AITA for asking my husband to turn down his dream job for my career?
A Redditor shares a tough situation where her husband has landed his dream job, but it poses a serious threat to her own career. As the breadwinner of the family, her highly specialized job would be at risk if her husband works for a competing organization.
She asked him to turn down the offer, but he proceeded with the process behind her back and now wants to accept it. Feeling betrayed, the Redditor has set a hard ultimatum for her husband—either decline the job, or face divorce. Read the original story below…
‘ AITA for asking my husband to turn down his dream job for my career?’
I (33F) am the breadwinner of our household. I have multiple, highly specialized degrees for a niche industry. I make 200k+, with potential to get in the 600-M’s range. My company has not been hit that badly by COVID, so most of us have kept our jobs, but we’re held to strict standards. My husband (36M) has a broad degree/work experience.
He quit his job right before COVID hit, hoping for a better job in the meantime, and I was supportive. He spent a ton of time applying to various jobs, and finally landed an interview at Organization X. This is his dream job, in almost every imaginable way (I can’t be detailed).
However, it’s paying about 65k a year, which would be fine except this job directly puts my job stability at risk. My company and this org. are adversarial, at best. My field is extremely secretive, and if clients discovered my spouse was working for a competitor, I would be permanently tainted.
I wouldn’t be able to get a job in the industry forever. I know this sounds like an exaggeration, but I promise you, it absolutely is not. It’d be like if I worked in protecting the privacy of celebrities, and he worked for TMZ. If he tapped my car, got into my work devices, he could use that to advance his career, and any trust I have in this field will be gone.
Even if I trusted my husband not to do that, my clients and company don’t. Worse, b/c my background is so specialized, this is the only field I can work in. I asked him to drop from consideration for this job, since if he got it, we’d lose my income. 65k a year cannot support us in this city. Plus, he does not have to work for this organization.
Even if the job market is awful right now, his background gives him access to a wide range of jobs, but I only have this one, niche field. He was extremely angry, and said I was “selfish and only cared about money.” I told him that if he wanted to go back to school for an advanced degree or just be unemployed for a while, I would support him, but taking this job isn’t possible.
He continued the process behind my back, and got the offer. He wants to accept it, b/c he says his career needs to take priority and that I wasn’t being a supportive wife. I feel so betrayed, and I’ve contacted all relevant higher ups in my company to inform them. I notified them as soon as he got the interview, b/c it’s better coming from my email than from a background check.
I told him he could decline the offer, w/me watching him physically decline it, or he could accept the offer and move out immediately. I would pay for him to stay two weeks at a hotel, and we would begin divorce proceedings. My company is willing to take care of all of my legal fees.
I feel f**king awful. I still love him. I moved decisively, b/c this was the best way to cut my losses, but it still hurts. He called me heartless and cold. It’s true that I was prioritizing my career over his, but it felt like the only option at the time.
These are the responses from Reddit users:
[Reddit User] − NTA Some are saying you’ve decided your job is important than your husband. They’re ignoring that he seems to have decided a job offer is more important than **your entire career**. I was ready to call you the a**hole considering we frequently see people unnecessarily prioritize their career over their spouses when compromise is possible.
However he’s refusing compromise. To address the people calling this a trust issue – it doesn’t matter if she trusts him. Her company and her clients don’t. He knows this and chose to pursue this job anyway.
If she doesn’t trust someone who’s willing to destroy her entire career for a single job I don’t blame her. Men aren’t usually the spouse making career sacrifices for the greater good of the couple. I don’t know for sure but that could be something he’s struggling with.
Readingreddit12345 − NTA- And I wonder if Organization X will still want your husband once he becomes your ex?
Mahliki − NTA – you told him from the beginning that if he took this job it would end your specialised career. He went ahead with the application behind your back. Regrettably, he put you in the position of choosing between him and your career. I think you made the right choice, you clearly resent what he’s done and I can’t see that getting better if you lose everything you worked for.
hisnameislenny − He knew the reasons why he shouldn’t pursue this job, yet he went for it anyway. If that’s not selfish, I don’t know what is. HIS new career needs to take priority? Why? If it’s possible for you two to just separate for while, maybe that’s something you can do before actually filing for divorce.
Or you can file and drag it out until he realizes that he cannot support himself on that income, let alone the both of you, since you wouldn’t be able to find another job in your field. Either way, if he’s refusing to compromise, you two cannot live together anymore. NTA
Cocoasneeze − NTA. You’ve been in your career field longer than he has, he is straight up moving on with taking a job with your direct competitor, which will ruin your career. He’s calling you heartless,
only caring about money and your career, but he’s only caring about his POSSIBLE career, not thinking about you and yours at all. This is bigger than just career and jobs, he has very little respect for you.
Mirianda666 − NTA. Absolutely and totally. Your husband is willing to destroy your career and your future prospects for a job that he does not yet have, that he does not have to take, and that may or may not work out, He’s insisting that you are selfish for not wanting to torpedo everything YOU’VE worked for so that he can take this job.
If he is willing to do this kind of damage to your reputation and your financial security, he’s honestly not worth keeping. Of course you are prioritizing your career over his! If he takes that job, you HAVE NO CAREER. Everything you’ve struggled to attain is gone in an instant and now you’re dependent upon HIM.
Guess what? I quit a good job because my spouse had a decent job and told me we could afford for me to be home more, with a part-time job. Guess who left me six months later? The financial damage to me and my children was enormous. I lost my house to foreclosure. People who tell you that you’re being selfish and prioritizing your career over your marriage are 100% wrong.
nana7777777 − Why did he apply to it in the first place when he knows it could affect you that badly? He’s TA, and he obviously thinks his career is more important than yours and you really shouldn’t put up with that. NTA. I think you did the right thing and he doesn’t deserve all the support you’re giving him.
debt2set − NTA. He is basically asking you to give up your entire career for him. You’re asking him to not work for 1 company. Yours is not an unreasonable request. He is being selfish.
obscurewittyusername − NTA. I (F) am also the breadwinner and have held positions with a very high security clearance in the past. To get my clearance they evaluated not just me, but also my husband and the political and career ties of my immediate family and my in-laws as well.
If any of them had taken a role like your husband is attempting to take, my clearance would have been revoked. Like other posters I would guess that your husband is struggling with not being the breadwinner due to expectations of traditional gender roles.
Given how secretive he has been about pursuing the job and his apparent level of disdain for your career, I agree that trusting him not to sabotage you even if you were allowed to have a spouse working for a competitor would be difficult. Even removing the money factor from the equation, you had a discussion about this.
Even if he still felt differently than you, he didn’t continue to try to work it out with you, instead he continued the application process and lied to you about it. That’s not conducive to a healthy marriage. Good luck OP, as much as you may still love him, he doesn’t seem to respect you – and you deserve a partner who will give you both.
Batmanclan4269 − NTA Trust me on this, I’ve been through the same situation. Everyone else here can have their opinion but unless they work in such a competitive field (or are even married) they have no idea. Repeat NTA
Was it necessary for the Redditor to make such an ultimatum, or did she take things too far? How would you have navigated this delicate balance between supporting a partner and protecting your career? Share your thoughts below.