AITA for asking my brother not to bring his boyfriend to my wedding?
A Reddit user shared their dilemma as they approach their wedding day. With a traditional family and a gay brother who hasn’t come out to most of the family, the user faced a difficult decision when their brother asked to bring his boyfriend to the wedding. Fearing family drama that might overshadow the celebration, the user asked their brother to attend alone, leading to emotional fallout between them. Read the full story below to explore the complexity of their decision and its impact on family dynamics.
‘ AITA for asking my brother not to bring his boyfriend to my wedding?’
Ok this is the worst. I’m losing sleep over this. I’m getting married in a week to an awesome woman, and I cannot wait to be her husband, we are so excited. My brother is gay, but my family doesn’t know, only me and my parents know. I come from a very old school traditional family, so the old part of the family, grandparents and some aunts/uncles still have last century’s mind, and the younger portion, cousins/sibilings are open minded, and are living in the present.
So my brother has been dating his bf for 6 months now, the dude is great, I’m so happy my brother found a great guy. But it’s kind of a secret, as he hasn’t told my family he is gay. I’ve been telling him for years that he should come out, cause I know it stresses him a lot, and I think it will make him feel better not to hide anymore, plus I bet a few family members already know anyway.
But he disagrees cause he knows a part of the family won’t accept it and it will be a lot of drama. I see the opposite, I see it as the sooner you know who the idiots are, the sooner we can cut them from our lives. I have no interest in having someone in my life that doesn’t accept my brother being gay. Anyway, that’s his decision not mine, so for now he won’t say anything.
Until a few weeks ago, when he said he wants to bring his bf to my wedding. I was not expecting that to be honest. So he went from 0 to 100 pretty fast. If it was any other occasion I would be supportive obviously, but I don’t think my wedding day is the day to do that. Imagine all the drama and gossip and b**lshit that would happen. And I don’t want to get the attention away from my fiancée, that’s her day. And I dont wanna have to worry about that on my wedding day, and I think it’s a pretty good reason.
I asked him why my wedding day, he said it’s because he wants to celebrate love with the 2 people he loves the most, me and his boyfriend. This is killing me. I would fight my whole family for my brother and never speak to them again if I had to, but my wedding day is supposed to be a celebration, not a family fight, and I can’t do this to my wife, that might ruin our future. I didn’t even tell her, she is already stressed out, dont wanna make it even worse.
With a heavy heart, I asked him to please come alone to the wedding, and that I hope he understands me. He started crying and left my house without saying anything. Next day I got a text and he said “ dont worry, going alone”. I tried calling him but he didnt answer me, and my parents don’t seem to know what’s happening because they didn’t say anything. He eventually called me back a few days later, we spoke, he said he understands my side, but things are still weird between us. This is the worst situation of my life, am I the a**hole for handling it the way I did?
Check out how the community responded:
FlamingCabbage91 − NTA – God I’m queer and I gotta say, a sibs wedding would NOT be the place to trot out that bit of my life. Its your wedding its your day. Although I have to say if your wife is level headed she wouldn’t let a family fight ruin your relationship. Did you talk to her about this?
ApoliticalRat − IMO, this is a NAH situation. You’re clearly trying to prevent an extreme blowout at your wedding that can (and likely would) ruin it. Your brother is most likely trying to avoid some measure of the backlash he feels he will receive by coming out by doing so in a situation where it would not be socially acceptable for someone to flip their s**t about it.
Both of you have understandable reasoning here, but I think the one who is in the wrong is your brother on this one. He is acting to take advantage of your wedding, while you’re just trying to enjoy your wedding. I would tell him it’s fine to bring his boyfriend, but only if he chooses to come out to the family at least a couple of weeks in advance of your wedding. If he is planning to come out *at* your wedding, that is not going to be okay.
macacaralho − To clarify a few things, the issue is not that he’s been only dating 6 months, the issue is him coming out at my wedding day. And there’s no time to come out to the family before the wedding. It’s happening next Saturday, and family is scattered, they’re only meeting on the wedding day.
