AITA for asking my husband to leave his desk in the main living space sometimes?
A Redditor shared her frustration about sharing a small apartment with her partner, where his large work desk in the living room takes up most of the space. She struggles with the lack of flexibility in the shared space, especially since they both work from home, and her partner is often unwilling to compromise. Read the original story below to find out more about their ongoing conflict.
‘ AITA for asking my husband to leave his desk in the main living space sometimes?’
I’m (30F) at my wits end because my partner (34M) dominates the use of the living room, where he has his desk set up for work. We live in a two room apartment in Paris that is 35m2. And have been here since the second Covid lockdown.
We both work from home and from the beginning he claimed a large portion of the living room by buying a large glass desk that takes up much of the room. He gives French language classes online. On days like today, he had four classes going on. When he’s on a call I can’t walk into his screen, therefore I’m limited to the bathroom and bedroom.
I understand that he’s busy and stressed, but I also work full time and need to be able to come into the living area / kitchen when he’s working. To have lunch, make myself a warm drink, and just generally take intermittent brakes from working.
My desk is significantly smaller and in the bedroom. One could argue that I need more space for my job than his, since I’m a data analyst and often working on two screens is an imperative. I have a second screen but can’t get a larger one that would be more efficient due to the bedroom space constraints.
He has a nice, big screen that he got for himself, which he uses for music production. He often uses it between working hours too so I don’t really have any opportunity to use it.
This arrangement is causing me significant distress, but when I ask him to take calls from the bedroom he hardly agrees and if I push firmly, like I did today, he gets upset, throws a mini tantrum before agreeing (often using words like “shut up okay I’m going”). As one might imagine, i ask less and less for fear of disrupting the household peace.
I thought this would get better since we discussed This issue at large over the summer, and occasionally since he has agreed to work in the bedroom for individual calls, but it’s still far from the equality I’m expecting out of this relationship.
Is it reasonable for me to demand we split days 50/50, even though he technically bought the desk and screen in the living room? Should I try and impose a rule like: all calls are taken from the bedroom, unless we have calls at the same time?
Final note — the living room/kitchen is more spacious, and has nice lighting and the sound of birds out the window, whereas the bedroom is smaller, has poorer WiFi connection, faces a small courtyard, captures noice from the street, poorer light, same place as where we sleep, no access to facilities for snacks and drinks, etc.
Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:
cleantushy − When he’s on a call I can’t walk into his screen, therefore I’m limited to the bathroom and bedroom. Stop doing this. Make it clear that if he’s unwilling to compromise, you *will* be walking through the living room whenever you want
Apart-Ad-6518 − NTA. I’m (30F) at my wits end because my partner (34M) dominates the use of the living room, where he has his desk set up for work. Expecting you to use the bedroom & bathroom for the majority of the time is selfish & unreasonable.
When I ask him to take calls from the bedroom he hardly agrees and if I push firmly, like I did today, he gets upset, *throws a mini tantrum* before agreeing (often using words like “shut up okay I’m going”).
That isn’t ok either & neither is him using that behavior to manipulate you into asking less & less for what you need. At the very least you should be alternating the work spaces. Also you may want to ask yourself what you’re getting out of being with someone who knows you’re being caused “significant distress”& treats you so poorly.
diminishingpatience − NTA. He sounds selfish and unreasonable. We live in a two room apartment in Paris that is 35m2. he claimed a large portion of the living room by buying a large glass desk that takes up much of the room. That’s the kind of thing that a single person does. He should be much more considerate if he takes your relationship seriously.
rasalscan − NTA. I think you both understand the bedroom sucks for work, and both want to use the living room. As I see it, you need to sit down, communicate as clearly as you have here, and come to a compromise you can both live with because this is affecting your living situation and your relationship.
I would suggest reviewing these options:
-A set schedule of who gets to use the living room for work. If your partner says he paid for it, maybe that means 3/5 days are his and 2/5 days are yours, or you could pay half of the costs he incurred to set up that work station so that you have equal access.
-Agree on specific tasks that should be done in the bedroom (I.e. calls) so that use of the living room is maintained as your primary living space.
-Look into a new apartment. You said you have been living here since the original lockdown. Maybe this was your only option then, but the current 2 room space just doesn’t work for you now. If you want your partner to take this option seriously, I’d do some research before your talk and see what is available in your area that you could afford that gives a designated workspace away from your living space.. Good luck, OP!
Sepa-Kingdom − Pretty much all video call programs have background blurring these days, so at a minimum he should be using this so you have the freedom you need to move strong the house. Colleagues use them all the time at my work in the financial industry, so doing let him try and tell you they are unprofessional or impact the quality of the call – they really don’t.
MrsNobodyspecial67 − NTA. But can you ask him to turn the desk monitor so that they see the wall behind him when you need to take a break? I mean trading rooms randomly seems fair, however if he is giving 1-1 lessons and he could lose service and the noise could cause issues, that might disrupt his teaching flow. I would think rearranging the desk so that you can not see the kitchen and walking area might be easier for all.
poochonmom − NTA for asking for a compromise to be able to get to the kitchen and use the common space in your house. But honestly, he laid claim to the space and created a setup he likes. The ability to use common space should be discussed and handled by both of you instead of just asking him to just leave the space.
Let him use his space for now with some adjustments. Get a room divider Put it behind his space so people can’t see you walk by. Or if he is able to, use a good background on the video call and turn the desk setup in such a way that you at least can dart by without being caught by the background filter.
Ultimately though you guys need a better arrangement or new space when possible. Sit down and talk to him about this at a neutral time. Not just before he is about to start class..that is annoying.
forsayken − NTA. He seems selfish and needs to better share. Also in the office people work near other. Is there room to both work in the main living space and just take calls in the room so you can both share that better environment?
As for your workspace in your room, have you consider desk-mounted monitor arms? this might allow you laptop + 2 24″ screens on a small desk because the monitor stand will no longer take desk space. Amazon has a bunch that fit two monitors for $50 or whatever and they’re fine. You might even be able to fit two 27″ depending on your desk.
Additionally, if you use a dedicated keyboard and don’t need numpad keys for your work (though I presume you do), there are plenty of smaller keyboard that omit these keys. But there are also nice compact but comfortable keyboards that still include them.
Your husband has to share but I feel like a lot of people don’t consider some of the nice upgrade options for work spaces out there so figured I’d mention. Good luck!
Revolutionary_Bee700 − NTA. If he’s unwilling to even compromise, I’d start banging pots and pans in the kitchen.
Impressive_Moment786 − NTA-you both live and work out of that space and you need to find a way to make sure you are both comfortable and happy. Get two smaller desks or something, whatever arrangement you come up with to make sure you are both comfortable throughout your work day. A 34 year old man throwing a tantrum and telling you to shut up because you ask him to take a call in the bedroom is childish behaviour.
Is it unreasonable for the Redditor to ask for more equal space usage and to have a clear division of where work calls are taken, or is her partner justified in prioritizing his workspace? How would you navigate shared living and working spaces with a partner? Share your thoughts below!