AITA for asking my wife to do her responsibilities?
A Redditor shared a story about tension with his wife over balancing responsibilities now that they have a baby. They had agreed before marriage that he would handle finances and she would manage household duties, but since having the baby, his wife has struggled with the new workload, leading to frequent arguments. Read the full story below to see if you think his request was reasonable.
‘ AITA for asking my wife to do her responsibilities?’
A little about me: I am 30, and my wife is 29. Before we got married (we knew each other for three years), we decided I would be the sole earner, responsible for finances and taxes, while she would be a housewife, taking care of the kids and household duties. We agreed she would never work, and I wouldn’t ask her to either.
In the first two years of our marriage, we didn’t have kids. I worked from 8 am-6 pm. Sometimes she’d wake up and make me breakfast, sometimes she wouldn’t. I didn’t mind because we were early in our marriage. On days she made breakfast, she would also pack me lunch.
On days she didn’t wake up early, I would eat both breakfast and lunch at work. She would wake up around 12-2 pm, do household chores, and wait for me to come home. We would have dinner together and spend time going out for movies, dinners, or visiting friends, at least twice a week.
This year, we had a baby. I took one month of leave to help her, which is the maximum my job allows. State leave was an option, because the subsidized pay wouldn’t cover our bills. After my leave, her parents stayed with us for two months, helping with the baby. I supported all the household bills during this time.
After they left, our baby was three months old, and this is when issues began. My wife was used to her previous routine of waking up late and now found it difficult to manage caring for the baby and household chores.
I offered to help by cleaning the first floor of our house and putting our baby to bed several times a week, despite working from 8 am to 6 pm, handling all immigration paperwork, taxes, bills, and grocery shopping (since she doesn’t drive). However, every day I come home, she seems angry or upset, often taking it out on me.
Sometimes it’s about the baby, sometimes it’s about me not helping enough around the house. Today, we had an argument where I asked why she was consistently struggling with her responsibilities.
I acknowledged that she had an easier life in the first two years of our marriage because she didn’t work, but reminded her that we had planned for this baby and understood it would require more work.
We had agreed she would be the primary caretaker and housewife, but now, she would not stop complaining and we can’t stop having fights. Am I the a**hole for asking her to fulfill her share of the household responsibilities?
Take a look at the comments from fellow users:
Kitastrophe8503 − Today, we had an argument where I asked why she was consistently struggling with her responsibilities. I’m having trouble imagining a fight starting if this was a good natured question. You weren’t reaching out to your partner about what is going on with her and her postpartum life, you were being judgemental.
I dunno if you’re aware of this, but its May. Your child – born this year – cannot be more than 5 months old. Have you literally never met a baby? They’re hard people to live with – especially when you have no help.
Lemme stick you in a house for a couple years without a job then shove a screaming, sleepless, n**dy watermelon through your insides and see if maybe you don’t get o**rwhelmed by your new reality. Worry less about whether the laundry is put away and more about whether you’re sapping the sanity of your life partner. YTA.
[Reddit User] − You know it makes me so happy every time I read this posts and I am single and don’t have to put up with b**lshit like this. These posts are one of the reasons I choose to be single because I could not handle this.
Your wife has a newborn. 3 months are still newborns genius! She is probably tired as hell trying to take care of a baby and 3 month year old. It’s not as if you have a child going off to school yet where she isn’t responsible for taking care of an INFANT.
YTA my guy give her some time still. If she’s at least trying than cut her some slack. Also did it ever occur to you that she could also be suffering from postpartum depression? Some women experience that after having a baby.
LBugD − As I read this first half I wondered, is my husband writing this? Lol. My husband and I had similar agreements to this type of life. I would stay home, run the household, he would work and deal with most of the finances. I own my own business and worked as I saw fit. But I still had something for myself to keep me busy and motivated.
The heavy lifting on my end was keeping the house clean, the backyard tidy, fridge stocked, dinner ready and most of the laundry. The only thing he had to do was his own laundry. I rarely made him breakfast but I would prep the coffee machine the night before to be ready for him in the morning.
Now some people will ready this and think this is ridiculous and it should be 50/50. Tbh most of the time it is, but I have the freedom to do whatever I want and limited but fair access to shop if needed or have lunch with friends, go out of town etc. Sometimes this lifestyle can make us a little too comfortable.
