AITA for asking my boyfriend to charge his family member for fraud?
A woman (27F) and her boyfriend (34M) recently discovered that his credit was severely damaged by a family member who fraudulently reopened and used his old credit card, racking up $5,000 in debt. This has derailed their plans to buy a house and start a business.
She believes they should press fraud charges to clear his credit, but her boyfriend, who dislikes conflict, prefers to pay off the debt and avoid confrontation. Is she wrong for urging him to take legal action? Read the full story below.
‘ AITA for asking my boyfriend to charge his family member for fraud?’
I (27F) and my boyfriend (34M) have been together 5 years and have worked really hard to save for a house. 2 weeks ago we fell in love with a house and we put down an initial deposit to hold the property. (The house won’t be built until end of 2022) We have been in talks with a mortgage broker and the builders finance people.
Last week we received some shocking news when my boyfriends credit score came back as being bad. There was activity on the statement that was 100% not his and a credit card that has gone into default over the last 6 months. This credit card was originally my boyfriends but he swears he closed the account and cancelled the card mid 2019.
Long story short we discovered that a family member that was living with him a few years ago has gotten ahold of the card at some point and has been using the card on and off since 2019. They defaulted on payments in early 2020 but payed this off, then defaulted again in December of last year and the account is still in default and over $5000 is owed in charges and late fees.
Charges for shopping, news agency, take away food and pubs (gambling). My boyfriend has had zero knowledge of this as he hasn’t had access to the account after he “closed” it, and hasn’t been receiving statements or notices from the bank, the family member has diverted these to their address.
We’re now unable to successfully apply for a bank loan for our house as they won’t lend to my boyfriend with his credit the way it is. Our options are to. 1. Proceed with fraud investigations and charges in the family member allowing us to prove this is of no fault of my boyfriends and successfully secure the loan.. Or
2. Boyfriend pays the debt and we wait at least 2 years from the pay off date for his credit to regain some loss. Option 2 sets us back at lease 3 years in starting a family and our lives as home owners. This will also not allow my boyfriend to secure a bank loan to start up his own business he’s been dreaming of starting for a few years, this was the year he planned on.
This has devastated us and put a massive delay in our plans. My boyfriend doesn’t like conflict and is going with option 2. He isn’t even planning on mentioning anything to the family member. He wants it to all go away and thinks this family member is going through a rough time.
I want my boyfriend to proceed with fraud charges and investigation. We have worked too hard to not have our dream house and him owning his own business. So AITA for pushing my opinion on my boyfriend?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
dauphineep − NTA. But is this really someone you want to build a life with, having this kind of baggage? He’s willing to pay off a debt incurred by someone fraudulently and not even address it with that person. What happens if this person does it again? He’s already taught them there’s no consequences if they spend money they don’t have.
And then it will be tied to you as well. You need to think long and hard about whether this is something you want to deal with long term. I do think it’s odd he’s willing to pay for it and not address it with the person that incurred the debt. Are you sure the person didn’t have permission to keep using it as long as they paid the bill?
zadidoll − Been there, done that with a family member destroying my credit, stealing money out of my bank accounts, writing bad checks, stealing my engagement & wedding ring to pawn it (I had to pay to get out on the last day). He needs to a report in order to fight with credit agencies & attempt to get these debts resolved. Also place a fraud alert & lock his credit reports so no one else can use his identity.. NTA
4thxtofollowtherules − NTA. If it was me I’d think long and hard about staying w him if he chooses 2. He’ll always be a doormat.
RhubarbDiva − This person has not just stolen some money from your BF. They have stolen your chance of having your dream home together. They have stolen your BF’s chance to start his own business. They have stolen your chance to start your family together when you planned to.
If your BF lets them get away with all that then I would say he has also let them steal your relationship, as it’s hard to see how it could survive all that. If your BF can’t see that then it may be time to reconsider where you go from here as from my viewpoint your BF is prioritising a thief over you.
uhno28 − NTA but it might be a losing battle. This will affect BOTH of your future and he’s making a decision where the people who did wrong get NO consequences and the innocent people get further screwed… all in the name of avoiding conflict.
His response of the relative “going through a hard time” is cowardice and nothing more. He’s showing empathy to the relatives who screwed him over with fraud, and is willing to put your future on hold. 2-3 years is a lot, and it could be longer because life happens. He’s having no empathy for YOU, who is collateral in this mess.
He chooses the path of least resistance, and if you agree to postpone your life to protect these jerks, you will confirm to him that YOU are that path. Every time he has to chose who to s**ew over, he’ll chose to spare the rest because you will create the least amount of hassle for him to deal with.
That’s not fair to you. You can’t control what he does in the end, you can only control your actions. If he chooses to spare his family, then I’d remove myself from the situation and leave.
Silly_philosopher_ − NTA – where was this family member’s compassion when they stole and defaulted your husband’s credit card? Were they thinking about you guys? You should sue him and go ahead with your plans. They had it coming!
sra8682 − Are you sure it’s not your boyfriend that has done the spending? It just seems odd that the other relative paid of the debts at one point in the past. Also surely your automatic first reaction would be anger towards the family member and you would say something straight away?
halfwaygonetoo − I haven’t read all the comments, so I don’t know if you have been given this information. Please note I’ve been in credit and collections for 30+ years so I hope you know that I’m giving this information from concern. Or 2. Boyfriend pays the debt and we wait at least 2 years from the pay off date for his credit to regain some loss.
If your BF pays this bill, it will stay on his credit reports as negative credit for the next *7 YEARS* and will negatively affect his credit rating for the *ENTIRE TIME* it’s on his credit reports. The 7 years doesn’t start until the *last* payment is made.
With this on his credit reports, it’s very unlikely he will be able to get a mortgage at all for the next 5 years. Even when he can get one, the interest rate is going to be extremely high. The interest rates on ANY loan he tries to take out is going to be extremely high. Large deposits are going to be required by rental companies and utilities.
This can, and probably will, negatively affect all future employment and promotions. If he wants to work for the government or a company that has government contracts, he simply won’t be able to. And, finally, the chances of his cousin ONLY committing fraud on 1 thing is very slim.
Chances are really great that he has done it consistently or several times. Your fiance needs to have all 3 credit reports pulled *(Different items show up on different reports as not all companies report to the same agency)* AND have his criminal history, ID and driving records checked too to verify that they are correct. You may want to check yours out too just to be safe.
believingunbeliever − NTA, he basically presented his ass to this relative to get ducked over because family. Honestly this might be a relationship defining moment that might never recover regardless of the outcome.
corgilover32000 − Something is hinkey here and not just the relative. Credit card companies are masters at tracking people down when they get behind on payments. And they use any phone number/address attributed past
and present to you to try and find you to collect if this was in BF name then I think he may have had a small inkling of something amiss before. Think long and hard before making a life here. I’m sensing you are missing part of the story.. Also NTA
This situation raises tough questions about balancing family loyalty with protecting your future. Should they pursue justice to clear his name, or is avoiding conflict with a family member worth the sacrifices? What would you do in their shoes? Share your thoughts below!
For those who want to read the sequel: