AITA for asking my grieving husband if he has feelings for his best friend?

A Reddit user shared their frustration after asking her grieving husband if he had romantic feelings for his late best friend. For three years, the husband has struggled deeply with grief, neglecting his family and refusing to seek therapy. When the user gently raised the possibility that his feelings for his best friend might have been more than platonic,

the husband became angry, accusing her of being out of line and disrespecting his grief. Friends and family are divided, with many siding against the user and criticizing her for making such a suggestion. To understand more about the situation and how others are weighing in, read the full story below.

‘ AITA for asking my grieving husband if he has feelings for his best friend?’

My (27F) husband (A) (29M) is kind, funny and handsome so he’s always been quite popular – we usually hang out with the same 10-15 people he’s close with. But 6 years ago, he met a guy his age (B) at a work conference with various companies. Said guy was extremely smart, cute, a bit more reserved but still just as loveable.

They immediately hit it off and after a year, even started calling themselves soulmates. Soon enough it was a given in our group that my husband and his newfound best friend wouldn’t usually do an activity without each other. B would often stop by our place as well, and our kids (6M, 4F) and I enjoyed his visits because he was such a sweetheart.

Unfortunately, just 3 years ago B died in a serious accident because of a drunk driver. Our family was obviously crushed by the news. I gave my husband the space he needed and offered him all the help and support I could give; but I started to worry after the 1st year. Then, I got frustrated after the 2nd year.

Now, it’s the 3rd year and I’m going crazy because it just doesn’t seem normal to me. He’s always been a doting father but he hasn’t played with our kids more than once during those three years. I often see him spacing out and looking/holding things that belonged to B. He wakes up in the middle of the night and leaves the bedroom to cry.

I feel like he doesn’t see me or more importantly, our kids, anymore – like everything stopped mattering. And while he keeps working the same hours, I’ve been told by one of his closest friends (who works at the company) that the quality of his work constantly deteriorates.

I assumed that maybe the issue runs deeper than I’d thought and asked him if he’d be ready to go to therapy, but nada. Soon after we had dinner while the kids were at his sister’s (she lives next door) and he gave me attention, which I appreciated – but while we were kissing he broke down and shut himself in our bedroom, while constantly apologising.

The day after I sat him down and asked him seriously if it’s possible that he’s had romantic feelings for B. He went off on me- said I was out of line, that I’m ridiculous for being jealous of his best friend who’s forever gone, that I should know he’s straight and that he’s disappointed in me.

I feel like I deserved to express my concerns after such a long time but a lot of our friends, who know how sensible the situation is and how devastated my husband is, think I should’ve never said something that intrusive and speculative. They’ve called me an a**hole for doing this to him. So AITA for saying such a thing to my husband considering all that’s happened?

These are the responses from Reddit users:

WebbieVanderquack −  NAH. Your friends don’t know what you know. Whether your husband was in love with his friend or not, it’s a problem that everything “stopped mattering” when he died, and that he can no longer show affection to his children or his wife.

Therapy is really a must at this point, and I think if he won’t go you should go yourself and get some advice about how to approach this serious crisis.

Suhyer −  NAH It was a reasonable conclusion to come to given the story you’ve outlined. It might even be true but your husband cannot face it. It might be more complicated than just straight up “romantic” feelings.

There’s every possibility he did feel like he found his platonic ideal soul brother in this man, that had nothing to do with wanting man on man physical action. Or maybe it did? This whole situation is very sad and I’m so sorry. Cliché but true: Therapy should be investigated. Solo for both of you, and couples as well.

Whatever feelings for B your husband had or didn’t have, felt or didn’t feel, the fact is — B is gone. He’s never coming back, and it sucks. It sounds like your husband has not dealt with his grief, and he needs to, or he will grieve for the rest of his life.

