe I should have asked?

My daughter ended up not getting another plate, and the vibe was awkward now so we just decided to go. Before we left out the door my sister stopped me and told me I should’ve taught my daughter manners and how it isn’t right to get more than 1 plate at someone else’s house.

I told my sister she was being ridiculous and somehow our voices got loud enough where my mom started to hear us in the small corner, she came over and started telling me she agreed with my sister and it was rude for my daughter to eat that many plates.

I started to get fed up when they began telling me I wasn’t teaching her proper manners, so I left. Then of course they began texting my phone saying how it was rude to leave in the middle of our conversation.

I don’t think I was the A-hole at all for leaving because I wasn’t going to stay in a place where I felt disrespected. But i’m not sure about the plate thing. So am I the A-hole for assuming my daughter could get another plate?

Check out how the community responded:

Sea_Estate8909 −  Had everyone else had a chance to get some food? Also, was the third plate going to finish off the rest of the food?

Lyzab77 −  NTA – Families are often the first place where children get judged. And where they don’t feel safe. Your daughter was hungry, coming to a family dinner after working hard because she is courageous. And she can’t eat when she is hungry?

What kind of aunt or grandmother consider that a 16 years old should stop eating ? I don’t why, but I have the feeling that if your daughter was a boy, she could have eaten as much as she wanted, because a boy “needs food to be tall and strong !”

Second thing that seems curious : your sister makes a lot of food for those non special occasions. What for if people can’t take more than a plate ? Just to show that she makes a lot but not giving a lot to people ? If she isn’t ready to share what she proposes, she’d better not hosting dinners !

LadyLeftist −  NTA I frequently host large dinners at our home. If someone grabbed a 3rd plate, I’d fall into an ego coma I’d be so flattered they liked my food that much. ETA.

This comment is getting attention from fellow host(ess)s so I’m dropping my easiest recipe to make for a ton of people (pulled pork) One Pork shoulder/b**t (at least 10 lbs) One (or 2 if you like!) Cans of chipotle peppers in adobo sauce.

One bottle of angry orchard (or other hard cider) One bottle of your preferred BBQ sauce. Lots of garlic (at least 8 to 10 cloves, just smashed) Put that s**t in your crock pot until it shreds (usually 12ish hours if bone-in) then watch your loves ones get 3 plates.

Kutleki −  NTA Based on your additional comments with more info. I didn’t see anywhere that this is a repeated occurrence that they’ve had an issue with and brought up to you, it doesn’t seem your daughter was being rude, so why did they snap?

If they had been planning to use the left overs for meals later I could see them atleast saying that and having a reason, but they didn’t.
Does your daughter by chance struggle with her weight?

I’ve had family behave kind of similar because they just didn’t like that I was a fat kid. I know for my hubby and I if we invite you over you’ve got free reign in the kitchen.

If we had something we were saving, we’d just tell them “The cake in there is for a special occasion, but everything else is up for grabs you don’t have to ask!”

Cpt_thighsmile −  This is wild. If my neice was at my house and all the food was gone from dinner and she was still hungry…I would be walking her into the pantry to show her all the snacks..

And leave her there to pick what she wanted and help herself. I get that for some people budget doesn’t allow this, but no one goes hungry in this house. Ever.

This seems more like a control issue from your sister and you might wanna check if she’s annoyed at your daughter for something else or for that matter jealous in some way…because this seems to be lashing out. Just because someone is grown doesn’t make them mature, sadly.

Ok_Amount7481 −  NTA – 1. A gracious host doesn’t dictate how much guests can eat, particularly if it’s not something like a plated dinner party. 2. Daughter is a teen. Who works.

Her exec function may not account for making time for breakfast and packing a lunch some days. If she’s hungry, let her eat. 3. My teen boy will go for thirds at gatherings and everyone lovingly talks about the “growing boy”.

I know too many adult women who will eat like a bird at gatherings even though they are starving because they don’t want to be judged for eating “too much”. This is how that starts. Good job OP for letting your daughter respond to her own hunger cues.

Rude_Veterinarian639 −  NTA. Must be a weird family dynamic thing. My nieces and nephews (and sisters) are free to eat whatever they can find in the kitchen. And they know it. The same is true when we’re over at their house.

The only exception is when someone’s in a lower income bracket then the rest of us. For that sister, we all pitch in to help offset the cost of the food and eat as little as possible so they end up with plenty of food still left.

No one talks about it or acknowledges it so it wasn’t planned, it’s just what we do. Assuming your sister is not food insecure, controlling someone else’s food intake when there’s food left is weird. And maybe controlling.

trwwypkmn −  This sounds like one of the many times in my life where I got in trouble for nonsensical s**t because I was fat and they didn’t like it.

Like if this happened to me, it would have been because they want to control how much I eat without outright saying that’s what they’re doing. To be fair, I was a fat s**t with a binge eating disorder.

Ambitious-Cat494 −  INFO: Is this a cultural/ regional rule, perhaps? Was your daughter taking the last of the food? Or was she having a third helping when others hadn’t taken their first yet?

I’ve never heard of someone getting offended by second or third helpings as long as there’s enough food to go around. If you’re hungry, you’re hungry. Maybe she should have asked permission but I don’t think it’s wildly rude of her (or you) that she didn’t.

NTA unless there’s some cultural rule I don’t know about. In fact, I think your sister and mom are the AH bc it’s never okay to make a teenager feel shame about food.

These are formative years for teens and they could do a lot of damage by making her feel like she was overeating when she was genuinely just hungry for more.

AnonyCass −  This is crazy she might have gotten a couple of small plates, disgusting behavior to shame her for this. Please please talk to your daughter about this and try not to let it get into her psyche, this is the sort of things that trigger girls to EDs

Was it reasonable for the user to assume their daughter could have another helping, or was it inappropriate at a family gathering? How would you handle family disagreements over dinner etiquette? Share your thoughts in the comments!