G0atDrag0n − OK, coming from a gay person: NTA. A wedding isn’t the place to come out to your deeply h**ophobic family. Maybe things won’t go as badly for him, and he’ll be physically safer, but its not right. Plus, I’d say the odds of a very dramatic fight happening is a solid 95%, and frankly, you don’t want your wedding day to be tainted by those kind of memories. Its not fair to you or your fiance. All you can do is keep supporting and loving your brother.
SnakesInYerPants − Honestly, NTA. Your wedding should not be turned into his coming out party nor should you be expected to have the possible drama fallout on that day. I asked him *why my wedding day*, he said it’s because *he wants* to celebrate love with the 2 people *he* loves the most, me and his boyfriend.
Sounds sweet on the surface, but he’s making *your* wedding about *him* and what *he* wants. This is why I think he’s an a**hole. He isn’t thinking of how *you* will feel and what *you* will be putting up with on *your* wedding, only that *he* wants the two people *he* loves so that *he* can enjoy *your* wedding.
I’m bi. This isn’t bigotry speaking. This is me being so tired of people not actually thinking about how they’re going to affect others. Your personal struggle with your sexuality is amazing and horrible and it’s own huge roller coaster, especially when you get to that late in life and still live in the closet. However, your decision to stay in the closet doesn’t magically mean no one else is entitled to their special days. You do not have to let him take over your special day just because he’s decided he’s ready now.
If you did let him take it over like that, you’d be a saint. But not letting him do it (given the context of how supportive you’ve been and the fact that this never seemed to be a matter of his safety but just him not wanting things to be awkward) is the neutral stance.
And friendly PSA to all closeted gay people reading this; if someone isn’t willing to give up their day in the spotlight for you, that *does not* mean they don’t support you. It just means that they want to enjoy their day. You’ll have a special day too, but that moment in time is the other persons time to shine.
It’s not s**fish for someone to not give that up just for you to come out, the same way we wouldn’t think denying any other big announcement on someone else’s wedding is s**fish. Stay strong in your fight, but remember it is *your* fight. Appreciate those who put in the extra effort to help you but don’t think of the world as out to get you if they don’t help you.
EtainAingeal − NAH but can I make a suggestion (if someone else hasn’t already)? Would he be willing to lay the groundwork BEFORE the wedding and tell your family in advance. Then, as you say you don’t want anyone in your life who doesn’t accept him as he is, tell all your guests that anyone who has a problem or who will be unable to keep their mouth shut will be better served staying away. Edited for judgement. The only possible assholes are those secondary to the story and they don’t count
cookiemonsterdog − NTA. Your brother is essentially looking to come out at your wedding where he knows it will shock and surprise a lot of people and if the family is really conservative it may cause problems. Your wedding is NOT the time for him to do this.
If you were h**ophobic and didn’t want your wife’s family to know, that would be a different story, but that’s not the case. And your parents know and are supportive too! I think it would be best for him to stop hiding who he loves and be happy and celebrate with you and your family, or come alone. Best wishes on your wedding!
DeeLite04 − NTA – as everyone has said he needs to come out prior to the wedding not on your wedding day. Your wedding is for you and your fiancée. I get his wanting to try to come out in an easier way by just casually inviting his BF to a family event but a wedding isn’t a good choice. Maybe a family bbq or something but not a good choice on his part.
[Reddit User] − I would say NTA. There are numerous posts about people attending weddings and using the occasion to propose or to announce their pregnancy. In doing so the focus falls on them and not on the couple getting married. They steal the thunder from the bride and groom. This falls into the same category. A wedding is not the place to announce a pregnancy, propose or come out. Your brother should find his own method of coming out to the family as a whole and not use your wedding day to do so.
whyamisoawesome9 − NAH. Invite the boyfriend to the family brunch the next day. Don’t let it overshadow your day, which is what you have done. The next morning still allows that wedding / good fam vibes thing, but the pictures are done.
Was the Redditor justified in asking their brother to attend alone, given the circumstances? Should family acceptance be prioritized over a special occasion? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below!