Good luck OP. Your love for your husband and family shines through your words and I’m rooting for all of you. Edit — For English not being your first language, can I just say: Wow. You write real good. 😉

mariahbear212 −  NTA!!!!! 3 years?! YEARS?? His children are muchhhh more important than a best friend mind you. I love my best friend, I don’t know what I would do without her, but I sure as hell would NOT ignore my family for 3 years if she passed.

I understand everyone is different, but that is way too long and seems deeper. Tbh you need to tell him to either go to therapy or do something, because his children need him and so do you.

Galactic_Beans −  Yeah, he definitely need a therapy. Perhaps couple therapy, but probably better if he goes to an individual one. Tell him that his “torment” is taking a tolls on your marriage and the relationship needs mending. You guys shouldn’t ignore this anymore. It is only gonna get worse. Have professional seek out what is going on..

NTA, FYI, based on what you said, I agreed with you … I am not sure why he was so defensive. He could be bi and there is nothing wrong with that. But he should be open and truthful so these dark times can ends.

crockofpot −  This is a really hard one, but ultimately I had to land on NTA. While grief does not have a timeline and no one (including you obviously, given how much time you have waited to say something) would expect your husband to instantly bounce back from such a devastating loss,

it has been three years and he is still checked out from his children. In my opinion, that justifies a “come to Jesus” type of talk. I am not sure you took the right approach, but I also can’t really blame you for trying to find an explanation for your husband’s emotional abandonment.

I also think your friends kind of s**k for winding you up and validating this idea that he was in love with his friend, then shaming you for doing something about it. They aren’t the ones getting neglected and watching their kids getting neglected.

Pretend-Panda −  NTA. There is an actual disorder – I think it’s called Prolonged Grief Disorder or Complex Bereavement Syndrome – my half sister fell apart for a long time after a close friend died, and her behavior was a lot like you describe your husband’s grieving.

Somehow the loss was always fresh and new and she was just wrecked, including discontinuing IVF and losing her job because her productivity was so low. Somehow her fiancé got her into therapy after nearly 5 years and it has really helped.

nottryingtobeanitch −  NAH. Grief and love are complicated. I have a friend like B – there has never been anything romantic or physical between us, and I would probably describe us as platonic soul mates. We both experienced trauma in childhood, and I think that deep down we are very similar in some basic, instinctive way.

It isn’t something you’d want in a partner – we each have partners we’re in love with that are right for us in every way – but if we were at the end of the world and I wasn’t going to make it, he’s the person I’d ask to look out for all of my other loved ones. Because he understands who I am on a fundamental level,

and I know he’d do for them everything I would. If he died, I’d probably be just as devastated as your husband. It would shatter something in me that would take time to rebuild. And if my partner asked me if I’d had feelings for him, I’m sure I’d feel wounded, because it would feel like he was asking if I was unfaithful.

But your question is not wrong. You have every right and reason to wonder about it at this point. So all I’ll say is that love is complicated. We can love people in very different ways – we don’t have the same feelings for parents or children that we do for partners, but the deaths of any of them can devastate us to the point of debilitation.

He may have had feelings for him, or he may have just loved him in a different, but similarly powerful way. It may not be something he can parse out at this point. Whatever it was, you’re right that his way of dealing with grief is unhealthy and you weren’t wrong to ask.

Do everything you can to get him some help, but take care of yourself too. I wish you both the best.

TheExcitableType −  NTA OP. It’s a very odd place for you to be right now. It seems like he’s still grieving like if he was a widow. I don’t think you did anything wrong. Your friends are not living your daily family life so they don’t know your struggles so they can’t have judgement towards you.

I can only imagine how this is affecting you and your children. I’m sorry this is happening to you. I’d suggest counselling again but he’s not willing to try getting better for you and your family’s sake I’d reconsider the relationship not only with him but also with your friends. Stay strong OP.

BarefootJacob −  NTA. I hate to suggest this possibility, but have you considered he may actually have been having an intimate romantic relationship with B? It would certainly fit his behaviour since B’s tragic death.

Alicex13 −  INFO. You said he broke down while kissing you. Have you been intimate or had intimate moments during those three years?