AITA for asking my boyfriend to quit his sport?

A Redditor shared her struggles with her boyfriend’s intense dedication to rugby, which consumes his time, finances, and emotional energy.

Despite his passion, she feels neglected and overwhelmed by his priorities, leading her to ask him to quit the sport. Was this an unfair ultimatum, or a reasonable request for balance? Read the story below.

‘ AITA for asking my boyfriend to quit his sport?’

I (23f) have been with my boyfriend (28m) for about two years. He has played rugby for the entirety of our relationship and started about a year before we met. Rugby is the third person in our relationship, so I asked him to stop playing. Was I wrong?

Every Saturday “is rugby day” where he wakes up- watches a game- plays a game with his team- and then watches another game after- usually followed up by highlight reels on YouTube until he goes to bed. He has a two hour practice every Tuesday and Thursday.

He coaches a highschool team. He assistant coaches a college team. After every game, practice, scrimmage, etc. he comes home with some sort of injury or is just in general debilitated by pain. Covered in bruises and cuts.

He has been to the hospital for a separated shoulder, a split open eyebrow, a split open lip that went all of the way through his muscle and fat, and the most recent was he got a bunch of turf beads in his eyelid and was almost blinded (not exaggerating) by it.

He will take off work for games and practices, he will cancel dates for games and practices, he will miss important events for games and practices. My family home caught on fire- we had a fundraiser- HE TRIED TO SKIP IT FOR A GAME (the game got cancelled so that’s why he showed up).

We were out to my birthday dinner and he asked if we could rush it so that he could make his practice after. We can’t go out and do anything on a rugby day, we can’t have s** on a rugby day, he can’t function on a rugby day.

And his excuse is “it’s tough on rugby days”…. well his “Saturday is a rugby day” has turned into every day is a rugby day. He gets stressed out financially because where we live is extremely expensive.

But, he has money for new cleats, new studs for his cleats when they break off, tape for his joints for games, team memorabilia. Basically, he has money for rugby like an addict has money for his fix. I want to say I’m glad he has something he enjoys.

I’m glad he coaches and that his students look up to him and that it makes him feel good about himself. We’ve both met some incredible people through the rugby community.

But, the phone calls at 1am that he’s in the hospital due to an injury, getting yelled at because he’s broke, having to cater to him whenever he plays because he’s sore, consoling him when he’s bawling his eyes out because he lost a starting position and having to eat sleep and breathe rugby because he does….it was too much.

He freaked when I asked him to leave. Told me I don’t appreciate the things he cares about, said I should be thankful he has rugby or else he would be dead. That he has nothing else. I feel horrible. AITA?

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

GuidanceClean6243 −  NTA and this is as a former college football player who then played rugby (at a pretty high level) for years after college (before retiring from active participation to prioritize my career, relationship and starting a family).

What you described is a not uncommon example of rugby culture. Rugby is a great game and community and it can be addictive. It gives men a positive masculine outlet and bonding that is rare in our society today.

However, you’re NTA for asking someone who is years into a relationship to prioritize the relationship over their hobbies. It’s part of life and it’s his choice to make. Of course, the flip side of that is he is not the a**hole if he chooses rugby over you.

Y’all are both adults who need to have an honest conversation with yourselves and each other about your relationship and where it is going. The only way anyone is an a**hole here is if y’all lead each other on and are not honest about your needs and life plans moving forward.

Edit: 1. Never had one of my comments blow up like this, it’s pretty cool haha. 2. Just to acknowledge what others have pointed out with regard to the BF’s behavior:

I agree that he could definitely adjust his perspective; planning to skip the fundraiser is eyebrow raising to say the very least, as is yelling at OP over his financial problems.

Principessa116 −  What’s the question behind the question? I think it’s really: “Should I stay in this relationship?” I think the answer is no, for me this would be a dealbreaker.

His partner will always come second to rugby. It seems like he has it all backwards— he’s in a serious relationship with rugby while you’re just a hobby.. Adding my judgment: NTA.

BeMandalorTomad −  What I’m reading is that he’s deeply and truly passionate about rugby. Idk how to rule on this exactly. On the one hand, if you’re asking and not demanding, there’s merit to that. On the other, it’s obviously important to him.

Similarly, if you’re concerned with his well-being, I fully get that. And in the same breath, you also sound like you’re a bit jealous that rugby is so important to him.

I love animals. Ive worked with some potentially dangerous dogs (think rescued fighting dogs) I’ve never been hurt, but it’s not impossible. If someone asked me to give it up, I’d be absolutely crushed and honestly, probably more keen to give them up than my passion. 🤷‍♀️

coastalkid92 −  I was prepared for you to be an AH but this is 100% NTA. He doesn’t have a sense of balance between you and the sporting community and his priorities are out of whack.

