AITA for asking a 47 year old man who is dating my 22 year old niece some pointed questions that made him “uncomfortable”?
A concerned uncle (41M) explains how he confronted his 22-year-old niece’s boyfriend — a 47-year-old man — during their visit to his home. With the niece having a complicated family history, the uncle felt compelled to ask the man some pointed questions about his intentions.
However, after just a couple of questions, the boyfriend got defensive and left, causing tension between the uncle and his family. While his actions caused backlash at first, the couple eventually broke up, with the uncle later discovering that the boyfriend had been cheating on his wife. Read the full story below.
‘ AITA for asking a 47 year old man who is dating my 22 year old niece some pointed questions that made him “uncomfortable”?’
Some context; I live in CA, and my wife’s niece wanted to come visit us for a few weeks. She’s 22, I’ve known her since she was 4. Her dad walked out on her family when she was 8. She’s very sheltered by her mother. Anyway, I told my wife it was fine with me if she visits. She’s a good kid, and our 5 year old son loves his cousin and really wanted to see her.
But then my wife goes, “And she (the niece) wants to bring her bf…..he’s 47.” I’m 41, my wife is 42. I was like “You’re kidding, right?” She wasn’t kidding. At first, I was like “Hell no.” But after about a week of talking, I gave in….with one caveat. I told my wife that if this dude is staying in our house, I’m going to ask some questions he might not like. She wanted to know what kind of questions, and I gave her some.
1. How did you guys meet and who made the first move? (If the dude made the first move, it’s weird).
2. Has the dude been married, does he have kids?
3. Why are you (the dude) dating such a young woman?
4. Are you (the dude) aware of the young woman’s history with her father?
5. What’s the end game here? A serious relationship, marriage? Have you (the dude) discussed what will happen if the young woman gets pregnant?
I know, I’m not the girl’s father, but no one else in her family is asking these questions. Her mother is fine with the relationship (which boggles my mind). So, fast forward to the visit. Niece and old dude show up. I’m cordial. I wait till evening, after everything is settled and dinner is over, and I invite the dude to join me on the porch for a beer. Just me and him. Then I start asking my questions.
After only my second question, the guy starts getting defensive. He told me this is “None of my business.” I got a little pissed at that. I told him he’s staying in my home for a week, I can ask him a few questions. And the girl is my niece, I’m not out of bounds here. He told me I was making him “uncomfortable”.
I replied that I’m uncomfortable having a dude who’s clearly taking advantage of a young girl stay in my home. I said You can answer my questions and act like you’re a stand-up guy, or feel free to hit the f**king road.
Well, he left. My wife and niece were upset with me. They said I acted like a j**k and that if my niece is happy, to let it go. Again, I was told it’s none of my business. They have since broken up, which I am glad about. Not sure if my actions were the cause. So Am I an a**hole for questioning this guy?.
EDIT: some info:
I asked my questions in the order written, and only asked him the first two before he got “uncomfortable”. I would certainly do the same thing with any older woman my son brought home. When I took the old dude outside for a beer, I neglected to mention we had 5-10 mins of talk.
We discussed the new Star Wars movies of all things. I would love to discuss more with some of you, but I was a bit hot-headed and appropriately banned for 5 days. So it goes.
Edit 2: Some of you here asked what’s up with my wife and her sister. Her side of the family suffer from innocent naivety and just assuming everyone they meet is a good person. They’re wonderful people who need an a**hole like me to keep them centered.
FINAL EDIT: Some of you wondered if I would accept any of the dudes answers to my questions. Of course, all he had to be was respectful and honest in answering and I wouldn’t have a problem.
Talked to my niece this morning. She and I are totally fine. Knew my actions came from wanting to keep her safe. I apologized for my actions regardless.. Asked why they broke up. The guy was cheating on his wife. He confessed it to her and said he would get a divorce for her. Has three kids. All her age or older. She dumped him.
Here’s what the community had to contribute:
giovannisguillotine − NTA — Yes, she’s an adult, yes she can do what she wants. But she clearly has daddy issues and the guy’s taking advantage of that vulnerability. With an age gap like this, it’s hard for there not to be a power imbalance, which can be hard to see for someone at 22 with little experience with relationships and adult life, as it’s all pretty new.
Asking some pointed questions while the man was staying in your house seems fair enough to me, as long as you weren’t being too accusatory. That he quickly became defensive may be telling.
Alfie_Simms − NTA, a 25 year age gap seems a bit weird anyway, and the fact he got ‘uncomfortable’ being asked simple questions about the relationship makes it seem like he was taking advantage of your niece and didn’t like being called out on it
niqolas1 − Her dad walked out on her family when she was 8.. #. [Now] She’s 22. #. her bf…..he’s 47.. 🤔💡
lilhippy72 − NTA the fact he got defensive is a red flag. It’s not a huge deal to have an age gap as it’s becoming more prominent. However, I can understand where he may have become uncomfortable.
But in the past my BF’s have been questioned. And i’ve been questioned about my intentions with someone’s son, aswell. I personally feel it’s just something you become accustomed to when you start dating. (Not every family does this. But a vast majority of people go though this phase with their SO family)
TrueLazuli − YTA. Not because I think your assessment is wrong, or because I wouldn’t have the same questions, but because you should have talked to the niece about it first. Acting like you were cool with having him stay and then springing an interrogation on someone she invited,
without letting her know that was a condition of him being a guest in your home, was unnecessarily rude, and I’m sure it embarrassed the hell out of her. I totally support you pushing back on this relationship, but she *is* an adult, if a young one, and she deserved to be treated like an active agent in this situation.
** Edited to add that I would have said “everyone sucks here” if the only people in the consideration were you and Creepy Boyfriend, but I didn’t want to loop the niece and wife into it.
Treswimming − YTA, but I would probably do the same thing
Badstriking − NTA. Odds are in your favor that he’s there for the wrong reasons. You would be justified in having questions and given the circumstance, you were justified for asking them. They agreed to let you do it, and a 47 year old man should be able to answer them without getting uncomfortable. Further, your questions are totally reasonable in even a normal relationship.
TheWildHaunt − NTA. You did your job as a Male relative. “Either answer the questions like a stand up guy or hit the f**king road”. He chose the road so that’s on him. Edit: thanks for the gold mysterious stranger. To everyone hating on the “male relative” part of the comment I’ve taken it to heart. Next time a female friend or relative is seeing a guy I’m suspicious of I’ll ask my sister to have a word with him.
Vectorhowto − NTA. How cool would it have been if her bio dad cared this much from the beginning? Did you handle it perfectly? No. But you are far from an a**hole for possibly going overboard out of care for your niece. (I personally don’t think you went overboard since it was your house, but I’m sure some will argue that you did.)
[Reddit User] − YTA. I’m not about to step into the whole age gap debate; unnecessary for this judgment. You went into a conversation with him to learn what he was like, and your entire post positively screams that you had made your judgment beforehand; that’s not how this works.
For the simple fact that you decided to treat your first meeting as an interrogation session, you were in the wrong. And yes, it was an interrogation session; your proposed list of questions reads like a lesson on Loaded Questions.
Do you think this uncle overstepped by questioning his niece’s boyfriend, or was he right to be protective given the circumstances? How would you handle a situation like this? Share your thoughts in the comments!