AITA for arguing with my father in-law over gender roles and my place in the house?

A Reddit user (29M) shares a heated moment with his father-in-law during a family visit. As someone who handles many household chores while his wife pursues her dream job, he defends their arrangement when his father-in-law critiques their division of labor, claiming it’s “not right” for the man to do “women’s work.”

The discussion quickly escalates, leaving the user questioning if he should have let it go for his wife’s sake. Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for arguing with my father in-law over gender roles and my place in the house?’

So my (29M) in-laws are visiting for the weekend and I of course try my best to get along and entertain guests but while my wife was out picking up something for dinner my FIL made a comment about how it must be weird letting my wife worry about dinner for once.

Now ill be honest I love to cook and bake. I also work from home with a job that’s somewhat laid back so when I get time I clean and take care of the house.

I’m also admittedly the bread winner as my wife has chosen a passion job that requires her to leave the house and do stuff that’s actually somewhat physically strenuous. It makes her happy and I love that she gets to work her dream job even if it does leave her very tired when it comes to chores around the house.

So when my FIL asked me if it was weird I asked him to clarify and he stated “You let her get away with avoiding all the women’s work. I wouldn’t let that happen at home its just not right. You should be making her do the cooking and cleaning all the time”.

This obviously frustrated me a little and I didn’t want to argue or anything but I was trying to get him to be a little more empathetic so I responded with “Your daughter works hard every day and the foundation for her day to day stress is being able to come home to some concept of order.

Some days she comes home hurt because of how hard she works even. If all I have to do during the day is walk around the house and clean a little and have something warm to eat for her when she finally gets home to relax why would I ever take that away from her even for the sake of what gender should be doing what?

Its a team effort and we dont really see it the way you do” He grumbled and kind of went on monolog about how its just different now and it doesnt seem like things are as good these days. I didn’t want to push any further and just kind of awkwardly waited until my wife got back.

I told her about it later and she kind of just sighed and said he’s just like that and really doesnt want me to engage or argue with him if I can. Should I have just kind of shrugged and let it go for my wifes sake? I feel like im walking in egg shells a bit while they visit.

Check out how the community responded:

OrneryJonz −  NTA but how you engage with the inlaws will impact the family. It sounds like the father is ready to openly share his views but lacks empathy and doesn’t handle any challenges to his views well.

Knowing this, you’ll have to decide how and how much you want to engage knowing he will likely get butthurt and that short term it may impact how your wife feels as well.

FindAriadne −  Oh, you are definitely not the a**hole. It doesn’t sound like she’s mad at you. It just sounds like she has zero expectations towards him. You are a very good man!

She’s a very lucky woman, and I’m glad that you get to enjoy cooking and baking and, feeling domestic. I’m happy for you both. And I’m very sad for that cranky little old man. I hope he poops his pants.

MoonsEternity −  NTA. He’s saying this about his own daughter? Yikes. You’re in the right and fil is not. You guys found the thing that works for you guys. I’d ignore him and continue on with your routine. I wouldn’t engage with him about it. Kinda seems like he wants to argue about it if he’s given the chance.

4th_chakra −  she kind of just sighed and said he’s just like that and really doesn’t want me to engage or argue with him. If someone were in my home, and saying things that were politically incorrect, r**ist, sexist.. or insulting my spouse.. I’d have something to say about it. Keeping silent gives it permission to keep happening.

Should I have just kind of shrugged and let it go for my wifes sake? Absolutely not. You wife grew up with Archie Bunker as a dad. And as part of that, she learned coping mechanisms to keep the peace. Meaning, “let dad say what he wants, or he will get upset.” But it’s your house now, not his.

And him verbalizing his outdated mindset into your happy space, your “foundation of order” so the two of you have an oasis of peace, is what is upsetting. Not only are you defending your wife (his daughter), but you are setting boundaries on what is unacceptable in YOUR home. So of course you shouldn’t keep quiet.. NTA

Cat_Sicario_2601 −  NTA
Follow your wife’s lead (just to a point. Sometimes, you need to intercept). And also a good comeback leaning into his view could be: so the man of the house says what goes, I’m the man of this house and I say I do the work. As the man of the house, it’s my decision what my wife does and doesn’t do, and I say she xxx

AmosHiFi2902 −  NTA! Damn; we need a few more men like you in the world! 

Longjumping-Air1489 −  Why would you justify anything? “Yeah, well, our house, our rules.” And then drop it. Why bother explaining?

whorl- −  Things aren’t as good these days *for men*. Meanwhile things are leagues better *for women*. Something something equality feels like o**ression to the privileged.. NTA

Treehousehunter −  NTA I wonder what your MIL thinks. Maybe FIL thinks you make him look bad (you do).

No_Individual_672 −  NTA, but how old is your FIL? Has he been asleep since 1972? I’m 66, and most men my age don’t have such a strict expectation of gender roles.

Was the user justified in defending his and his wife’s modern partnership against traditional gender expectations, or should he have avoided the argument to keep the peace? How would you navigate this kind of generational clash? Share your thoughts below!