Not to mention, he doesn’t sound like a safe player. I have played very high level rugby since I was 11, injuries do happen, including weird rogue ones.

But to be on a constant rotation of high level injury means that he doesn’t know how to properly make or take tackles and is playing like a man on a mission to get hurt. Those people are scary and those people are ones that shouldn’t be on the pitch.

Sufficient-North-278 −  said I should be thankful he has rugby or else he would be dead. That is an extremely concerning statement. What does he mean by that? getting yelled at because he’s broke. This is also very very bad.

I’m concerned that he’s addicted to this for some reason, or masking some deep mental health issues with it. It’s great to be passionate about something, but to say he would DIE without it? That’s not healthy. Screaming at YOU because HE is broke is a**sive.

NTA for asking him to stop. But…he’s not going to stop. He puts rugby above literally everything else in his life, including his job and you. You cannot build a healthy relationship with someone like that. He needs mental health help and you need to leave him if he won’t.

bloonfroot −  The comments here are wild. They’re so “boo hoo evil woman stop man from having fun” it’s pathetic. People are totally ignoring the fact that he’s screaming you down for things that are his own fault,

skipping work and siphoning funds despite money being tight, and intentionally neglecting family obligations in favor of his hobby. He shouldn’t be screaming at you at all. He shouldn’t be ditching you on your birthday or ignoring your family in crisis, whether he likes your family or not, if he cared for YOU he would show up.

He sounds like a terrible partner. He sounds m**ipulative, dismissive, and guilt-trippy. Rugby isn’t the source of the problem, it’s his attitude toward you. If he only loves rugby, then you should leave him and rugby to it. NTA

The_Real_Macnabbs −  The blunt truth is that unless you see a future with this chap, long term, then you should end the relationship now. You do not want to be with somebody who resents you for getting in the way of their passion, nor do you want to be worrying all the time about him getting injured.

Your use of the word ‘cleats’ suggests you are American, so let me give you the Brit perspective on rugby and other sports. Many men live for their sport and their team.

They will travel hundreds of miles to support their local football (you would call it soccer) team on a freezing February night at an away fixture, or if they follow a Premiership team, will pay huge amounts of money for a ticket to watch their team play.

If you are able to access an App called ‘BBC Sounds’, listen to a programme called ‘606’, it’s a football ‘phone in show where fans give their views on their teams and has more passion than a hormone soaked teen.

When it comes to supporting somebody significant in their love of the sport, look no further than cricket at junior/school/village level. In the summer Mums will be up the night before a match baking, as ‘tea’ is as important as a match result,

and a shop-bought sponge will bring shame upon you, then driving their kids/husbands for hours to a match. Every weekend during the summer. Finally, rugby. You are right to be concerned about injury.

Players are getting fitter and heavier and concussion is a real concern here in the UK, where they now have gum-shields that can measure the impact of a tackle. At the professional level, there is a medical team and recovery regime, at the armature level, an awareness of the risks but fewer ice baths.

So, if you are planning a long term future with this chap, suggest you explain your concerns. Sport is expensive, time consuming and can be dangerous, but sometimes the reward is worth the risk. I hope this works out for you, you sound more worried than anything else, and that’s not a good permanent state to be in.

psmythhammond −  INFO: Did you know how involved rugby was in his life when you started dating? How long has he been playing?
Your priorities are not aligned right now. While you’re not an ass for asking, you can’t be surprised when he declines to quit.

Ok_Chance_4584 −  Going against the grain here, but I’d say ditch the boyfriend: 1) He’s not passionate about rugby; he’s *obsessed* with it. That’s not going to change. 2) He’s **not** passionate about *you*.

Rugby is interfering with your s** life and he opted for a rugby match rather than support your family *after their house burned down.* You are not a priority for him. 3) He doesn’t treat you well. He yells at you, dismisses your concerns, and uses manipulation and guilt trips. That is not healthy.

**The problem isn’t rugby, it’s him.** NTA for asking for what you need, but now that he’s shown that he doesn’t care about your needs and is unwilling to compromise, it’s time to mirror his actions, put yourself first, and find a better partner.

RestingBitchPerson −  NTA. But remember you can leave a dating situation for ANY reason. I think lack of quality daily couples time (honestly, you’re living off crumbs & can’t count on him) and s** on his timeline only (is he sore/distracted/hell even is he home!)

This is leaving out the money woes (not for him to cover you on everything) but just listening to him whine about low funds.

Do you think the Redditor’s request for her boyfriend to quit rugby was justified, or should she have approached the situation differently? How would you balance a partner’s passion with relationship priorities? Share your opinions and experiences below!