AITA for asking my parents what they have done for me and not for my brother?

A Reddit user shares a tough experience with their family dynamic, where most of the parents’ attention has been focused on a younger brother with significant disabilities. Growing up, the Redditor found themselves relying on their grandfather for various needs, from school support to everyday care.

When asked to babysit recently, they responded by questioning their parents on what they’ve done specifically for them, sparking a heated family discussion. Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for asking my parents what they have done for me and not for my brother?’

I (17m) have a younger brother (15m) who has a number of serious disabilities from birth. He suffered brain damage at birth, has a missing kidney, has digestive issues that means he eats through a feeding tube, he cannot walk and can only make sounds instead of talking.

My parents time and attention has to be focused on him more than on me. For the first few years after he was born I spent a lot of time with my grandpa who raised me from the age of 2 until I was about 7 and then I was seen as “old enough” to be at home after school and could make my own food and clean up after myself and not need supervision mostly.

Grandpa was willing, and had offered, to keep taking me after school but my parents said he didn’t need to do it and he deserved to live his life. I never get 1:1 time with my parents. They couldn’t afford field trips and never took the time to apply for the school field trip fund so grandpa picked up the slack there. He paid into my school lunch account so I didn’t have to make my own lunch.

Grandpa was the person who’d pick me up from school if I was sick. He’d stay and take care of me at home since whichever parent would be home would really just say to go to bed or lay on the couch and relax and there was no caring for me or taking care of sick little me.

When I was 11 I got picked for this junior programmers contest through our school district but my parents said they couldn’t take the time for it so they refused to sign off and since grandpa couldn’t, even though he offered to take me, I missed out on that. When my laptop broke in October 2020 it was grandpa who replaced it for me so I could, you know, school when school wasn’t in person.

When I got older I was asked to do more like cook for everyone, pick up meds or get the special bath ready for my brother. A few times my mom or dad even reprimanded me for not doing off my own initiative.

My parents have nothing set aside for me to go to college. They have never considered colleges. And last year I had my guidance counselor on my ass wanting me to go to college and wanting us to attend some college talk and my parents wouldn’t go.

I told her I didn’t have money for college and she said she would reach out to my parents about forms. They never got back to her. She called, emailed, reached out repeatedly. Nothing. Then I told her I had decided to skip college and she was like nooo, nooo, you need to go and she tried reaching out to them again to talk about it but they didn’t answer/respond.

My parents wanted to get a night off and catch up with some friends in town and they asked me to babysit. I said no. My parents told me I should help my family and considering all they do for me. So I asked them, what have they ever done for me.

I told them it had to be for me, not for my brother. I asked them to name one thing and I pointed out all the stuff they don’t/didn’t do. They called me spiteful and told me to stop looking at it through the lens of a kid.. AITA?

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

BangoDango22 −  NTA. Having a kid with so many special needs is hard, I get it. But they have TWO kids and they’ve neglected you for most of your life it seems. I don’t get why they wouldn’t let you still stay with your grandpa after you turned 7, as if being 7 makes you an adult. I’m sorry you missed out on so much as a kid.

Maybe going off to college would be a nice fresh start for you and help set you up for a nice future. But also be ready for the conversation someday of how taking care of your brother will be your responsibility when your parents are gone. Set those boundaries NOW, then they won’t be shocked.

MerlinBiggs −  NTA. You’re a glass child. Can you live with your grandpa?

NightOwlIvy_93 −  Big NTA. They didn’t only ruin your childhood but are actively ruining your future. 

KSknitter −  OK, so the babysitting thing is likely a trial run to see if you can be the caretaker for your brother. I worked as a Para in schools with severe kids like this and the wait list for a home to care for them (government run and paid for) is 15 years where I am. And that is if you sign up at birth…

If you have never babysat him before, this so mom and dad’s first trial run of “can we leave this kid with OP forever?” And you don’t want that. Move back in with grandpa as soon as able and go to college.

OneRecover8346 −  NTA. Sounds like a rough situation my guy. They are trying to parentify you. It sucks for them your brother has these needs, and sucks for him too, but you shouldn’t have to suffer as a result. They have blinkers on and reacting to the situation in front of them, not seeing damage it is doing to you.

Be careful because in a few years, they are probably going to hand your brother over as your responsibility as they are getting old and will expect you to look after him forever more.

Boobookittyfhk −  Clearly, they should be looking at this through the lens of a child. They robbed you an entire childhood. They refuse to accept it because I want to guilty into helping them with him.

Hotaru-Tomoe −  NTA. I understand having compassion and care for a special needs sibling, but that doesn’t mean you should be neglected and parentified, either.

I don’t know what kind of opportunities are available to you, but it sounds like your teachers find you promising enough to continue college. If possible, please do think about it. Going to university is what led me to my own independence. It seems like the only person you can rely on (besides you grandfather) is yourself, so it’s time you start investing in yourself. 

LavinaWhately −  Why wouldn’t you look at things through the lens of a kid? You ARE a kid and you deserve so much better.

Promanco −  OP please research the military, in particular the National Guard/Reserves. The military will give you income of your own that your parents can’t touch(they will force you to make a bank account lol) and they will pay for up to 100% of your college tuition depending on your State(if National Guard)

I know is very unfair that you may have to put your life at risk to succeed in life but trust me in your current situation it may be your best choice. Active Duty will also ship you off to a different part of the country where your parents will be unable to control you in any way.

Your parents will likely not sign off on you joining at 17 but when you’re a couple months from your birthday you can start talking to a recruiter on the branch you’re interested.

You’re a smart kid OP, you can go to college if that is what you want to do, you can escape your family and your little town.
The military doesnt have to be your career, but it can be a tool for you to go to school and escape your parents grip.. You got this.

Ok_Membership_8189 −  NTA. I’m sorry. You’re right about it all.

Do you think the Redditor was wrong to confront their parents, or was it fair to express their frustrations about being overlooked? What advice would you give in this situation? Let us know your thoughts!