AITA for asking my parents for their entire estate if they want me to be my sister’s guardian ?
A Reddit user (23F) shares that her parents have always expected her to become the sole guardian of her 33-year-old sister with disabilities if anything happens to them. However, she feels unprepared for this responsibility, especially as her two older brothers, who are married and established, seem better suited.
During a recent discussion, she presented three options: splitting guardianship duties among all siblings, setting up a trust for her sister, or leaving her the entire estate if she is to be the sole guardian. Alternatively, she offered to waive both guardianship and inheritance entirely. Her parents were upset, and her brothers accused her of being greedy for suggesting these options.
‘ AITA for asking my parents for their entire estate if they want me to be my sister’s guardian.’
I (F23) have been told my entire life that if anything happens to my parents I will be my sister’s guardian. She is 33 and has some disabilities. She is currently living in a group home. The government pays for a good portion of the cost but not all.
My parents have made sure that they have accessed every resource available for her to make sure she has as good a life as she can. I was we were visiting her this last weekend when they brought it up again.
They are both reasonably healthy but they both had health scares in the last couple of years. They once again said that I would be her guardian.
I have been giving this a fair bit of thought. I have two older brothers. They are both married and established in their careers.
They would be better choices than I am. I want to go see the world. I am lucky enough that my job can be done from anywhere that I can access the internet. When we went sort dinner I brought it up and said that I had three ideas.
1. They make all three of us her guardians so we could split the responsibilities and duties.
2. They leave their entire estate to my sister in a trust that will oversee her care.
3. They leave me their entire estate with the proviso that I become her sole guardian and take full responsibility. Minus sentimental stuff for the rest of my family obviously.
I thought that was fair since it’s not like they are rich and their estate will mostly consist of their house and the insurance policies they took out when they realized the long term costs of care for my sister. They said that I’m trying to shirk my responsibility to my sister and that I’m greedy for trying to get everything.
I had one last suggestion and they really hated it. I said that they were welcome to cut me completely out of their will. But that had to include guardianship of my sister. They could leave everything to her and my brothers but that meant I would be completely free of responsibility for her care.
My dad got really angry and my mom was crying when I left. My brothers both called me to say I was being an a**hole springing this on my parents. And that I was being greedy trying to keep them and their families from getting anything when our parents pass away.
I asked both if them if they wanted 100% responsibility for our sister in return for the entire estate. I volunteered to sign away everything to them. Neither one took me up on the offer.
Here’s how people reacted to the post:
Mogwai_92 − NTA. Love how your brothers are mad because you’re calling out this sexist BS. So your parents want you to put your entire life on hold to care for your sister with no actual benefit?? Why would you do that? I mean yes it’s not your sisters fault but it’s also not your fault. Split 3 wayz is fair
LetsGetsThisPartyOn − NTA. So your brothers want a third of the estate but you do all the care! Because you’re the female!. Pffftttttt. Stand your ground.
SecretJealous4342 − NTA. If your brothers think it’s unfair for you to receive everything they should be jumping at the opportunity to get everything. That’s the sign of a really good deal. If someone would take it from you. Your parents are kind of AHs for dumping all of this on a young woman.
Not that you couldn’t handle it. Just that it’s not fair when there are other family members that could help. You sound pretty grounded though. And willing to advocate for yourself. I hope you have a great life. Good luck with this situation.
Medical-Cat-821 − You had three different suggestions. If they only focus on the last one, it’s a “them”-problem. Clearly, your parents and brothers want you to take all responsability without asking for anything extra in return.
If I were to guess why they’re assuming you’ll just put up with this, it’s because you’re a woman. Good for you, that you’re standing up for yourself, and point out that there are multiple options for your sister’s care. NTA.
neversohonest − NTA. Your last few sentences say it all. They wouldn’t do it even if they got the estate. Don’t let them guilt you into doing more than any of them are willing to. Live your life.
CuriousTsukihime − NTA – your parents sound like they had your whole life planned out for you so you couldn’t even hope to live it for yourself. I’m so sorry. I would suggest going NC, you deserve to see the world and what you can contribute to it. You aren’t a spare caregiver, you’re you, and that’s the only identity you need.
Edit: I see criticism on my comment about suggesting going NC and 🎵to be fairrrr🎵I agree with you. It does get thrown around a lot on this sub. That being said, people don’t come to AITA for nothin.
When heavy interpersonal conflicts like this are posted it’s usually because they’ve tried everything else. As someone who’s had to go NC with my parents, it was done after trying everything else and realizing I wasn’t going to be heard.
OP is not in an argument with flexible people and sometimes the best thing we can do for our mental health is remove ourselves from a situation where others are adamant about their position. It serves no one to fight with fools.
semicoloncait − NTA. The ages suggest that the entire reason they had another child was to take care of your sister (sorry to sound so blunt). The fact that you’re a girl is just another reason – but they told you this all your life in hopes you’d accept it.
Stand your ground and be firm on this – your choices are all logical and fair. This is a huge responsibility for anyone to take on and it’s not unreasonable that any finances available are used to support your sister and her guardian – whether that be you or somebody else.
To be clear as well – you are not trying to shirk your responsibility because you do not have at this time a responsibility to your sister. Your parents have a responsibility to her – but you do not. You are negotiating what it would take for you to assume that responsibility.
I think it’s worth also informing your family what you will do in the event they try to force your hand by, as an example, splitting their estate 4 ways but stating you are to be her guardian – look into options.
I would presume that they cannot legally make you her guardian without her consent – so you need to be clear that if they stipulate it in their will as a preference you will not comply and will not do it and that leaves her more vulnerable because there is no a plan in place
Looking-for-advice30 − NTA— you came up with very reasonable options and they are trying to put this on you, and using emotional b**ckmail to make you feel responsible. Why are your brothers not considered equally to take on this responsibility? Maybe there is some sexism to this too, where the “woman” takes care of the disabled sister. Do not let them put this on you.
Xirdus − NTA. Your parents have no right to just d**p such a big responsibility on you with nothing in return. Your terms were very reasonable. Taking care of a disabled person usually means your whole life revolves around that person. It will s**k, and there’s no reason why it should s**k for you in particular and not for either of your brothers. Fight for your interests. Don’t get talked into sacrifice.
Time-Negotiation1420 − NTA
1. They make all three of us her guardians so we could split the responsibilities and duties.
2. They leave their entire estate to my sister in a trust that will oversee her care.
3. They leave me their entire estate with the proviso that I become her sole guardian and take full responsibility. Minus sentimental stuff for the rest of my family obviously. Very reasonnable options and quite frankly option 2 seems like the best in my eyes.
Do you think the user’s proposal was fair given the long-term responsibilities involved, or was it too harsh for the situation? How would you handle the burden of becoming a guardian for a sibling in a similar circumstance? Share your thoughts below!