AITA for asking a student for a death certificate?

A math instructor at a community college granted multiple extensions and attendance exemptions to a student, Bethany, who claimed several family members had passed away. When Bethany asked for another extension for her final exam, the instructor grew suspicious and requested a death certificate or obituary for verification.

When Bethany couldn’t provide one, the instructor denied the request and had her take the final on schedule. The instructor’s sister later criticized this decision, claiming it was cruel, but the instructor feels they were justified in wanting proof. Read the original story below for more details.

‘ AITA for asking a student for a death certificate? ‘

I’m a math instructor at a community college. My course is graded on four components: attendance, a project, a midterm, and a final. This situation concerns one student, Bethany. Early in the semester, Bethany emailed me and told me that her grandmother had suddenly passed away. She asked for a 2-week extension on her project and a 1-week exemption from attendance to grieve.

I immediately granted her those accommodations, no questions asked. Fast forward to a bit later in the semester. The day before the midterm, Bethany emailed me again and told me that her cousin had died in an accident. Once again, she asked for a 1-week exemption from attendance to grieve and if she could take the midterm in 2 weeks instead. And once again, I granted her those accommodations.

However, the main issue arose a few weeks ago. Bethany emailed me telling me that her grandfather passed away and asking (once again) if she could take the final 2 weeks from its scheduled date (which would be after the semester ended) and be exempted from attendance for the rest of the semester. This is when I started getting suspicious.

Obviously, I know it’s possible for 3 family members to die within the span of a few months, but it’s highly unlikely. And I’ve heard of things like this happening before, where students lie to their professors in order to get extensions. Also, if I accepted her story, I’d have to convert the final to an online format and proctor it during my break, which I really didn’t want to do.

I wanted to make sure Bethany was telling the truth, so I emailed her back saying that I was sorry for her loss, but that I would need a death certificate or an obituary for verification. If she provided that, I would be more than willing to grant her the accommodations. Bethany emailed back and said she didn’t have either of those because her grandfather lived in another country and she doesn’t have access to them.

I told her that unfortunately, without some verification, I can’t grant her the accommodations and she’d still need to attend lecture and take the final on its scheduled date. She never responded and ended up taking the final when she was supposed to. I was talking about this situation with my sister over Christmas, and she immediately started telling me off.

She said that it’s cruel to ask a student to provide proof of death and force them to be away from their family when they’re grieving. She also said that even if Bethany is lying, she’s clearly struggling with something and I should’ve responded with kindness. I said that I’ve was as lenient as I could’ve been — I already gave her extensions and excused her absences.

Also, Bethany’s never attended office hours or asked for extra help, so if she was floundering, she had options she chose not to take. My sister wouldn’t hear it and kept saying how she couldn’t believe I was this heartless. But I don’t think it’s heartless to want to ensure a student isn’t lying to get a leg up. Was I really the a**hole?

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

Ok_Stable7501 −  I hope she doesn’t have any more classes with you. Her family won’t survive another semester. /s

pigandpom −  NTA. Lost 2 family members within weeks of one another so you’re right, it does happen. However, the interesting thing about your students losses are, they’re conveniently around the time of scheduled assignments/exams.

Claiming she has no access to an obituary because it’s in another country is a weak excuse giveanthe access we all have on the I ternet to find and view these things, she could have sent a link to you, but she didn’t. She is pissed she got caught in a lie and had to complete the work as scheduled

Srvntgrrl_789 −  NTA. Once, twice, I get it. Three times is one too many, and I’d be suspicious too. If part of her final grade is tied to attendance, then she’s abusing your goodwill. Asking for proof of a deceased relative is not out of order in this case. 

solorider1545 −  My FIL passed a few years back during the Xmas Holiday time. To get time off for the funeral to support my wife and her daughter, I needed a copy of the death certificate. It is not unusual to ask for this sort of verification. A pain? Yes. I was paying the price of someone lying in the past. Don’t fret about it.

NotAllAltmer −  NTA I think Bethany is a 100% lying here. However, I do think approaching the student and confronting her about the amount of sudden deaths in her family would have been more productive. Having an honest conversation on why she might have needed more time could have been good. But I do believe you were quite lenient here.

mockingbird82 −  NTA. I’ve had professors who would have required proof the first time. She was taking advantage of your compassion and trust. Your sister is applying her own values to an unknown stranger; that’s a rookie mistake. Never assume someone else would behave like you (or in this case, like your sister). Not everyone is decent.

PristineAd6300 −  My husband died while I was in college classes. My professor asked me to supply an obituary or copy of death cert and I supplied both without any complaints or ill feelings because it’s simply university protocol. That said, I feel like family members have been dropping like flies over the last few years.

We’ve lost multiple people a year unfortunately, so it can surely happen. But there’s virtually no reason to not be able to supply some legitimized proof of death unless she’s lying. And if she is struggling mentally, you aren’t her therapist.

You can patch her through to university for counseling services if you’re concerned her “losses” are effecting her mental health, but people don’t get a free pass multiple times a year in their classes without supplying proof. That’s just life. In the real world a job would require the same for bereavement.. NTA

ClioCalliope −  NTA, students can be shameless while lying to get out of stuff. I have a lot of them so I don’t always verify things unless it really disrupts my lessons or impacts my grading, but I’ve heard some wild stuff. I try to give them the benefit of the doubt but like. That’s the fourth grandmother you’ve lost Timmy, at least kill off a different family member for a change.

Euphoric_Penalty9179 −  Years ago, I only got five days of emergency leave when my brother was murdered. I still brought my fatass back to work as expected of me, and was questioned. Have the admin do this for you, or ask for POC’s who would also know about the deceased or something.

Pretty_Fisherman_314 −  NTA but i have a funny story. Freshman year of college second semester i was struggling with what a chiropractor said was a pinched nerve in my lower back. 2 weeks i was seeing him 4 times a week and it helped slightly that’s all.

I was in so much pain i woke up dry heaving and couldn’t keep down water. I drove myself to the hospital turns out I had an infected bladder which spread to my kidneys and I have 3 kidney stones… and for 2 weeks i didn’t do anything so yeah it was bad.

I had a surgery and immediately waking up from it I took a video for my professors because my math professor sent a passive aggressive you missed class you have this grade for attendance email. High from anesthesia heavy breathing in a whole lot of pain they got “I’m in the hospital I won’t be in class for a while” as a video.

Balancing empathy with fairness in a professional setting can be tricky. While it’s important to be compassionate, it’s also essential to ensure that academic integrity is maintained. Was the instructor in the right to ask for proof, or was it an insensitive decision during a difficult time? How would you have handled the situation? Let us know your thoughts below!