In my opinion it seems like she did there for a bit. I understand where you’re coming from in the first half. Now, we planned for a baby and we had him in Aug of 2023. My husband took a month off as well and was extremely helpful!! I decided to not take on any help outside of him though because I really wanted to do this on my own when he returned to work.
I’ll be honest, it was a bit challenging. But I always said this baby is joining our life so he we gotta roll with these changes as they come. Not only are we dealing with hormone changes as women and healing from our birth. But you are now following a feeding schedule to keep this baby alive and we hardly get any good sleep.
Some women deal with PPD, intrusive thoughts, OCD, Anxiety… the list is long. You can prep for this all you want and have a nice little chat as a couple of how you expect this all to go. But once that baby is here it is absolutely valid for her to not prioritize the home for a little as she leans into motherhood and figures out what her new role will be.
I think you need to set aside the “I deal with this and that” mentality and be the husband she needs right now. You can talk to friends and family about this. Every baby is different and so we can all say you are or aren’t the ahole. But as someone who is literally living this life right now…
it’s extremely refreshing to see my husband walk through those doors after a 10,16 or 24 hr shift sometimes and instead of wondering where dinner is or why I didn’t make the bed today( sometimes why I’m still in PJS) the first question is “what can I help you with? Go take a nap”.
I am now in the 9th month of my little ones life and I promise we are back to normal. Things will fall into place. Don’t fixate on the things you’re doing for her right now! There will be a moment where she will look at that baby and be so thankful that she CAN stay home and raise it because of you’re working so hard to have this luxury.. I hate to say it but YTA!!
bluepvtstorm − Sounds like that passport arrangement isn’t working out the way you thought it would.
EnchantedGlitter − Sorry, but is this your wife or your employee? Her body has been completely altered, her hormones are probably all over the place, and her job is 24/7/365. She does not get to leave work, ever. And now it sounds like her own husband has put her on a PIP. Yes, you are the AH.
durtibrizzle − You had a baby with someone who routinely sleeps until between 1200 and 1400 and this is surprising to you? I don’t think you are an a**hole but I think this was a very foreseeable outcome of your marriage.
Upsidedownmeow − Think of it this way. You work 8-6pm. Your wife works 8-6pm as well. Anything that is needed outside of work hours applies to both of you.
happycoffeebean13 − NTA. Not a popular opinion, but they talked about this and agreed. She had 2 years of not doing much and getting up like a teenager mid afternoon.
He worked hard to pay for their life and still is, has offered to help her and now it’s not an easy free ride she is complaining and taking it out on him. I know having kids is hard as I have done it myself as a sahm and as a single working mum. But his job is valid, too, and he has not had a 2 year free ride.
Fit-Bumblebee-6420 − As a mom, I think NAH only because neither of you knew what you were signing up for. Op recalling that before birth, your wife had a lot of free time and her biggest offense (cos your telling of it is important), was that she did not sometimes make you breakfast and lunch, says to me that she was a good wife overall- before birth.
Now a baby, these monsters throw every rhyme and rhythm out the window. Babies are all about themselves. They take and take and drain and drain you. Around the clock. What you both are failing to tell yourselves is- our previous plan isn’t holding up here- could be temporary and could be permanent.
Telling her to handle her responsibilities would have felt like a gut punch. It happens when everyone is thinking they have the worst end and you can only see that you are doing yours and hers is where it is dragging. But she is now working around the clock. No way can she not be resentful. . Talk about it.
Come home to find ways to relieve her so she has time to herself. Until the baby can sleep through the night and has some schedule, throw that rigidity out of the window.
Boysenberry − YTA, it sounds like you wanted a wife as a business arrangement to allow you to have a family without making much of an effort as a parent or around the house. Maybe she was on board with that initially, but it doesn’t seem like this is working for her now.
She’s obviously unhappy and your response to that seems to be giving her a negative performance review, rather than showing any concern for the fact that your wife is miserable and struggling shortly after having her first child.
Perhaps your wife is feeling angry and upset because she seems to be living with someone who perceives himself as a generous employer getting taken advantage of, rather than her loving partner and the other parent of her child.
Do you think the Redditor’s request for his wife to uphold their prior arrangement was fair, or should he adjust his expectations with the added demands of parenting? How would you approach balancing responsibilities in a similar situation? Share your thoughts below!